Through The Rain
by Seashadow
Summary: Addison, recently divorced from Derek, is forced to deal with the aftermath and consequences of her divorce, as she struggles to figure out where she stands. Eventually Addek. Complete!
1. Rejection Isn't Easy

Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's Anatomy.

A/N: My two favorite TV shows are House and Grey's Anatomy, and I've had this idea for a fic for some time now. I'm not just now going to say which pairings I'm going to use, because honestly I'm not actually sure, but I do know that it will be eventually be Addek. Please, please, please review! It would make me so ridiculously happy…

**Rejection Isn't Easy**

Addison stood outside the door of her brownstone. She had been standing there for more than an hour, holding her keys, and yet she couldn't bring herself to open the door. She hadn't wanted to come in the first place, and when she had gotten the call from the chief at the hospital where she used to work at, who wanted her advice on a case involving premature quintuplets, she had refused outright. The chief had talked to her for a little bit, and she ended up agreeing to come to New York for a week; honestly it hadn't taken her much convincing to come. She had wanted to visit her friends in New York, and she wanted closure from her life with Derek; yet she still couldn't bring herself to enter the brownstone.

With a sigh, Addison walked to the door, put the key in, and turned. The door swung open, and she walked into the brownstone. It looked the exact same as before, but to Addison it felt different, and when she walked into the bedroom a few minutes later, she almost burst into tears; the room was the exact same as the night that Derek caught her sleeping with Mark. After that night, even when she was living in New York, even when she lived in her brownstone, she was unable to sleep again in the master bedroom, instead preferring to sleep in one of the guest bedrooms on the floor above.

Blinking back tears, Addison sat down heavily on her bed, and slowly lay down in her bed, the tears now coming fast. She didn't try to stop, instead just letting herself get carried away in her grief for the first time since her divorce. She wasn't sure how much time had passed, when suddenly she heard the phone ring. "Who calls for me here, anyhow?" she exclaimed angrily, and picked up the phone without bothering to look at the caller ID. "Hello?" she questioned in a tearful voice.

"Addison?" the voice on the other end questioned, her voice eager. "I haven't seen you in forever, and I heard you were in New York, so I decided to call here…and, as evident by the fact that you picked up, I guess I heard correctly."

"Nancy…" Addison responded with poorly faked enthusiasm, wiping the tears off her face with the back of her hand. "Look, I'm sorry, but this really isn't the best time…it's just that I just arrived, and I just need a little time…"

"I understand. You've only been in New York for a few hours, and it's the first time you've come since you left for Seattle," Nancy said. "But I figure you probably need a distraction. Dinner tonight at seven thirty?"

I could definitely do with a distraction," Addison said dryly. "Seven thirty?"

"Seven thirty at my place—I wasn't honestly sure you'd pick up the phone if you bothered to look at the caller ID, so I didn't make any reservations. We'll order something in. Anyway, I'll see you then, I guess."

"Yeah," Addison said, and they both exchanged their goodbyes.

* * *

Addison surveyed herself in the mirror, grabbed her bag and coat, and walked out the door. She was nervous—she hadn't really seen Nancy since before she had slept with Mark, since she had strategically avoided her until she left for Seattle, and had only seen her in passing in the halls of the hospital when Nancy had come to visit Derek. Of Derek's family, Nancy was the easiest to face, since she had been closest to Nancy. The thought of seeing Derek's other sisters, or Derek's parents, made Addison want to run, and Addison dreaded the day when she would once again meet them. But for now it was just Nancy. "I can do this," she told herself over and over again. "It's only Nancy. I can do this." 

Though once she might have been tempted to take a taxi, Addison walked to Nancy's apartment. She had found that walking helped her think, which would explain her sudden passion for long walks alone. Finally she arrived at Nancy's apartment, and knocked on the door. "Coming," she heard in the distance, and a moment later Nancy opened the door.

"Addison!" the woman exclaimed, and hugged Addison. Addison entered the apartment, and was surprised to realize that the apartment was completely different than the last time she had seen it. Addison couldn't help but think that everybody moves on…everybody except her is able to move on.

The two decided on Chinese food, and talked of trivial matters for a period of time, before Addison became fed up. She couldn't stand the suspense of not knowing any longer, and decided to just get this over with. "Nancy, I know I shouldn't be asking this, but I need to know. Where…where do I stand? Why are you even talking to me now?"

Nancy pushed her hair behind ear, but did not hesitate in responding. "Addie, you made a mistake…we all make mistakes. You were my friend for eleven years, and I'm not about to forget it just because you messed up. I watched it happen. I watched Derek ignore you in favor of his job, I watched you make excuses for him at your anniversary dinner, at family occasions. I watched you try to make the relationship work, and then I watched you lose hope. He may be my brother, but he is not without fault."

Addison bit her lip, and tried to keep from crying. "So, we're okay?" she questioned.

"We're good."

"And the rest of the family?" When Nancy didn't respond immediately, Addison pressed her. "I have to know, Nancy, I have to."

"They're trying to sort it all out, but they know you're not completely at fault. We all want you to be part of our family."

"Thank you," Addison whispered as a tear rolled down her cheek. Nancy hugged her, and couldn't help but notice how fragile and emotional Addison seemed.

The doorbell rang, and Nancy got up to get it, assuming it was the delivery man with the Chinese food. Nancy opened the door, and gasped when she saw who was standing there. "What are you doing here?" she hissed. "You can't be here, not now. What are you even doing in New York? You didn't show up for Thanksgiving, or Christmas, so clearly you don't feel the need to see family or friends. What the hell are you doing here?" Nancy's voice escalated, causing Addison to walk to the door.

"Is everything all right?" Addison questioned when she was several feet away, and gasped when she saw who was at the door with Nancy. She quickly stepped behind the door before Derek could see her, and listened to the conversation they were having. She didn't like to eavesdrop, but she had to know why Nancy had invited Derek to visit when she had also invited Addison to visit.

"Derek, I don't care what you say, you're not coming in. I have a friend from out of town visiting, and you are not going to disturb our visit." Addison sighed in relief that Nancy had not actually invited Derek to visit. Not that she couldn't coexist with Derek—she had for months now—it was just that she didn't want Derek to see her on her first visit to New York, not when she was so vulnerable.

"Nancy, you can't kick me out. I'm your brother…you're always telling me how you want to see more of me, and when I show up you try to kick me out because you have a guest over?" Derek exclaimed angrily.

"Derek, you're not staying."

"I don't have any other place to stay!"

"Rent a hotel room."

"When you came to visit, without even a call of warning, I let you stay in the trailer with me."

"And what an enjoyable experience that was," Nancy said sarcastically. "I'm sorry, Derek, but you just can't stay—" Nancy exclaimed, but was cut off by Addison, who had stepped out from behind the door.

"Hello Derek," Addison said, in as pleasant a tone of voice as she could muster. "Nancy, he can stay. I really don't mind."

"Thank you, Addison," Derek said, glaring at his sister. "You didn't tell me it was Addison who was visiting you," he whispered, as Addison turned and left the room abruptly. Nancy just looked at Derek, shrugged, and left Derek to get his suitcases into the house on his own, as she went to make sure Addison was okay. She found Addison sitting on the couch in her living room, an ironic smile on her face.

"It's ironic, isn't it?" she questioned. "It's the first time that I return to New York since…well, yeah…and then Derek shows up. I'm fine though, really I am," Addison assured Nancy, who was looking at her with a worried expression, even though she wasn't actually sure that this was true.

The Chinese food eventually came, and Addison, Nancy, and Derek sat down to dinner. They conversed about common friends, until finally the question that Nancy and Addison most wanted to know came up. "So, Derek," Nancy aside, "What exactly are you doing in New York?"

"Work?" Addison asked, raising her eyebrows slightly. She was careful not mentioning that closure was the real reason she was here. To have to work with Derek in New York would be very trying, and she was immensely relieved to learn that work was not the reason Derek came to visit.

"Kathleen's baby shower," Derek said finally, and quickly looked down at his plate of food.

"Kathleen is having a baby?" Addison questioned, and Derek and Nancy exchanged looks. Addison was hurt that Kathleen did not trust her enough anymore to invite her to her baby shower even though she was the aunt of Kathleen's other two children. Damn it, she had babysat them when Kathleen went away, she had taken them to movies, gone shopping with them, done everything a good aunt was supposed to do, and more. It hurt her to think that, despite all that, one mistake and she was no longer part of Kathleen's family. "Congratulate her for me, will you?" Addison said after a moment of silence.

"I will," Derek assured her.

"And…tell Jon and Katie I say hello." Addison bit her lip hard, trying hard not to cry. She had known it wouldn't be easy, that not all of Derek's family would forgive her, but Nancy had given her such hope that perhaps it would all work out. After all, if Nancy, who was the closest to Derek of all of his many sisters, could forgive her, why couldn't the rest at least give her a chance? Addison knew that things would never be the same; she just hoped that she wouldn't be barred from their life entirely. "Excuse me," Addison said, struggling to remain composed, and left the table.

The room was absolutely silent for a moment, as Derek and Nancy glared at each other. After a moment, Nancy got up from the table too. "I'll make sure she's okay," Nancy said with a sigh. "I wouldn't have invited her to visit if I'd have known that it would only make everything worse. I owe her an apology."

"I'll go," Derek replied softly, and left the room. He found Addison in one of Nancy's guest bedrooms, sitting on the bed, tears flowing silently down her face. He sat down on the bed next to her, and she moved farther away from him on the bed.

"What are you doing here, Derek? Can't you just leave me alone for one moment?" Addison whispered angrily.

"Addie…" he began.

"Don't, Derek. Just don't," she cut him off.

"It's not easy, is it?" he said softly, sadly. She shook her head, and he impulsively took her hand and held it. To his astonishment, she didn't pull away, and for some reason he was glad that she didn't. He was dating Meredith now…he loved Meredith, he reminded himself…but it hurt him to see Addison like this. Addison never used to be the kind of woman who cried, and lately he had been aware of her doing a lot of that. Though she might think that nobody noticed when she excused herself and went into the supply office, Derek had known her long enough to realize what was going on, and noticed her slightly puffy eyes and sad appearance, despite the fact that she never mentioned it, or acted as anything other than professional.

Within a few minutes she had stopped crying, and as she wiped the tears off her face with a wet washcloth, she glanced at Derek. "I'm sorry. I don't normally do this…things like this don't normally affect me so much…" she tried to explain, but he just nodded and looked sadly away. She hated to admit it, but she always felt somehow protected around Derek, even now, even after all that had happened between them. When they found that Nancy was still sitting at the table, acting as if nothing was wrong, Addison was grateful—she really didn't want to discuss what had happened.

They finished their dinner in relative silence, and when it came time for Addison to leave, she hugged Nancy and smiled at Derek. "Remember to tell Jon and Katie I say hello," she made them promise before she left. Though it was dark, cold, and beginning to rain, Addison walked home. If she thought she had needed to think before, it was nothing compared to how she felt now. On one hand, she was relieved that Nancy still accepted her; on the other hand, she was upset about Kathleen. And, though she'd never admit it to anybody, she longed for Derek—but with the longing came the hurt that she felt whenever she thought of what Derek had done to her, both recently and during their marriage, and she knew that it was over for good.

When she got home, she got ready for bed. She looked for something to wear to bed, and eventually found an old shirt of Derek's that she used to wear to bed when he was away. Impulsively she put it on, and then lay down in the master bed. It was not long before she drifted off to sleep, both physically and mentally exhausted from the previous day.


	2. A Civil Relationship

Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's Anatomy

A/N: Over 300 hits in the first 24 hours…I'm impressed! I'm not so sure what I think about this chapter. I liked chapter one better, but I set up a plot in chapter one that I felt I had to continue in chapter two. Chapter three is going to be back in Seattle with all of the interns, Mark, Bailey, and the rest of the people on Grey's who we all know and love. I'm starting to think of pairings/relationship/plot, but if there is anything in particular you want to hear about, just say so and I'll consider it. It just kills me to see Addison so sad all of the time, so I'm thinking of something to make her happier…perhaps…well, you'll see. And, if you could please review, I would be very happy.

**A Civil Relationship**

Addie rolled over and glanced at the clock, which read eight o'clock. "Eight o'clock?" Addison exclaimed, and jumped out of bed—she was already supposed to be at work in less than half an hour. Addison cursed herself for forgetting to set the alarm, and got ready as fast as she possibly could. By the time she was at the hospital, she was a good thirty minutes late, not to mention apprehensive. She hadn't seen anybody in the hospital since she had cheated on Derek with Mark, and was generally considered to be the most interesting topic of discussion. "Luckily for me, I'm too late to think about my life then," Addison grumbled, and to some extent it was true.

She had scarcely entered the hospital, when she saw the chief. "Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd," he said formally.

"It's just Montgomery now," she said, blushing. This was not the first thing she had wanted to tell the chief, Daniel, though Addison was not sure if they were on first name terms any more. They had been before she had left him abruptly to join Derek out in Seattle, but he had made it very clear to her from his phone messages and emails that he was less than thrilled by her behavior and, unless she decided she wanted to come back to New York, would remain distant.

"Dr. Montgomery," he said slowly. "Yes, well you're needed with the quintuplets. Two of them will definitely need surgery. The other three are stable for now, but you can never know with babies that premature when they are going to take a turn for the worse."

"Show me the way," Addison said with a smile. Here, she was in her element—her personal life might be in shambles, but she was still good at her job, and more importantly, she enjoyed it. It seemed to be one of the few things in her life that remained relatively stable, and lately that had become something she really appreciated.

A careful examination of the quintuplets showed that, as the chief had told her, three of the twins were stable, one needed minor surgery, and one needed more major surgery. The surgery would be difficult, but Addison had done it before, and she was able to sincerely assure the mother that the chances for the survival of her daughters were quite great. With nothing left to do until surgery in the afternoon, Addison wandered around the hospital, bitterly remembering both the good and the bad. Though the nurses, surgeons, and other hospital workers all looked at her in surprise and immediately turned to discuss her to her friends, Addison pretended not to notice.

Addison felt a tap on her shoulder, and turned around to see Derek. "What are you doing here?" Addison asked, sighing loudly.

"Inviting you to a wedding shower?" Derek responded, and he looked genuinely confused. "I don't know…ask Nancy. Rather, ask Kathleen…Nancy claims not to know what I'm talking about, and it was Kathleen who told me to invite you."

"Derek, what are you talking about?" Addison said impatiently. "I'm here on business, and honestly, I see enough of you in Seattle—I don't need to see you here too."

"Trust me, I feel the exact same way," Derek said wryly. Addison felt a pang of hurt, but checked herself quickly before her emotions could get out of hand. The last thing she needed was to break down and cry in the middle of the hospital. Besides, she reasoned, she and Derek were divorced, and normally divorced people don't want to voluntarily spend hours of their time, especially on vacation, with the person they are divorced from. That Derek minded her presence more than she minded his was to be expected—after all, he was in another relationship.

"Derek, I'm not in the mood for this. Just tell me what's going on."

"Basically, you're invited to Kathleen's baby shower. Actually it was more of a demand than an invitation, and they've already made arrangements for you."

"Derek, I can't go," Addison said, but it came out as more of a plea than a statement. She bit her lip, not liking how pathetic and whiney she had just sounded.

"Addison, you're going," Derek said, his temper rising. "I don't know how you do it—you cheat on me, and our friends hug you and tell you its okay. We get divorced, and still my family wants you around! Especially Nancy—Nancy, Addison! She'd rather have you around than me, her brother. Are you sleeping with her too?" he half shouted.

Everybody near by turned to look at them, and Addison struggled to keep her composure. "Good bye, Derek," she said with apparent calmness, but eyes betrayed her, showing anger, sadness, betrayal, self-loathing. She turned away, and walked the opposite direction from Derek, her only goal to get as far away from him as she possibly could. A hand grabbed her, and pulled her around.

"That was uncalled for," Derek apologized. "We were getting along so well in Seattle…it must be New York that's causing us to act like this."

"You to act like this," Addison snapped. "I'll go to Kathleen's baby shower, just leave me alone." She turned around again, and walked away. She hadn't gotten very far away when an in intern ran up to her.

"Doctor Montgomery? One of the quintuplets is crashing—the one that needs the most extensive surgery. We need to go into surgery immediately," the intern panted.

"Shit," Addison cursed. "She was doing better earlier. Get an OR, and then scrub in, Doctor…" Addison paused, unsure of the intern's name.

"Anderson."

"Doctor Anderson," she repeated.

Ten hours later, Addison walked into her brownstone. The baby had passed away—her heart had stopped almost instantly after surgery began, and, despite Addison's best efforts, was not to be brought back. Informing the mother had been tough, especially since she had to simultaneously talk about the risks of the other baby's surgery. Luckily, that surgery had been successful, and the baby was stabilized and recovering nicely. Her work done, Addison had bid goodbye to Daniel, and left the hospital.

* * *

Driving in her car, the one she had left in New York, the one that was technically half Derek's, Addison felt fearful. She had never expected to have to meet Derek's family so soon, and, though she'd never admit it, she felt terribly insecure. She had spent half of her week spent in New York trying to find some excuse to not show up to Kathleen's baby shower, and the other half waiting to be reunited with the people who she had called "family" for so many years. 

When she pulled into a parking lot, Addison stepped out of the car and made her way towards Kathleen's house. She wished that Kathleen had decided to have the baby shower at any place other than her house. Addison rang the bell, and waited for the door to open.

When the door did open, Addison saw Kathleen. "Addison," Kathleen said, and stared at her, as if trying to figure out where exactly Addison had gone wrong, and why. "It's a pleasure to have you. You're a bit early—would you like something to drink?"

"I'm fine, thanks," Addison responded, and she and Kathleen stood there in awkward silence. The silence was broken by the shrieking sound of children.

"Aunt Addie! Aunt Addie!" Katie and Jon shrieked as they ran up to her to hug her. Addison hugged them back, grateful that somebody still wanted her around. Tears came to Addison's eyes, and she wiped them quickly before anybody could see. She wondered how much of what had happened the children knew. She suspected that Katie, at age fifteen, knew at least part of the story while her ten year old brother, Jon, knew not much of it.

"You have to see my new room—it's been completely redecorated!" Katie exclaimed, and she took Addison's hand and pulled it in the direction of the stairs. "Please?"

"And then you can play cars with me," Jon informed her, his face lit up by the prospect of a playmate.

"Kids, don't pester Aunt Addison. She just drove up here from New York," Kathleen said dutifully, as if it was some speech she had rehearsed. Addison remembered that Kathleen had always been more serious than her siblings.

"It's fine. I don't mind, really," Addison told Kathleen. "Lead the way!" she told Katie.

Katie proudly showed Addison her room, and then when Addison was leaving to play cars with Jon, Katie spontaneously hugged her. "Aunt Addie?" she whispered. "I forgive you, and I love you. We all love you…just Mom needs a bit more time to show it." Addison hugged Katie tighter. Sometimes children can tell you what you need to hear most, Addison realized.

Addison spent the baby shower in the back of the room, occasionally socializing with adults or her nieces and nephews, most often just sitting there, and staring into space. When everybody had left, and Kathleen was cleaning up in the kitchen, Derek came up to Addison. "I'm glad you could come," he told her.

"Do you mean it?" Addison questioned tiredly. She was worn out, even though her reception had been much easier than she had expected.

"I do," he said a smile. "Do you want to drive me home? I was going to stay here for the night and drive back with Nancy tomorrow morning, but I need to get away. Don't get me wrong—I love my family—but all of the questions are too much just right now."

"I understand," she said simply, "And you can take the car back into New York, but you're going to have to drive at least half of it."

"Fine by me," he said cheerily. Many explanations later, they both got into the car. Addison sat in the front passenger seat, and was asleep within minutes; even when it was Addison's turn to drive, Derek didn't wake her up. When they arrived in the city, Derek shook her until she woke up.

Her eyes half closed, Addison moved her head to look at Derek. "Where are we?" she questioned. "Is it my turn to drive?" She opened her eyes more, and looked past Derek and out the window to see the brownstone. "Derek, you didn't have to drive all of the way here," she said, her voice groggy. She unbuckled her seatbelt and got out of the car, as did Derek. It was only after she had said goodbye to Derek that she realized that she had forgotten to remind Derek to take Nancy's keys. Addison restrained herself from picking up her phone and calling Derek—she was aware that if she called Derek, she would do something stupid like invite him to stay at her house.

Though she hated to admit it, she still loved Derek. She had tried everything possible to get over him. She had slept with Mark, she had taken pains to become on more friendly terms with her colleagues, and she had looked at houses so that she could stop living in a hotel. Looking at houses had been a big step—it would be the first house she had ever bought without Derek. She had even forgiven Meredith for taking part in ruining her marriage with Derek. She had come to the realization that her relationship with Derek was over, yet try as she might to get over Derek, she couldn't. Even when she had been having sex with Mark, which was in itself a pleasurable experience, she had been comparing him to Derek. Perhaps if she just tried harder to get over Derek it would work, and if not, there must be some truth to the saying that time helps heal all wounds.

Addison couldn't help but think that her life was in shambles. She had always been in control, as long as she could remember. She had done well in school, and worked hard to become a successful surgeon. She had been happily married to the man that she thought she would be with forever, and remained on good terms with her friends even when she became swamped in work. Everything had been fine, until it wasn't, and now she couldn't figure out how to make it fine again.

"Oh God, I need a drink," Addison exclaimed suddenly, but thought better of it. Painful as it might be to admit, Addison had found that recently when she drank too much, she did stupid things and turned into some sort of emotional wreck. Though she didn't think she had enough liquor in the house to get drunk off of, Addison decided that perhaps sleep would be a better option. She made her way up to her bed, set her alarm and lay in bed for hours, unable to get to sleep.


	3. Internal Changes

Disclaimer: I still do not own Grey's Anatomy and, unfortunately, never will.

A/N: I wrote this chapter from 1:00 to 4:00 in the morning when I couldn't fall asleep because I had a really bad stomach ache. I was going to redo it later, but you know, I actually really like this chapter. Alex and Bailey made me smile, and finally Addison is being less pathetic and more of an adult...though don't get me wrong, I like sad, contemplative Addison too… Don't worry, though, I still promise all of you that this is eventually going to be addek, it just isn't going to be addek instantaneously. There is no way that Addison and Derek could plausibly make up fast and, besides, I have some fun plans for Addison before she and Derek are able to overcome their differences and be happy together. Addek is amazing…those two were just meant for each other. Oh, and just a quick note. In my story, Addison didn't throw her rings into the river, she kept them. I know throwing them into the river is more drastic, but I really wanted Addison to keep them.

**Internal Changes**

As Addison walked into the hospital, she wondered if people noticed the difference in her. She had spent the whole plane flight thinking, before vowing to get her life under her control. She had thought about doing something drastic to portray the change, cutting her hair, perhaps, but had ultimately decided against it. Having an uglier haircut would not fix any of her problems, and she didn't want a new piercing, or rebellious clothing. Instead, she had decided to just take her rings off (which she put in a secure place in the back of her closet), and let the rest of her changes be internal.

Addison got into the elevator, and when Derek and Meredith got in as well, she simply smiled. "Good morning," she said cheerfully.

"It is, isn't it?" Meredith said, exchanging a look with Derek. Their exchanged looks clearly expressed their wish to not be in the elevator with Addison, but it was only until Addison left them alone in the elevator to visit the NICU that they actually bothered to look at her. Addison was a little disappointed that they noticed no differences, but since she had not expected Meredith or Derek to pay much attention to her and therefore did not look back at them, she was unaware that they were staring at her. Instead, she was proud that she had not felt the customary pain she associated with seeing Derek and Meredith together. Perhaps, Addison thought, perhaps she could even someday forgive Meredith.

"She…she's changed, hasn't she?" Meredith questioned Derek.

"Yes she has," Derek responded, puzzled, "but I'm just not sure how." Both Meredith and Derek silently pondered what was different in Addison before, with a parting kiss, they were forced to go their separate ways.

Unaware of this exchange between Derek and Meredith, and satisfied that the babies in the NICU were being properly taken care of, Addison went to find herself a new case. She had no induced labors scheduled for today, and there were currently no laboring mothers that she was aware of. When she saw Miranda Bailey leaning against the wall and examining a case, she walked up to Miranda. Miranda looked at her out of the corner of her eyes. "Decided to _finally_ get over that ex-husband of yours?" Miranda questioned, putting emphasis on the word "finally."

"Miranda!" Addison scolded, and pretended to be shocked that Dr. Bailey would say something quite so insensitive and upfront.

"Well, are you?" Bailey demanded. "I'm not one to play guessing games, Addison."

"I'm over him," Addison said, trying to conceal her pride and relief. "If he wants Meredith, that's just fine by me, because I am completely over him. I even got rid of the rings, looked at real estate ads, and considered dating sometime again in the near future."

Bailey raised her eyebrows. "Are you asking me on a date, Dr. Montgomery?" Bailey said dryly, and was once again scolded by Addison, who had a hard time keeping not laughing. Finally, when Addison had finished glaring at her, Bailey handed the binder she was looking at to Addison. "It's all yours," Bailey said. Addison examined the case; it wasn't a terribly interesting case, but the woman would most likely need a c-section when she gave birth.

"I'll need an intern," Addison told Bailey, who nodded, and called the interns over.

"Karev, you're with Sloan," Bailey said. Addison watched as Karev first looked pleased that he was with Sloan, then irritated by the prospect of today's pointless activities. The whole hospital was well aware of Sloan's abominable behavior towards interns, but fundamentally Sloan was too good at his job, and too much of a self-confident ass to be forced to change. "Christina, Burke has requested you. O'Malley, you're with Shepherd; Grey, you're with Montgomery. Stevens, shadow Grey today…you know the rules by now." Stevens smiled, as if she was happy to shadow other interns for months, and Addison was impressed by her strength. She was not sure if she would have been able to put up with such treatment, even if she had made as terrible a mistake.

Resisting the urge to glare at Bailey, who had, in Addison's mind, clearly given her Grey because she had proclaimed herself to be over Derek, Addison told her interns to follow her. Addison turned away from where her patient's room, and Izzy and Meredith exchanged looks. "Do you not want coffee?" Addison asked her interns, as they passed Karev, who was walking the same direction as they were, holding Mark's cell phone to his ear, looking like he was going to murder somebody—preferably Mark. Addison made a mental note to reprimand Mark the next time she saw him.

"What are you doing here?" Izzy questioned Alex, as they all got in line for coffee.

"I'm getting Sloan a coffee with just enough milk that it turns a caramel color, and a corn muffin," Alex responded. "And you are…fetching something for Grey to drink?"

"Alex, stop being an ass. Just because you're jealous doesn't mean that you have to act like that," Izzy said teasingly, before continuing more seriously. "I don't know how you left her for Sloan," she hissed. "Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd…I mean, Dr. Montgomery…is letting us all get coffee before we visit our patients. I know you might not want to become a neonatal surgeon, or go into obstetrics, but it has to be better than fetching breakfast for McSteamy. He's not going to let you in on an actual surgery; you do know that, right? Plus, sorry about this, Meredith, she's _nice_."

Alex put up his hand to stop Izzy from speaking any more, and pressed Mark's phone to his ear. "Hello? I'm calling because my boss's dry cleaning has not been delivered…no, apologies are not good enough! Because you didn't deliver his clothes, I'm stuck on the phone now instead of being in surgery, or at least doing something other than this…they'll be ready at 2:00? Fine…and they'd better be there!" Alex hung up the phone and glared at Izzy, Meredith, and Addison, all of whom were snickering.

Addison reached across Meredith, grabbed Mark's phone, and put it into the pocket of her coat. "Sorry, Karev, but this has just gotten ridiculous," she told him.

"You can't do that," Alex informed Addison angrily, and stuck his hand out so that Addison could return the phone to him. "I could get fired for not doing what my attending asks, and either way I'll never get to see a real surgery if I can't even be trusted to do dry cleaning!" Addison shook her head to say that she was not going to give the phone back. "This isn't funny!" he exclaimed, now furious. His eyes glared at Addison, and his face looked extremely stubborn—it was not the face of somebody who was used to being defied. Addison couldn't help but think that he looked sort of cute when he was angry.

"Neither is what Sloan is doing to you," Addison informed Karev. "Well, actually, it is…and you sound a lot more humble when you're picking up dry cleaning…but that's beside the point."

"And what am I to tell Sloan?" Karev demanded. "That the woman who he cheated on with his best friend, your ex-husband, now has possession of his phone, and does not plan on giving it back in the immediate future? Or maybe you can tell it to Sloan yourself, tonight, when you two are in bed together?"

"Alex!" exclaimed all Izzy and Meredith, but it was Addison who continued. "Karev, being treated like crap does not give you any right whatsoever to talk to an attending like that. Don't worry about the phone; I'll give it to him when I next see him, or I'll give it to the Chief and have Mark explain why his intern was making calls about dry cleaning instead of being taught."

"Oh, and that's going to make Sloan more likely to let me into a surgery, isn't it?" Alex exclaimed under his breath, but then remained silent. Even he was aware that he had seriously crossed the line. When they had all gotten coffee, Addison took her interns to check on her new patient. Despite the incident with Alex Karev, Addison remained in a good mood, and was more focused, more empathetic, a better doctor, than she had been throughout her whole stay in Seattle. Izzy and Meredith watched her carefully, trying to ascertain what was different with Addison.

Leaving her patient's room, Addison turned to Meredith. "Get the labs for Mrs. Cohen," she told Meredith, and started to turn around when she was stopped by a question.

"Dr. Montgomery...there's something different about you today, and I can't place it. Did you cut your hair?" Meredith questioned.

"No, Dr. Grey."

"Did you dye it, then?"

"No, Dr. Grey," Addison responded, starting to get slightly annoyed. She was pleased that Meredith noticed that there was something different about her, but was slightly bothered by the personal questions.

There was an awkward pause, before Meredith hesitantly aside, "Dr. Montgomery, I know I have no business asking this, but is Alex correct…are you and Sloan now…?"

Addison turned around quickly, and stared at Meredith, aware of the fact that Izzy was gawping at Meredith. "Really, Dr. Grey, you have no right to ask these sorts of questions. I know I once asked you a personal question of this sort, but see, the difference then was that it regarding the man who was at the time my husband. Dr. Grey, are you not aware of the fact that I am your attending?" Meredith opened her mouth to apologize, but Addison didn't want to hear it. It wasn't really that she was genuinely offended by the question, but it had been a tactless thing of Karev to say, and even more tactless of Meredith to repeat it. Besides, as a rule Addison could not have people asking here these sorts of questions—especially people who she was not friendly with. And even more specifically, she couldn't put up with the woman who had slept with her husband while she was still married to him asking her questions like this.

"Grey, you're off this case," Addison told her. Izzy looked at Meredith as if she was wondering how she had been stupid enough to ask that question.

"Yes, Dr. Montgomery," Meredith said without complaining. She had a feeling that Addison had let her off easy—perhaps it had something to do with the change in Addison that had facilitated this whole exchange, which had been embarrassing for all involved. Meredith handed the binder with Mrs. Cohen's information to Addison, and then started to walk away, as did Stevens. _Doctor_ Stevens, Addison reminded herself, and then had an idea.

"Stevens," she impulsively called out. When the blonde turned, Addison handed the binder to her. "Congratulations. You've just landed yourself a case." Addison looked at the girl, who was clearly in shock. Though what she had just done went strictly went against the set of conditions that Miranda had given Izzy, they did not go against any of the legal conditions that Izzy was now accountable for.

"But I can't…" Izzy began, at the same time that Meredith said, "She's not allowed."

"Doctor Stevens, as your attending, I want you to be my intern, which does not violate any of the legal conditions you are accountable for. I know you might not want to anger the Nazi, but that isn't your decision to make at the moment. Do we not understand each other?" Addison questioned. She waited for a protest, but when there was silence, she continued. "So, now that that's settled, could you please get those labs?"

"Dr. Montgomery—" Izzy began, but was cut off.

"The labs, Stevens. Hurry, before you make me regret this decision." Izzy practically ran to get the labs, as Addison turned to Grey. "No, I don't resent you for the question…Well, I don't resent you that much, anyhow. Grey, go find Bailey and ask for a new case, since you are definitely off mine. Clearly you are distracted, and I can't have my intern asking me if I dyed my hair, or slept with Sloan."

"Thank you," Meredith said, and left. Addison sighed, and went to find Mark so that she could give his phone back, and then yell at him for his treatment of interns. She was feeling like she needed to yell at someone, and Mark deserved it on so many levels. While Addison went to find Mark, Meredith literally ran into Bailey, knocking her papers out of her hand.

"I'm so sorry," Meredith apologized, and when she had picked up all of the papers, asked Bailey, "Where can I make myself useful?"

Bailey looked at her suspiciously. "What happened to you being Addison's intern?"

"Um…she no longer felt my services were necessary." Meredith blushed, betraying her calm voice.

"Good lord, girl, what did you ask her?" Bailey demanded.

"I asked Dr. Montgomery if she was still sleeping with Sloan," Meredith admitted. Some of the people walking around Meredith and Bailey stopped to stare at Meredith, but Bailey got rid of them with a few harsh words and a look.

"It's always one of mine," Bailey lamented, "_always_ one of mine. Grey, it's the pit for you, and don't you bother to protest. You deserve it, asking an attending a question like that what possessed you? Are you drunk?" Meredith hurriedly assured Bailey that she was sober, and that Alex had said it first to Addison's face. At this, Bailey put her face in her hands, not sure if she should laugh or cry.


	4. We're Only Human

Disclaimer: In case you haven't already noticed, I don't own Grey's Anatomy.

A/N: I reread chapter 3, and was horrified to find several typo's...sorry about that! It wasn't until after I had started this chapter that I realized I forgot to discuss the issue of Izzie with Bailey. I guess I shouldn't be surprised I made a mistake like that—after all, I did get around to that part of the story at about 4:00am. Oh, and I've written a few of the later chapters out, I just have to get to where those scenes are…I'm dying to get there. Anyways, please, please, please review!

**We're Only Human**

It wasn't until after Meredith had started to walk away that Bailey realized that she had missed something. "Grey," Bailey called. "What happened to Stevens?" Meredith paled noticeably, and looked at Bailey with horror—as if insulting Dr. Montgomery wasn't enough to make Bailey hate her, to be the one to mention what had happened to Izzie made Meredith want to run away.

"Um…I think you just might want to speak to Dr. Montgomery…I really don't think that I should be the one to tell you."

"Grey, tell me what happened!" Bailey demanded.

"Um…really, Dr. Montgomery should be the one to tell you what happened—" Meredith was silenced by a look from Bailey. "Okay, then. Dr. Montgomery put Izzie on the case, after I, um, offended her. We told her that it was against the rules, but she insisted. Really, you should talk to her."

Bailey stared at Meredith, slightly horrified. "Damn," she murmured. "Did she say why?" Bailey demanded, but she knew the answer. She knew exactly why Addison had put Stevens on the case, but she didn't approve of it, and she resented the fact that Addison had gone behind her back. Despite that, to some extent Bailey understood it, and could applaud Addison for being the first to allow Stevens to do actual work. If Burke and Christina had gotten off so lightly, though admittedly they didn't kill anybody, Izzie should be allowed some chance to prove that she was still a capable doctor.

Grey shook her head, opened her mouth to say something, but thought better of it and turned around and started walking to the pit. A day of suturing seemed like a great alternative to the wrath of Bailey. Bailey considered paging Addison to demand an explanation, but decided against it when she saw Addison standing next to Mark, holding his cell phone, and looking like she was going to kill him. Bailey shook her head, and walked toward her patient's room. She'd deal with Addison later, and she honestly didn't want to be around Addison when Addison was angry at Sloan.

"Give that to me," Mark demanded, just as Bailey turned walked into her patient's room. "You have no right to…"

"No," Addison said, her voice level but filled with anger. "Mark, you have absolutely no treat interns the way you do. Not that Karev doesn't need to be humbled, because he does, but dry cleaning and breakfast are not the way to do so. They're interns, Mark, not slaves, and their job is to learn how to become better surgeons, not how to fetch breakfast."

Mark stared at Addison incredulously. They had had this argument several times before, but there was something different about it now. Addison had changed, something about her was different than the last time he had seen her, before she had gone to NYC on a case, and Mark knew exactly what was different. He wasn't looking at the new Addison, the one that pretended to be okay, the one that spent hours secretly crying over her lost marriage instead of going on with life. He wasn't looking at the Addison who lived in New York the last few years of her marriage to Derek—that Addison was broken, and lonely, and scared, in denial, and fighting to make it all better. He was looking at the old Addison, the Addison who was directed, and motivated, and bossy, yet simultaneously beautiful, and kind, and compassionate. He was looking at the Addison who Derek had fallen in love with, the Addison who he had fallen in love with.

"Mark, are you not paying attention to a word I am saying? Because it would be equally convenient for me to tell Richard, to give him your phone and remind him once again what a huge mistake it was allowing such a jackass to work here." Addison resisted the temptation to slap Mark, an act which she was painfully aware would prompt Mark to make a crude comment, and eventually lead to a long, painful conversation she really did not want to have again, especially not today when she was happy and changed.

"I hear, Addison. Interns are people—I get it. Can I have my phone back?"

"No you can't, Mark, because I know you. The second I give the phone back, you'll give it to Alex with directions to make sure to stay out of Satan's way when dealing with the drycleaners."

"First of all, I need my phone back unless _you_ want to be dealing with my dry cleaning from now on which, incidentally, I wouldn't be all that upset with. Second of all, I'd never call you Satan." Mark smiled, and Addison groaned. As much as she hated Mark, she couldn't help but realize that there was some truth in what he said.

"Mark, you don't always have to act like such an ass," Addison sighed, paused, and then continued softly but forcefully. "If nothing else, you're a good surgeon, and you have the opportunity to teach others to become as good—that should be what makes you feel empowered, _not_ the ability to order interns around simply because you're an attending." Addison held his phone out to him, and he took it quickly before she could change her mind. "And you do call me Satan, or something of that sort," Addison added as an afterthought. "Practically everybody does around here, seemingly unaware that I'm not deaf."

"Only Derek calls you Satan," Mark said smugly. "The interns seemed to have started calling you Satan's whore…"

Addison winced. "Thank you, Mark," she muttered crossly, "I really needed that right now."

Mark smiled at her, and asked the question he knew he shouldn't ask, but wanted to. "Addison, how about we go to dinner tonight?"

Addison looked at him in disbelief. "Are you serious?" she asked, and when he didn't respond, she asked him again. "Are you actually serious?" Still Mark did not respond. "No, Mark, no we can't."

"Isn't it time for you to forgive me?" It infuriated Addison that, even when he was talking seriously, Mark was unable to act sincere, and not smug. "It's been more than a year, Addie, and you still won't talk to me—not like the way we used to talk. Even when we were together, you wouldn't talk, so, please, isn't it time?"

"I'm sorry," Addison said, looking Mark in the eye. "I'm really sorry." Addison grabbed Mark's coffee from his hand because it seemed like a good idea (and she had already finished her own), and walked away before he could protest. She was starting to think that it was impossible for her to really change, not in Seattle. Derek lived in Seattle. Derek, and Mark, and Meredith all lived there, acting as living reminders of how Addison's life had turned out. Not to mention the fact that she had been living in a hotel room for almost a whole year, and the year before that she had spent living in a trailer. But leaving Seattle wasn't an option, not for Addison. The only thing worse than staying in Seattle would be to leave it, to walk away, and never know what would have happened if she had stayed around. Her marriage might be over, but she had other things to fight for in Seattle.

As she walked down the hall towards where she saw Izzie, and while she sipped Mark's coffee, Addison reminded herself that she was changed now, that she wasn't going to get remain caught up on the past any longer. "Do you have the labs yet?" Addison asked.

Izzie handed over the labs to Addison. "They seem normal," she said. Addison looked over the labs to make sure that she agreed with Izzie, and when she looked up she noticed that she was being stared at. "Dr. Montgomery? I know that today you've been asked a lot of inappropriate questions, and I know that this is probably not the best time, but I just…Why did you let me have this case?"

Addison looked at the floor. "Are you sure you want to know?" she warned.

"I'm positive. Even if it hurts, it can't make me possibly feel worse than the other reasons I've been wanted recently. Really, getting told you're wanted because you're under orders to remain silent and not do anything or get in the way…and there was that one time when somebody told me that I was wanted because I was pretty. 'Fun to look at' was the used phrase, I think. I just need to know. Please."

"Please, Stevens," Addison pleaded, "I can't deal with this now." Mentally she reprimanded herself for being weak, but she couldn't bring herself to tell Izzie why she had put on this case. The reason was personal, and painful, and she fundamentally hadn't changed enough to express these emotions openly. Besides, Addison thought, even when she wasn't feeling sorry for herself, even when she was more collected, she still had never been very good at expressing herself to those she wasn't close to.

Dr. Stevens smiled grimly. "Okay," she said, and her voice wasn't bitter, or angry. Instead it sounded sad and disappointed, and when Addison looked up at Izzie, her eyes expressed understanding. Addison thought that, had Izzie not been hell-bent on being loyal to Meredith, Addison thought that they could have become closer to friends or peers than student and teacher.

"Let's go tell Mrs. Cohen that she and the baby are looking good," Addison offered, and Stevens nodded. When the walked into Mrs. Cohen's room, they found Mrs. Cohen lying on her bed, tears streaming down her face, and her husband nowhere in sight.

"Please tell me my baby is going to be okay," Mrs. Cohen sobbed. "Please…please." Addison walked up to Mrs. Cohen and took her hand.

"Your baby is going to be all right. She's doing very well," Addison assured her. "Are you okay? I know this is a stressful period of time, and if there is anything I can do to help you…?"

Mrs. Cohen looked at Addison and Izzie. "I told my husband to get some food, to stop worrying, but I can't stop worrying myself. What if it isn't okay? What if it doesn't work out as planned? I know you say we're doing well, but things can always turn for the worst. I'm so scared—scared that the baby won't be okay, scared that I won't be okay, and scared that I'm not going to be able to get over my fear. Does that even make any sense? Am I a fool to think like this?" she cried.

Addison blinked hard, but before she could speak, Dr. Stevens was. "It makes sense. It makes perfect sense, and you aren't a fool. I'd tell you that we all go through these feelings, but that's more condescending than anything else, so I want to let you know that we're here for you."

"Thank you," Mrs. Cohen whispered, and Addison admired Izzie's skill with patients. Some people were naturally blessed with good bedside manner, some had to learn it, and some never could get it mastered. Izzie easily fell into the first category; so did Addison.

Addison and Izzie finished with Mrs. Cohen, and after they closed the door to her room, Addison looked at Izzie. "We all make mistakes, every last one of us. Most of the time those mistakes are easily fixable, but with others they need a lot of work, and even then the wound can never be completely healed. I get that. Everybody deserves a second chance, and when you get that second chance, you deserve to have those around you fighting for you.

"It…" Addison had to force herself to go on. "It takes more than one person to make it work. If only one person is fighting for the cause, then the chances of the wound getting fixed are extremely slim. It can never be healed completely, and sometimes it cannot be healed at all, but it is wrong to give up fighting before you have even started, to submit to the punishments given by others without complaint. Wounds don't fix themselves. So, I'm going to fight for you and give you a chance to prove what you are capable of. Don't let me down."

Despite the lack of examples, Izzie knew that Addison had not only been talking about Denny. Addison had been talking about her relationship with Derek, and Izzie knew how hard it must have been for Addison to say that, knew that Addison would not have told anybody this before, even her close friends. Addison had wanted to tell, but could not get past the self-loathing, and the anger, and the terror that she experienced whenever anybody tried to approach the subject. Izzie wanted to say something to comfort Addison and say how much she appreciated this, but couldn't express herself verbally. Finally, after a long pause, Izzie said simply, "Thank you."

Addison looked at the floor, embarrassed, but after a moment looked up at Izzie. "Don't let me down, Stevens," she repeated.

"My friends call me Izzie," offered Izzie, hoping that she had not crossed one of the many lines between the attendings and the interns.

Addison hesitated, "Mine call me Addison," she eventually said. They stood there in silence for a moment before parting—Izzie to hang out with the other interns, and Addison to go check on the babies in the NICU since she didn't have any other cases today. As she entered the elevator, she saw Derek inside.

"You spend way too much time in elevators," she informed him as she entered the elevator, her eyes smiling. "Seriously, Derek, it's starting to get weird." Derek looked up from his blackberry and looked at Addison, once again trying to figure out what was different about her. She reached across Derek, her arm brushing against his, as she pressed the appropriate button.

"You think so?" he asked pleasantly. He knew he was missing something obvious, and he glanced down at her hands. That was it, Derek realized, Addison was no longer wearing her wedding rings. Though Derek had expected to be thrilled when Addison stopped wearing them, he found himself pained, as if he had just lost the last reminder of his marriage to Addison. Derek grabbed Addison's left hand, and examined her ring finger. "You're not wearing the rings anymore," Derek said, half to himself and half to Addison.

"I tried soap," she said blandly, attempting to smile.

"Soap," he muttered, "Soap is nice and slippery." Addison looked into his face, unable to figure out why he didn't seem as happy as she had expected. "Glad it worked for you," he told her.

They stood in silence for a moment until Addison realized that Derek was still holding her hand and staring at it. Addison pulled her hand away quickly, ignored Derek's embarrassed look, and wished that the elevator would run faster; when it didn't, Addison felt obligated to speak. "I've been meaning to thank you for driving all of the way home from Kathleen's. You didn't have to do that, and I really appreciated it." There was another long silence, and then Addison spoke again, "Derek, I'm sorry I forgot to remind you to take the keys from Nancy. I only realized after I was home and you had left…I guess you found a hotel or something?"

"I stayed at a hotel," he said simply, "But I would have appreciated it if you had remembered to remind me to ask Nancy about the keys. You never were good at remembering things like that—you'd remember the longest lists of random facts, and then forget to call and make dinner reservations. Do you remember that time when…"

Addison cut him off. "You don't have to do this, this whole act where we pretend like everything is okay between us. Everything isn't okay." Until recently, Addison would have been thrilled that they were acting not only civil, but friendly. She would have prayed that perhaps they would be able to fix what had happened between them, that he would once again love her. Now, half to her horror, Addison was more inclined to see it as painful and distracting. Before Derek could say anything, the elevator door opened, and Addison got off.


	5. I Wandered Lonely As A Cloud

Disclaimer: Grey's Anatomy is still not mine. Neither is the title of this chapter, which is the first line of a famous poem, _The Daffodils_, by William Wordsworth.

A/N: Sorry it took me so long to update, and I'm sorry this chapter is so pathetically short. I had a 103 degree fever for most of a week, and now I have to study for exams extra hard since I'm a week behind because I was sick. I don't love this chapter (I really liked the last chapter), but I do have a favorite line in it. Have any guesses? Incase you can't guess, though that seems unlikely, it is when Addison tells Sloan, "I'm pretty sure that is considered assault." Oh, and before I say anything else… I've broken 2,700 hits. Yay! I also want to thank everybody who reviewed…you're amazing. Please, please, _please_ review. If you do, there are cookies…plus, reviews make me write faster! Plus, since I have exams all of next week, unless I get a lot of reviews (or absolutely need a break), you probably won't get another update until next Monday at the earliest.

**I Wandered Lonely As A Cloud**

Addison looked at the real estate brochure she had sent away for as she sat alone in the cafeteria, a partially uneaten salad in front of her. Halfheartedly she circled another listing with red marker, and glanced around her, hoping that she would see somebody who would sit with her. When she had been married to Derek, she had sat with him at lunch. Now, however, most of the time she sat alone.

Growing up, Addison hadn't been able to understand why her classmates made such a big deal over who they sat with at lunch. A self-declared band geek, Addison had always been content to sit with her friends, even if they were considered "weird" by the kids who were currently popular; she fundamentally couldn't understand why there was so much anxiety over something as stupid as lunch seats. Even when she got older and outgrew her awkward childhood, she still couldn't understand why it was such a big deal. She had always been sure of her place in society, and she had always had friends. In Seattle, she knew nobody outside of the hospital, and had even fewer friends.

Now, as she sat in the cafeteria, over a dozen eyes staring at her, gossiping about her and not caring that she noticed, Addison understood why people felt such feelings of anxiety. Pretending not to mind, she read to real estate ads until, out of the corner of her eye, she saw Miranda, Callie and Sloan enter. Addison looked at Miranda hopefully, but received a glare—Bailey was still mad at her for her treatment of Izzie, which had been made worse when she requested that Izzie to be put on her service. She knew that this was a foolish thing to do, that it would lead to people believing that Izzie could only function under her, but until people began accepting that Stevens was a good intern, she couldn't really see the harm.

Pretending not to care that Bailey was mad at her, Addison circled another listing (this one had a pool, though that was hardly necessary—or useful—in Seattle), but jumped when somebody placed a hand on her back.

"Is anybody sitting here?" Mark asked, gesturing to the seat next to Addison. With the hand not holding the tray, Mark began to massage her back, before she pulled away, outraged.

"Yes," she said shortly.

"Really? Because you looked all alone and lonely and in use of some company…" Mark drawled as Addison picked up her fork as if she was going to start eating and he was getting in the way. She hoped that not everybody knew she was lonely—she hated being pitied even more than she hated being hated or gossiped about.

"Somebody is sitting there, Mark. Just go away," she snapped, unconsciously brandishing her fork as if it were a sword, to the obvious amusement of those watching her.

"Addie…" he began, trying to remain charming and seductive and not at all hurt, "We could both use the company. You're really, _really_ good company, you know that?" Mark held his tray with one hand as he put his hand on her shoulder, massaging it, each rub going farther down her chest. Had she not been in a public place, Addison would have slapped him, yelled at him, or said something crude about him…possibly all three. Instead she satisfied herself with squirming out of his grasp and hitting his hand more than lightly and in a way that could be mistaken by absolutely nobody as sexual.

"I'm pretty sure that is considered assault," she informed him, her eyes ablaze.

"I'm sorry, just let me sit down, Addison," Mark half-pleaded. His face looked genuinely injured, and Addison (though she was not at all sorry for her actions and furious at Mark) felt herself begin to cave. She had seen Mark genuinely hurt enough times to know what it looked like and, to Addison's relief, horror, pleasure and confusion, Mark looked really rather upset. Though she hated Mark, she didn't like to think that she had hurt somebody—especially somebody who she had considered to be one of her best friends for so many years.

"Actually, somebody is sitting there," Callie said, putting her tray down next to Addison's, and quickly sitting down in the available chair. Callie raised her eyebrows at him, and he glared at her, defeated, before he walked away to sit with another plastic surgeon who he had gotten to know.

"Thank you," Addison said gratefully.

Callie smiled at Addison. "You looked like you needed my help," she responded, as she unopened her soda.

"More than I'll ever admit," Addison grumbled, "Sloan can just be so…infuriating." Callie gave her a look that clearly meant _tell me something I don't know_, and began to eat. More than slightly embarrassed by Sloan's behavior, Addison flipped absently through the brochure. Suddenly a house caught her eye. "Three bedrooms, four baths, kitchen, pantry, living room, dining room, den, library—what exactly is the difference between a den and a library, anyhow?—not to mention the grounds. It's beautiful, look at it!" Addison exclaimed, for the first time enthusiastic about a house that she had seen.

Callie examined the brochure carefully, before speaking hesitantly. "It's beautiful, but what are you going to do with so many rooms?" Seeing the price, Callie spoke without meaning too, "You can afford that?" she asked, slightly amazed. Having realized what she said, Callie looked down, embarrassed. "Sorry," she muttered.

"No, it's okay. I can afford it easily, but you're right, I guess…I'm just not used to living alone. Before now I've never had to buy a house that was going to be just for me. It's more practical to get an apartment, I know, but I just can't bring myself to live in an apartment, not after the brownstone in New York…" Addison trailed off, lost in thought. "Why didn't you buy a house or something? After Richard kicked you out of the hospital?" she asked.

"I have money, but not enough to buy a place that I really like without going into some debt," Callie said truthfully. "In a few years I should have enough. It's silly, I know, but I don't want to buy a place that I don't love. It's ironic that the girl who had no problem living in a hospital can't bring herself to live in a place she doesn't love, right?"

Addison shrugged. "A little," she admitted, and they sat in silence for a moment.

"Plus, as long as I live in the hotel everything seems like it is on hold. In the hotel, I don't have to believe that I'm no longer with the man I love. I don't have to move on."

"Yeah," Addison agreed, "I know that feeling." Addison sighed loudly, as did Callie. She hated to admit it, but what Callie just said was the exact reason why she was still living in a hotel and hadn't moved out months ago. Now even more resolved to move out of the hotel, Addison stared at the house that had caught her eye. "Maybe I'll get a roommate?" she wondered aloud. It was kind of silly to have a roommate when she didn't need one for financial reasons, but the house was really too big and, besides, she had never lived alone before.

Callie looked at Addison in amazement and stifled a laugh. When Addison demanded to know what was funny, Callie just smiled and said, "I just can't really picture you with a roommate, that's all."

Trying to picture herself with a roommate, Addison had to smile. The image seemed absurd, yet somehow soothing. "You know, Callie, you might just be wrong about that," Addison warned as she picked up her blackberry to call the number listed below the house. A few minutes later she had set up an appointment to visit the house for later in the week.

* * *

Addison stared absently at a full glass of beer, absently playing with a piece of hair, completely unaware of the noise and action going on around her. "You okay?" Joe asked her, startling her. 

"Yeah," she responded without taking her eyes off of the glass.

"Are you sure?" Joe questioned, slightly concerned. He hadn't seen Addison this contemplative since the day she had taken off from work after she had realized that she was going to be divorced. Actually, he wasn't sure if he had ever seen her quite this contemplative—before she had gotten drunk so quickly that by midmorning she was more raw emotions than anything else. Joe liked nearly everybody who entered his bar, but he had a special place for Addison, who was so clearly trying her hardest to work her way out of a bad position.

Addison sighed loudly, and looked up at Joe. "I bought a house," she said, as if this explained everything. Bailey, who had been sitting next to Addison silently, looked up, her eyes questioning.

"That's great!" Joe exclaimed enthusiastically.

"Yeah, I know," Addison replied glumly. She knew she should be ecstatic, knew she should be thrilled that she was now the owner of a house and no longer had to live in a hotel. It had all been too easy, really. She had gone to see the house, still loved it, made a bid, and it had been accepted within the week. She had paid less than she had expected to, and there had been no hassle involved. It had been the ideal house-buying experience, yet, now that she owned the house, she didn't want to move. The hotel had become her safe haven, the place where she went to escape from the real world. "Why can't I just be happy?" she questioned softly, more to herself than to Joe or Miranda.

To her surprise, Miranda leaned towards Addison and hugged her briefly. "It'll all be okay," she told Addison, who tried to glare at her, but really succeeded in looking sad instead of angry.

"People always say that. People have got to stop saying that."

"Hey, I never said it would be easy, or pleasurable," Bailey informed Addison sternly. "I said you'll be okay, which you will." She didn't bother to question why buying a house had gotten Addison worked up into such a state, instead jumping to the core of the problem. "You're doing the right thing, Addison, even if it might not be the easiest thing."

"I know," Addison responded.

They sat in silence for several minutes until finally, overcome with curiosity, Bailey asked, "You bought a house? I didn't know that…when are you moving?"

Addison stared at Bailey in disbelief. "_Not_ helping," Addison chided, but didn't wait for Miranda to apologize (or not, since after all it _was_ Miranda she was dealing with) before continuing. "I found the house a few weeks ago, looked at it, bought it, and now can move into it in about a month." Not feeling in any mood to talk, Addison took a large sip of beer, and then went back to staring at the (still almost full) glass. Miranda left after a few minutes to go home, and Addison remained alone.

She wasn't aware of how much time had passed, wasn't aware that the bar was practically empty now. "Are you going to drink that?" Joe finally asked Addison, referring to the full glass of beer she was still staring at.

Addison shook her head, and Joe reclaimed his glass. "What time is it, Joe?" she asked.

"Two," he replied, and she cursed. "I'm almost ready to close. I was going to tell you the time at midnight, but you looked like you didn't want to be disturbed."

"Yeah," she muttered, as she looked around the bar to see who was still there. There was a young couple she didn't recognize, and a few people she recognized from the hospital that she had never spoken to and only knew by sight. Grateful that nobody she knew was there, Addison picked up her blackberry and called for a cab. Within a half hour she was at the hotel, and another twenty minutes later she was lying in bed.

Addison lay there with the light off for a while before she glanced at the clock, which read four o'clock. She turned onto her side and grabbed one of the pillows from the other side of the bed, hugging it as if it were a person. Squeezing her eyes shut, and reminding herself that she had to be up in only a few hours, Addison tried to empty her mind of all emotion until, eventually, she was able to fall asleep.


	6. Let's Play Pretend

Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's Anatomy.

A/N: You know, they should give me a medal for being the best procrastinator on the planet. Seriously, they should. Okay, I'm going to pay for making Addison and Callie roommates…I'm going to pay in spades. I have no idea why I did that, it just came to me, and then I wrote it, and then I kind of liked it, so I kept it. But, seriously, I have no idea where that is going. However, I do know what is happening next in this story. It may be a bit soon, because I know before I was all "eventually addek because they won't get together really fast", but, well, it's going _really_ slowly at the moment, and so…well…you'll see.

**Let's Play Pretend**

It was a boring day at work, and there was no other way to describe it. Had Addison been interested in hospital gossip, it would have been a quite interesting day (something about Christina and Preston being caught naked in the on call room…again), but since she made it a rule to participate as little as possible in gossip, the day was boring. She had no surgeries scheduled, since her patient went into labor during the middle of the night and the c-section was done by the attending that was on call, and all of the other mothers and their children seemed to be doing well.

"You know, you don't have to be exclusively on my service, if you don't want," Addison informed Izzie, as they both sat in the NICU filling out paperwork.

"I know," Izzie replied without looking up from the form she was filling out. "But since I'm not allowed into surgeries, yours or others, until I deposit the check and my psychiatrist gives the hospital the 'okay', this is as good as anything else I could be doing."

Addison stared at Izzie. "You _still_ haven't deposited the check?" she asked, slightly exasperated. She had allowed Izzie to scrub into her surgeries since the beginning, so it wasn't until two weeks ago, when she had wanted for Izzie to help her during an emergency surgery, that she had learned that Izzie wasn't allowed to until she deposited the check. "Well, at least you could scrub into a surgery, even if you couldn't participate," Addison reminded Izzie.

"As if there is anybody else who would even let me scrub in," Izzie said matter-of-factly, and Addison cringed, the point taken.

"Maybe if you deposited the check…" Addison began, but stopped when she received a glare from Stevens. Some subjects were better left alone and, since Addison knew of several subjects that she would avoid like the plague if Izzie brought them up, Addison dropped the subject, and both went back to their (seemingly interminable) paperwork.

After a long period of silence, Addison had finally finished the stack of paperwork she had to fill out. She stood up and walked to one of the incubators, looking down at the premature baby boy. "How is it that we get from there to here?" she whispered. "How is it that everything becomes so complicated?"

"Hmmm?" Izzie questioned, unable to hear what Addison had said.

"Nothing," Addison said, and, with one last look at the premature baby, sat back down in her chair. She flipped open a furniture catalogue, and looked at lamps. Her house, while not completely furnished, was getting close, and was definitely at the point where she could move into it. Actually, it had been at that point for a few weeks now, but she hadn't wanted to move in until it looked more like home. Besides, it was rather big, empty, and dark since she was the only one living there, and it was only partially furnished and had not nearly enough lights.

"I bought a house," Addison said finally, noticing Izzie's curious glances at her catalogue.

Izzie's head shot up, and she didn't bother to pretend she hadn't been trying to figure out what kind of catalogue Addison was reading. "Really?" she asked.

"Really," Addison replied. "Actually, I've had it for almost two months now, though I don't live in it yet."

"Really?" Izzie asked again, her voice expressing her curiosity, even though her body language did not.

"You're repeating yourself," Addison pointed out.

"Sorry," Izzie apologized. "It's just that, well, don't take this the wrong way or anything, but normally this kind of news gets around the hospital really quickly. The hospital practically lives on gossip, and it's actually kind of shocking that I haven't heard this before." Izzie tilted her head as she thought about what she had just said. "I don't mean it like that…" she began, but Addison just shook her head with a smile.

It was true, what Izzie said about the hospital, and, though Addison had only told three people before Izzie, she herself was a little shocked to realize that the news hadn't gotten around somehow. Gossip _always_ manages to get around somehow, no matter how hard you guard the secret. "Well, not that many people know, and my friends tend to be good at keeping secrets," Addison said.

Izzie looked at Addison curiously. "In that case, it was probably a bad idea to tell me," Izzie said, only half joking. "I can keep secrets if I have to, but I'm a terrible gossip."

Addison shrugged. "It's not a secret," she replied, her voice even. "Not really, anyhow; I try not to tell anybody my secrets."

"Dr. Montgomery?" Izzie asked tentatively, "It's good to have somebody to talk to, sometimes, to have somebody to tell your secrets to."

Addison arched her eyebrows. "And I'm sure you go around telling everybody your secrets?" she questioned, her tone of voice more aggressive than she had intended. Izzie looked down at her paperwork, upset, and Addison felt guilty. "No, you're right, I guess, and if you have that, I'm happy for you. My oldest friends are in New York and, even if they were here, they have bigger problems to face at the moment. Besides, I'm okay…I'm good, even."

Izzie smiled, slightly unconvinced. "Me too," she said, and they sat in silence, both hoping that they were not lying.

"I just need a place to think, someplace quiet."

"Is that why you do paperwork in the NICU?" Izzie questioned softly.

Addison sighed. "Yeah," she said, internally berating herself for telling so much information to an intern—especially an intern who was friends with Meredith Grey. Biting her lip, Addison reminded herself sternly that she didn't hate Meredith, which, to her astonishment, was true. Before, even when she had claimed to not hate Meredith, it had been a lie, albeit a convincingly told one. Maybe time and contemplation do heal wounds, she thought.

"Me too," Izzie said, her voice almost a whisper. Both sat there, lost in their own thoughts, until Addison's pager went off. A quick glance told Addison that it wasn't urgent, so she got up slowly, relishing what could easily be her last moments of quiet until she went home tonight. Just as Addison was about to close the door behind her, she heard Izzie call to her. "If it's not a secret, am I allowed to tell people about the house?"

For some reason she could not explain, this caused Addison to laugh. "Yes, if you want to," Addison said, before laughing more. She was vaguely aware of the worried look on Dr. Stevens' face, but it felt so good to laugh (even if she wasn't sure what her reason for laughter was) that she waited for it to die naturally. When she was calm, she hurried off to find Bailey, who had paged her, aware that she had taken much longer to answer than she normally did.

When Addison found Bailey, she expected to be given a case, but instead was asked for a consult. Addison's work was done within a half hour, and she was left with nothing to do once again. Feeling slightly guilty that she wanted to perform surgery instead of feeling happy that her patients were doing well, Addison decided to go watch Burke's surgery.

Addison sat down alone in the back of the room; there weren't many people watching this surgery, because almost everybody else was busy. A few minutes later Derek and Meredith entered, holding hands and looking happy. They both glanced at her, and then took seats on the other side of the room in the front because, even though she tried to act civil and as if their actions didn't bother her, contact with Derek was painful for both of them, and was just plain awkward with Meredith.

Addison heard the door open, and turned to see who was entering. She cursed under her breath when she saw it was Mark, though they had been getting on much more civilly the past few weeks. Mark sat down next to her, and they sat in silence for a few minutes. "It's amazing, isn't it?" Mark said, referring to the surgery which, so far, was going successfully.

"Yeah," she said dismissively, hoping he would get the hint that she didn't want to talk. He seemed to, because they sat in silence for a while, the only noise in the room being Meredith and Derek's incessant chatter.

"Are you free tonight?" Mark asked.

"Yeah," Addison said absently, not processing what he had asked until several seconds later. "Wait, what?" she demanded.

"Do you want to come to dinner tonight?" he said.

"I'm sorry, Mark, I just can't," Addison told him, looking him in the eye.

"Please, Addie? It wouldn't have to be anything big, just dinner."

Addison saw Derek look at Meredith the way he used to look at her, as he pulled her closer and kissed her. Addison forced herself to look away; she was almost morbidly fascinated, despite the pain she experienced whenever she saw them like this. Actually, it was probably not in spite of the pain, but because of the pain—some small, irrational part of her believed that she deserved to be hurt, after what she had done to Derek.

Reminding herself that she was moving on, that she was getting over Derek, Addison looked at Mark. "Fine," she told him. "I'll have dinner with you, but you're picking the restaurant and you're providing transportation." Mark smiled at her, and Addison knew she was doing the wrong thing. It wasn't fair to her, and it certainly wasn't fair to Mark, for her to go to dinner with him. Though she tried to deny it, the only reason she agreed to go to dinner with Mark was because her heart ached from watching Derek with Meredith, and because a small part of her hoped that this action would upset Derek. It was payback in a sick, twisted way.

Throughout the whole day, Addison tried not to think about her impending dinner with Mark, an event which she absolutely refused to call a "date." When her day was over, she went back to the hotel to change into something more appropriate (since all of her clothing was still located at the hotel), and met Mark in the lobby. Mark drove her to dinner at a really nice restaurant, and they spent the evening reminiscing about people and places they knew in New York.

Addison was surprised by how caring and _polite_ Mark had been all night, but she knew she really shouldn't be. After all, she knew from years of experience that he really was a good person. As they walked to their car in the parking lot, Addison smiled genuinely at Mark, both painfully aware that this was the first time she had smiled at him genuinely since before she slept with him in New York.

"Thank you, Mark," she told him. "This was really nice."

"It was," he replied, looking at her, and taking in how beautiful she was. "I missed doing things like this."

"I missed it too," Addison said, and she meant it. Mark could be a jerk, and she couldn't understand why he acted so abrasive and rude so much of the time, but, deep down, he cared. He had been a good friend for so many years; Addison couldn't bring herself to throw that away simply because she was mad at him.

Mark leaned toward Addison and kissed her, but she pulled away after a few seconds. "Mark, I can't…" Addison whispered.

"Addie…" Mark began, but was cut off.

"I can't, I just can't," she pleaded, hating how pathetic she sounded.

Mark sighed and opened the car door for Addison. "Okay," he said with a sigh.

Getting into the car, Addison tried to calm herself down, but didn't really succeed. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," Addison repeated over and over, unaware that tears were silently streaming down her face. "I can't…I don't know why…I just can't…oh, God, Mark, I'm so sorry."

Mark looked at Addison, watched her struggling with herself, and felt his heart break all over. "No, I'm sorry, Addie," he told her, and she looked at him incredulously. "I shouldn't have done that." He reached over and held her hand as she, remarkably quickly, regained composure. This was supposed to be his chance with Addison, Mark thought, this was supposed to be the time where he got to go off happily with the woman he loved. He hated to believe that they could never be together, hated to believe that she didn't want to be with him, but hated to see her upset even more, and so he apologized.

"We're both sorry," she said, now laughing slightly because, sometimes, when you're in an awkward situation you react in inappropriate ways. After a moment he started laughing as well, for the same reason. "Mark, we're still friends, right?" she asked.

"Yeah, I guess," he said, putting all of his energy into not sounding tired and sad.

"Good." They sat in the car, both thinking, until Mark finally decided to break the silence.

"So, are we going back to the hotel? Or are we going to some mysterious house that I didn't know you owned until earlier today?" Mark asked with a twinkle in his eyes. Addison covered her face with her hands, pretending to be embarrassed.

"We're going to the hotel. Did the nurses tell you about the house? You can't believe everything you hear in the hospital, Mark," Addison snickered.

"Not the nurses," he responded. "Actually, I learned it from a source much more reliable than the hospital gossips."

"Who?" she demanded.

"Dr. Karev told me when he came back with my lunch. He claimed to have just learned about it from your intern, Izzie Stevens. When he brought my lunch he told me that he knew something that I didn't, which could be new hospital gossip, but he wouldn't tell me unless I let him scrub in to the surgery I did today. The funny thing is that, well, I was actually going to let him scrub in anyhow…" Mark laughed.

Addison laughed as well, though she couldn't let the fact that Alex had brought Mark lunch pass, and she berated him in a much more serious tone about his treatment of interns. Mark shrugged nonchalantly, but Addison hoped that if she told him enough times his behavior was not acceptable, eventually he would change. Pretty soon they were at the hotel, and Addison once again thanked Mark for the evening, both willfully forgetting the incident in the parking lot.

They parted in the lobby; Addison wanted to go back to her room, and Mark wanted to get a drink. When Addison got up into her room, suddenly she realized she couldn't bear to stay there, not one minute longer. Impulsively she packed all of her clothes and belongings into the two suitcases she had brought to the hotel, and went downstairs to check out. The man working at the check out desk was very surprised that she was deciding to check out so suddenly, and asked her if anything had happened to upset her, or if the service had not been up to standards. Addison hurriedly assured him that her stay was great, that nothing had upset her, and that the only reason she was checking out was because she had bought a house.

Addison went back upstairs so that she could get her bags (while her car was pulled around from the parking lot), and she felt oddly glad to get out of what had been her house for the past six months. Before she left the hotel, Addison stood for a moment by the door of the hotel. Could she really do it? Could she really move on? She knew she had to move out of the hotel, and she knew that it was long past time for her to do so, but it was still hard.

Callie startled her out of her contemplative state. "Hey," Callie greeted her. "Are you actually moving? I mean, I heard the rumors, but I didn't know that they were actually true."

"They're true…I think," Addison said, as she looked around the hotel. She had been living in the hotel since two nights after Prom, and it was now early December. She had spent countless hours here, and so much had changed about her, yet so little. "No, not I think," she said quickly, in part so she wouldn't sound pathetic, and in part because it was what she needed to hear. "I know I'm moving. I wasn't going to, not yet, anyhow, but suddenly the thought of staying another night in this hotel became repulsive."

Callie surveyed the lobby, thinking that perhaps she should look into apartments. Even if she didn't want to live in one, it had to be better than living in a hotel, she reasoned. "That's great!" Callie told Addison. "I should probably look into apartments, or something."

"You don't have to," Addison said with a shrug, hoping that she would not regret what she was going to offer. "I mean, I have an extra bedroom, and I'm living alone in a house that is much too big for me…" Addison trailed off, realizing fully how awkward this was. "What I mean," she clarified, when she saw Callie's look of confusion, "What I mean is, well, if you want, you can have one of my bedrooms."

"Really?" Callie asked, struggling with herself. "You wouldn't mind?"

"Nope." Addison smiled, hoping that she hadn't somehow offended Callie. She knew what she was offering Callie was kind of weird, especially since she was _Addison_. Though she pretended not to notice, Addison was aware that half the hospital liked her, and the other half detested her. Besides, she was the woman who had just divorced McDreamy, and a person who was called Satan, or (to her annoyance) Satan's whore.

"Are you sure? I mean, I'm probably a really terrible roommate. I listen to loud music, and I cook spicy food, and I love to watch and cry at sappy old movies, and I'm not terribly neat. But, if you don't mind, I'd love to." Addison looked at Callie, and smiled reassuringly.

"It's fine," Addison reassured Callie.

Callie hugged Addison quickly. "Thank you so much, Dr. Montgomery!" Callie exclaimed, and then tilted her head when Addison laughed, unable to figure out what was so funny.

"Okay, you can't move in if you call me 'Dr. Montgomery.'" Addison warned jokingly, as she watched Callie blush.

"Sorry, it's just that I really don't call you anything when I see you at the bar or the hotel, or during lunch breaks. When I do see you then, I call you Addison, but it's 'Dr. Montgomery' at the hospital, which is where I see you most."

"Well, it's Addison now." Addison stifled a laugh. "Either way, whenever you need the room, it's available. It has a bed now, but I assume you probably need a few days (or even weeks) to get ready to move."

"Actually, if it's okay with you, tomorrow would be good." Callie sighed, and once again the atmosphere was serious. "If I think about it too much, I'll say no—it's much easier to just keep everything on hold." Addison agreed full heartedly, and they agreed that Callie would bring her stuff over the next night, even though Addison was on call then. Before they had time to talk more, Addison's car pulled up. She said goodbye to Callie, loaded her bags into the trunk, and drove to her new house.

Looking around the house, Addison was filled with both happiness and sadness. This was a big step for her, and she reminded herself that now she was one step closer to recreating her life. While she unpacked her clothes and placed them in the closet and dresser, she reminded herself how lucky she was, all things considered. She banished all feelings of sadness to the back of her mind, and pretended they weren't there, even though there was nobody there for to have to put on an act for. Nobody but herself.


	7. I Hate You For Loving Me

Disclaimer: Grey's Anatomy is not mine, unfortunately.

A/N: Still procrastinating…and, about this chapter, I was kind of left in a state of shock after writing it. I wrote the end part a few months ago, and I was so happy that I could finally use it! Don't worry, though; things will be getting better soon in addek land, lol. Oh, I have one question…would "Meredith" made short be "Mer" or "Mere"?

**I Hate You For Loving Me**

"Derek!" Meredith exclaimed, as she walked into the on call room, surprised to see him lying on the bed and staring at the ceiling. "I didn't know you were on call tonight…"

"I'm not," Derek replied shortly and without looking at her.

Meredith locked the door to the on call room, walked to the bed, and lay down next to Derek. "Are you okay?" she questioned, worried. Things between her and Derek had been going so well; for the first time since she learned that he was married to Addison, she was truly happy.

"I'm fine," he said, his voice emotionless.

Meredith turned onto her side so that she could look at Derek, unable to not notice how bloodshot and tired his eyes looked. "Derek, if something is bothering you, you can tell me," she offered. "I might be dark and twisty Meredith, but I'm a good listener." Derek attempted to smile, before he too turned on his side so that he could look at Meredith. She was beautiful, sweet, kind, caring, and loyal. _She _would never cheat on him with his best friend. There was worry in her eyes as she looked him, and it almost hurt Derek physically to see that she was worried for him.

"I'm sorry, Mer, I just need to think," he apologized, leaning closer to her and kissing her. She snuggled closer, and Derek put his arm around her protectively. Both exhausted, they lay there together. After not much time, Meredith had drifted off to sleep, leaving Derek awake to think some more. As he hugged the sleeping Meredith, Derek couldn't help but think how good she felt to him in his arms. When he was with her, there were no questions, and, even when they fought, everything seemed peaceful. If everything was so perfect, Derek reasoned to himself, why did this feel like the calm in the middle of a storm?

For a while everything had been almost deliriously simple for him—his wife cheated on him with his best friend, and he ran away to Seattle, where he fell in love with an intern, Meredith. Addison came and somehow managed to persuade him to go back to her, despite the fact he loved Meredith. He and Meredith had sex at Prom, and then he filed for divorce. Addison had acted like Satan, and therefore made him experience few regrets about divorcing her. They were all extremes, yet they had all been extremely simple decisions to make.

Somewhere along that line, something had changed. In New York, Derek had seen how upset Addison was about the divorce, despite the fact that she had covered it well; what hurt Derek more than the fact that Addison was upset was the fact that he had failed to fully notice. Then Addison had, almost overnight, become the person he had originally fallen in love with, just when he was happiest with Meredith.

It wasn't _fair_. He felt comfortable with Meredith, and the even thought he loved her, but he couldn't get Addison out of his head. She had hurt him so many times, done unforgivable things, and yet he felt this strong urge to go to her and apologize. He felt some weird emotion for Addison still, and he couldn't figure out what it was. It seemed familiar, yet so strange.

Derek closed his eyes tight and tried to fall asleep, reasoning that if he fell asleep, then his troubles would all go away, as if by magic. He knew better, knew that real troubles don't go away that easily, but hoped that, if he tried hard enough, just this once they would. Even though he tried, sleep wouldn't come for him, so he instead lay there staring at the ceiling, concentrating his attention on Meredith's warm, sleeping body.

Suddenly it hit Derek what that emotion was, hit him like a train, or a car, or some other large object. At first he couldn't believe it, as if he was in shock, but then he found himself breathing too hard and struggling not to cry. The emotion was love, and Derek knew exactly what he had to do, though he feared it would hurt everybody involved.

He climbed over Meredith, and she stirred. "Where are you going?" she asked groggily.

"I have to do something," he told her, and kissed her on the forehead before he left the on call room. "Bye, Mer," he whispered, aware that she was already back asleep. His eyes filled with tears, but he couldn't cry. As if possessed, Derek walked around the hospital, looking for somebody who would be able to tell him where Addison now lived.

After a few minutes he found Bailey. "Bailey, can I ask you a favor?" he said.

"What type of favor?" Bailey asked skeptically. With McDreamy, normally the favors he asked somehow involved her interns or her friends, and almost always lead to some sort of distress.

"Can you tell me where Addison lives?" Derek hated to find himself pleading, especially with Bailey, since he wasn't sure if Bailey respected, or even liked, him.

Bailey looked at Derek as if he was crazy. "MrDreamy, do you really think I'm going to tell you that?" she demanded, and he flushed. "Don't you think you've caused enough trouble?"

"I made a mistake, Miranda, or at least I think I did, and I need to figure out if I can fix it." Bailey's outside did not appear sympathetic, however if Derek knew her better, he would have realized that she empathized with him, agreed with him, even. Part of her wanted to tell Derek where Addison lived, and then go and make him apologize. She knew it would throw Meredith into another bout of depression, but, honestly, Addison was her friend, and Bailey wanted to help her. The rational part of Bailey knew that, if she were to tell Derek where Addison lived, she would only be causing Addison more pain.

"Well, that is information I'm not willing to tell you," Bailey said slowly, as if reprimanding an infant, before she walked away. She wasn't in any mood to deal with McDreamy when he was in this sort of mood.

Derek sighed when she walked away, and he went off to harass first the Chief, then the nurses, all of whom refused to tell him where Addison lived. The Chief refused to get involved, which Derek could respect, and warned Derek not to do it, to let Addison mend on her own, and to not hurt anybody any more than he already had (a point which angered Derek, because he recognized its truth). The nurses refused to tell him because they insisted that they were not properly appreciated, respected, or treated by most of the surgeons, and, besides, he didn't have anything to tell them in exchange.

Finally, he did the last thing he could think of—he asked Burke. Unaware of Derek's intentions, Burke told Derek where Addison now lived. Derek thanked him profusely, got in his car, and drove to the address he had been given.

* * *

A knock on the door caused Addison to look up from her book. Wondering who could be at the door at such a late hour, she put her book down and opened the door. The second she saw it was Derek, she started to close it, but he wouldn't let her. "Addison, give me a chance," he said. "Please, Addison, I have something important to say." 

"Fine, Derek, since we're both managed to remain civil for a remarkably long time. Do you think we've managed to break some record…most civil divorced couple, perhaps?" Addison let Derek in, and closed the door. Glancing around her front hall, Addison smiled wryly. "It's a pretty nice house, don't you think?" Addison asked, as they walked into the living room. "Not completely furnished yet but, nevertheless, not bad at all."

"Most civil divorced couple, Addison? Seriously?" Derek sat down on the couch, and Addison sat down next to him. "Addie, I had to tell you…" Derek trailed off, and they sat there in silence for a moment.

"Tell me what?" Addison questioned softly.

"Addie, I think I love you."

Addison looked at Derek, and then put her face in her hands. She was furious, and couldn't believe that Derek would do this to her. Despite everything, including divorce, Addison had thought that he cared for her more than to say that to her, not now, not after all he had done to her. Yet, even though she was mad, a very small part of her, the irrational part of her, was glad to hear that simple statement. "Derek, not now, I don't need this right now." A tear fell down Addison's face, and she quickly wiped it away. "I really don't need this right now. I was happy, Derek; I am happy! I bought a house, and I've gone on a few dates! Please, _please_ just go away now, and never mention this to me again. You don't mean it, and I don't know what the hell possessed you to say it."

"I mean it," Derek insisted.

"If you loved me, you would have tried harder at our marriage. Rather, you would have tried at all to make our marriage work. I'm not blaming you for New York, because that was at least as much my fault as yours, I'm blaming you for…screw this; I'm not blaming you for anything. I just can't deal with this right now, and I'd really appreciate it if you'd understand that and leave right now."

"Addison, I was an idiot not to try harder to make our marriage work out. I didn't really want to make it work—I was mad at you, I was jealous, I was hurt. And then there was Meredith, which complicated things. Addison, I made a huge mistake in not trying harder and, if you're willing, I'd like to try again. I'm not over you. I love you, Addie," Derek said, his voice emotional. He shifted on the couch, touched Addison's knee, and smiled at her.

Addison looked at Derek, tears in her eyes. "I love you, Derek," Addison said, "I love you so much, so goddamn much…" her voice trailed off, but then she continued, her voice stronger. "Derek, you belong with Meredith. You love her, and she loves you. Derek, we spent years of our life together. We share family, and friends, and experiences. You _were _wrong not to try harder, and, Derek, I love you, but I realize that it's time to move on. And, honestly, Derek, this is no longer about what you did wrong, or what I did wrong. This is about protecting myself—I can't keep on getting hurt by you."

Derek reached out and grabbed her hand. "Addie…" he began, but she pulled her hand away from his quickly.

"No, Derek," Addison said softly, "You're dating Meredith now. Just…just don't hurt her, okay?"

Derek looked at her and tilted his head, clearly confused. "But you hate Meredith!" he exclaimed.

"No…no, I don't," Addison said, her voice escalating. "And if you'd paid any attention, then you would know that. I can forgive her—when she first met you, she didn't know that you were married. Only you knew that, and of course you didn't feel that she needed to know that. And then when I showed up, I knew you were in love with Meredith. I should have been the bigger person, I should have just stepped aside, but I wasn't, and as a result you left her to satisfy some need you felt to be a good person. And it hurt her to see you and me together. I've been hurt by you enough, Derek. It's over between us, but it isn't between you and Meredith, and I'm not about to watch you hurt her again."

Derek looked at Addison in astonishment. "I didn't know you felt that way," he murmured, and looked down at the floor.

"You never tried to understand, Derek. You never tried." Addison looked at Derek, who was still staring dumbfounded at the floor, and, without another word, got up and walked out of the room. She had a job to go to, a life to continue. It wasn't until she had reached the bathroom that she realized she was crying. Addison turned on the sink, and cried as softly as she could as she watched the water run down the drain, feeling helpless and hurt. Perhaps because the water was running, she was unaware when Derek walked into the room until he reached over her shoulder and turned the sink off.

Derek pulled Addison around to face him. "It'll all be okay," he said softly.

"I know," Addison sobbed, "But it hurts, and I really don't want you to be here right now, so if you could please go…" Derek put his hand on Addison's shoulder, and hesitantly hugged her. Though she knew it was not in her better interest, Addison hugged him back, as if hanging on for her life. The problem with Derek, Addison realized, wasn't just that she loved him; it was also that he was her best friend.

After a few minutes Addison was calm enough to realize what she was doing, and she pulled away from Derek. Addison looked at Derek, and for the first time in months realized how torn he looked. His jacket and shirt looked wrinkled, and hair looked as if it needed to be combed, and Derek looked as if he hadn't shaved in a few days. Worst of all, Addison thought, was the haunted look in his eyes, and the fact that they were bloodshot, as if he had been crying a lot, and hadn't gotten enough sleep. "Derek, I know now isn't a good time to pry, and are you okay?"

"I look about as good as you do," Derek said, and they both laughed a little, both sensing the truth in the statement. After a moment of silence, Derek looked at Addison. "Addison, I know you want nothing to do with me right now, and I understand that, but I can't continue to go on with you hating me like this. You're my best friend, and I need you there for me. Please, Addie," Derek pleaded, tears once again coming to his eyes.

"I…I just don't know, Derek," Addison whispered, starting to cry again. "Part of me wants to say yes, and the other part of me isn't so sure if it is a good idea. I just don't know, Derek, and I hate not knowing."

"I know," he said softly.

"I need some time to think about it," Addison replied, and looked down at the floor. She was painfully aware that she was still crying, that Meredith always acted more mature than she was acting now, that she was being pathetic.

"I know." Derek looked at Addison, turned around, and walked away. Addison stayed where she was until she heard the door shut, and then burst into fresh tears. She didn't know what to do, she still loved her ex-husband, and she was trying to make a life for herself in Seattle. For a moment, Addison allowed herself to be carried away in her pain, but after a moment she closed her eyes tightly, opened them, and wiped her tears off her face. She wished that she was still in denial—denial was so much less painful—but knew that, if she had the option, she would not really take it. Denial might be less painful, but it didn't allow you to move forward with your life in a meaningful way. Though she wished her pain would go away, pretending that it didn't exist wouldn't do any good in the end. In the end, Addison knew what she had to do was to expose her wound, let it heal, and then keep her scar as a reminder. She knew that the only thing worse than exposing the wound was to ignore it, to pretend that it didn't exist.


	8. Distractions, Distractions

Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's Anatomy.

A/N: Not terribly surprisingly, I am a competitive person. Not competitive in the way my mother wishes, but nonetheless competitive. When writing a fic, you come into contact with all sorts of stupid questions…why do only half of the people continue past chapter one? Do people like my story? Why do others have so many more reviews than I have? I'm not complaining, because I have over 5,200 hits, quite a few reviews, and some very loyal reviewers (thank you!), and, in fact, I've been really lucky to have such a great audience. However, it would still make me extremely happy if more people would review. Oh, and one quick note about this fic…there are some little plot lines that I really want to explore that the TV show explores, only, well, the time line is going to be slightly different on mine, because otherwise none of what I previously wrote works. Also, about this chapter—I know it is a bit Izzie-centric and a bit transitional, but there is a reason that I did it this way. There are two conversations that I really want to happen that make absolutely no sense without this chapter.

**Distractions, Distractions**

"Are you okay?" a voice asked, causing Addison to jump. She was sitting on the couch, huddled in a blanket, her knees pulled up to her chest, and her head in her hands. Her book lay on the floor, forgotten, from where she had put it the night before. "I heard some noises last night and…yeah. Are you okay?"

"You don't want to get mixed up in my problems," Addison informed Callie, her voice dry and emotionless. "You've only lived here for, what, three days?"

"Four."

"Well, you don't want to get involved with my problems, not now, not ever. You have problems of your own, and you don't need mine as well." Addison pulled her face up from her arms to look at Callie. Her eyes were bloodshot, but there were no tears left in the, and, aside from the overall look of sadness, Addison physically looked the same.

"Yeah, well I think your problems are a bit bigger than mine now," Callie said dryly, before deciding to not press the subject. "Hey, do you have work today?"

"No work," Addison replied, before it suddenly hit her. "How much did you hear?" she demanded, as she made space on the couch for Callie. This was why she didn't have roommates, Addison thought. Roommates get involved in things that you don't want them to get involved in, they hear things you don't want them to hear, and then they act all concerned when all you want is some peace and quiet. When Callie shrugged, Addison asked again. "How much did you hear?"

Callie sat down on the couch, and shifted uncomfortably. "Most of it, I think," she admitted. "I wasn't eavesdropping, exactly, it's just that you two were kind of loud, and you could kind of hear it from upstairs."

Addison sighed loudly. "And you didn't try not to hear it, did you?" she asked, annoyed. She hoped that her annoyance would cover some of her other emotions. Addison did not want anybody to know how messed up she really was, and she had always been like that. Even in medical school, when she had gotten mono, Addison told people that she had just had a fever that she couldn't shake and had gone back to class the second she was not contagious. Addison could even recall times in high school where she had claimed to have "skipped school" or "convinced her parents that she was sick when she wasn't," when in actuality she had been sick, or otherwise unable to attend. She simply did not want anybody to know that she wasn't always okay, wasn't always on top of things. And, what's more, she was terrified of being pitied.

"If it makes you feel any better, the second I realized what you were talking about, I wished I hadn't heard anything, and I started listening to my I-Pod," Callie offered.

It didn't help Addison much. "Great. Just great," she muttered. Callie, though normally quite talkative, sat with Addison in silence.

Finally Callie got up from the couch. "I have work today, and I need to finish getting ready," she told Addison regretfully. "You'll be okay?" Addison nodded, and Callie left to get something for breakfast before she left for the hospital. As she walked past the living room on her way to the door, she heard a cry of from Addison.

"Wait! I'm going to work…can you drive me? I'll be ready really soon." Though the last thing Callie wanted was to be was late, she agreed since Addison was her friend, and since Addison was clearly going through a hard period of time. Once Addison was ready, Callie did, however, have to ask why she was going to work today when she had the day off.

"I don't," was the response, "Have the day off, I mean. I was going to call in sick, but the thought of hanging around and moping wasn't terribly appealing, so I'm going. Just…don't tell people what you heard, okay?" Addison begged.

"I don't talk about my friends behind their back," Callie informed Addison seriously.

Addison smiled sadly. "Yeah, I know," she said.

Callie started the car, and they drove in silence. "You know, I'm here for you," Callie said eventually, unsure of what else to say. Addison looked at Callie, confused. "When you want to talk, when you're ready, I'm here for you," Callie clarified, as she received a half-hearted attempt at a smile from Addison, and a few muttered words of thanks.

Once they reached the hospital, Callie and Addison went their separate ways. As she always did in the mornings, Addison went to check on the NICU, where, half to her annoyance, her patients were still doing well. Annoyed that, as of this moment, all she was doing was one C-section much later in the day, Addison went to find Bailey, which didn't take her long. Addison walked up to Bailey, and leaned against the wall that Miranda was standing next to. "Hey," Addison greeted Miranda.

Miranda looked at her as if to ask why she was bothering her right now. "All of my patients are healthy!" Addison exclaimed. "I know, it's terribly selfish, but it's been a really quiet week for me, and I need a surgery now."

Bailey raised her eyebrows and regarded Addison quizzically. "Normally you're supposed to be happy when your patients are doing well…"

"Yeah, well, I need a distraction, and one that isn't just another C-section. Don't get me wrong, they're great and all, but I need something really difficult and time consuming to do right now." Addison closed her eyes, and breathed deeply.

"Addison, what did your ex-husband do?" Bailey demanded. Though her voice was stern, Bailey was worried. She knew it would be bad if Derek had figured out Addison's address and, from the way Addison was acting, she figured that Derek had figured it out.

"Nothing. I'm fine," Addison responded too quickly for her to actually be fine. "Can I assist you with one of your surgeries? Any one, I don't care which. I know it isn't my specialty, but I'm at least as good as an intern, and I really, _really_ need something to do."

"I won't let anybody as distracted as you are, even if they are an attending, into any of my surgeries," Bailey informed her.

Addison hated to play this card, but she was desperate. "Miranda, I outrank you!"

Bailey sighed and looked at Addison. "And if I thought it would do you any good to ignore your problems and assist me with a surgery, I'd let you. But, leaving aside the fact that your specialties are not the type of surgeries I'm doing today, you're distracted, and not fit to be doing surgery today." She hated to see her friend like this—Addison was normally collected to the extent that it was occasionally painful to be around her. Desperate, distracted, tearful Addison was a sight that Miranda had not seen since Addison's trip to New York, and had hoped to never have to see again.

"Fine!" Addison exclaimed angrily, and, aware that she was being moody and unprofessional, turned around and walked away, muttering under her breath. Though she had bigger problems, at the moment all Addison wanted was to scrub in on a surgery before the evening. Derek would let her in on a surgery, but she wasn't going anywhere near him; she didn't want to impose on Preston, and she didn't want Callie to see her begging for a distraction.

Desperate, she went to Richard's office. For the first time that day, Addison had luck on her side, and Richard was not in a meeting. Entering his office, Addison noted that there was still a pillow, the type taken from a bed, on the couch, as well as a blanket, expertly folded, on the other side of the couch.

"Addison," Richard acknowledged her, "How can I help you?"

"I need a surgery," Addison admitted sheepishly, as she absently picked up a picture on Richard's desk and examined it.

Richard looked her over, one of the few people in the hospital able to make out the circles below her eyes that were, expertly, covered by makeup. "Addie," he said, his voice kind but concerned, "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm good, I just need a surgery." Addison frowned, hoping that it wasn't as obvious to everybody as it was to Richard, Miranda and Callie how tired and upset she was. "Please, Richard, I really need this, and I don't have any surgeries scheduled until late this afternoon, and even that is routine."

"Addie, is there anything you want to talk about?" he asked. Addison was the closest he had to a daughter, and he cared for her. He had known her since she was an intern, and somehow their friendship had evolved into something more than that of a student and teacher.

"Seriously, I'm good…I just really need a surgery." Addison pushed a stray strand of hair behind her ear, and looked at the Chief pleadingly.

The Chief put his hand on Addison's. "Is a surgery really going to help you? Or is it just going to act as a distraction from what is really the matter?" he questioned. "You look like you could use some sleep…" he began, but Addison cut him off with a pointed glance at the pillow and blanket on the couch.

"Have you talked to Adele recently?" Addison asked. When Richard shook his head, she continued. "Are your surgeries today just going to act as a distraction from your personal problems?" Richard looked down at his desk and took his hand off Addison's, his eyes expressing his sadness, though the rest of his face did not. Realizing suddenly what she had said, Addison gasped. "I'm sorry…I really shouldn't have said that…I'm really sorry. I don't know what I was thinking," she rambled.

With a loud sigh, similar to that of a father who had just lost an argument, Richard spoke. "You can scrub in to my ten o'clock surgery," he said, defeated, without looking up from his desk.

"Thank you," Addison exclaimed, immensely relieved, though simultaneously embarrassed that she had spoken to Richard like that. "Just…thank you." She turned to leave the office, only pausing quickly to look back at Richard, who was still staring at his desk in much the same way that Addison had stared at the full glass of beer over a month ago.

Addison went to find Bailey, who she figured would still be doing rounds with her interns. She had just arrived on the surgical floor, when she practically ran into Izzie, who was walking backwards while talking to Karev. "Ah, Stevens, I was just looking for you," Addison said, as Izzie spun around to face Addison.

"Why?" Izzie asked, confused.

"I'm going to be scrubbing into Richard's surgery, since today is, once again, extremely quiet." Izzie made a face at the mention of another quiet day, one which Addison fully agreed with. "If you want to scrub into somebody else's surgery, you're free to. Right Miranda?" she asked Bailey, who was standing right next to Izzie, a look of displeasure on her face at the mention of Addison scrubbing into another surgery.

"Addison, I am not condoning your behavior," Bailey said angrily. "If you want to act all irresponsible and distracted, that's your own issue, but it isn't my problem. Since your intern, Dr. Stevens, cannot assist me in any surgery because she refuses to deposit a check for 8.7 million dollars, I have no use for her."

Bailey walked away before either Addison or Izzie could protest. Addison and Izzie stood in silence for a moment, both staring at where Bailey had been. "I'm sure I can find you another surgery to scrub in on, or you can scrub into the Chief's surgery with me at ten," Addison offered eventually.

"I'm sorry, Addison, do you think I could take the rest of the day off? I'll be back in time for your C-section, I think."

Addison looked at Izzie, stunned. Izzie never asked for anything like this, in part because she was on probation, in part because she wanted to prove to the world that she was at least as good as all of the other interns, and, in part, because, like many other surgeons, she wanted more experience. What stunned Addison the most, however, was that Izzie had called her by her first name. Though they had spent so much time together recently, Izzie had always called her 'Dr. Montgomery' and Addison had always called Izzie either 'Dr. Stevens' or 'Stevens.' They were both aware that they could call each other by their first names if they wanted to, but they had never actually done it.

"Uh, yeah, I guess, though officially you have to ask the Chief for permission," Addison said after a moment of shocked silence.

"The Chief?" Izzie asked fearfully. Though Izzie had no reason to be afraid of the Chief, she didn't want anybody to know what she planned to do until she had proven that she could do it successfully. Izzie closed her eyes for a moment, as if contemplating what to do, before she spoke again. "I have to do this now, or I won't be able to do it later, and I can't take it up with the Chief because I'm not sure if I'll be able to do it."

Though unsure about what Izzie was talking about, Addison knew that Izzie wouldn't be asking for this unless she really needed it. "All right…" Addison hesitated over what to call Dr. Stevens, but eventually settled on, "Izzie." Hoping that she had made the correct decision, Addison continued, "I'll cover for you, but hurry."

"Thank you!" Izzie whispered, on the verge of hugging Addison. Quickly, before she could talk herself out of doing what she knew was correct, Izzie turned around and walked quickly to the elevator. Wondering what this was all about, Addison shrugged. Aware that she didn't have much time before Richard's surgery, Addison went to change into her scrubs.

The morning passed quickly; the surgery was successful, and proved to be a great distraction. After the successful surgery, Addison went and had a late lunch, and then filled out some paperwork. Once the paperwork was done, she went to watch Mark's surgery. Unfortunately, the first thing Addison saw upon entering the gallery was Meredith and Derek kissing. Addison fled before they even saw her, her pulse racing. On the verge of tears, Addison half ran to the nearest place with nobody in it she could find—the supply closet.

Addison opened the door to the supply closet, stepped in, and closed the door, three actions which were (remarkably) preformed with her eyes closed. Tears silently streaming down her face, it wasn't until she opened her eyes that she saw she was not alone. "Crap," she exclaimed vehemently, as she saw through teary eyes Izzie. Izzie was in about the same state that she was in, if not worse.

For a second Addison considered opening the door and leaving, but she couldn't leave the room in this condition. Besides, it would make things even more awkward between her and her intern. Instead, Addison slid down the door until she was sitting across from Izzie. Both tried desperately to calm themselves in the presence of the other, and both were not very successful. Addison once again wiped her face of tears, as did Izzie. "You okay?" she croaked.

"No," was the response, "You?"

"No, but I will be," Addison said, stifling a sob, and once again wiping her eyes.

"Me too," Izzie replied. They sat there in silence for a moment until both were calm. Once they had both stopped crying and were frantically trying to make themselves look presentable again, Izzie spoke. "I deposited the check," she said, her voice deadpan.

Addison looked up, intrigued, but decided to not ask any questions. Honestly, she was relieved that Izzie had done it—it made her nervous just to think about an 8.7 million dollar check on somebody's refrigerator. Instead Addison offered her own story. "Derek told me he loved me." Now it was Izzie's turn to look up. When Izzie gave her a confused look, Addison explained. "He came to my house last night, and he told me he still loved me. I told him to stay with Meredith, and that we were over for good. Then today I see him and Meredith, and I…I don't know what happened, I just lost it."

Unsure of what to say, Izzie gave Addison a sympathetic look. Embarrassed, both looked away—this type of thing didn't happen to Addison Montgomery. Addison could only think that her life couldn't get any worse—she was divorced, alone, a teary mess, and now an intern knew she wasn't okay. Though Addison knew she was in a very uncomfortable position, she couldn't help but be somewhat comforted by Izzie's presence…it was probably the same reason patients felt comfortable around her, Addison mused. "I don't do this often," Addison said as she stood up.

"Me neither," Izzie responded, and stood up. "This didn't happen."

"Good," Addison replied. With a slight flourish, Addison opened the door to the supply closet, and both women walked out. A nurse turned around when she heard the door opened, and stared at Addison and Izzie with wide eyes, her mouth slightly open in astonishment. Quickly she turned in the opposite direction, probably to tell her friends, Addison thought.

"I can only think what they are going to make of this," Izzie laughed. "They probably won't get the truth, that we're both messed up, which is good. Instead you'll probably end up as my secret lover, or something." Addison laughed bitterly at Izzie's statement, overly aware of how true this statement was. At the hospital, reason seemed to fall away when there was a chance of pairing two people up together.

"Ugh," Addison said, groaning at the rumors she knew were spreading like wildfire right this moment. "Go prep Susan Patterson for surgery, and I'll meet you in the OR."

Izzie nodded and turned around, but Addison remembered something. "Did you remember to get your psychiatrist to clear you for surgery?" Addison asked, causing Izzie to spin around. Izzie shook her head, and Addison changed her plans. "I'll prep Mrs. Patterson for surgery, you go find your psychiatrist, wherever he is, and make them clear you. Then go find Richard and give him the note, and get him to write me something saying that you actually were cleared." Izzie nodded, and Addison went to prep Mrs. Patterson.

Right before she entered the scrub room, Izzie caught up with Addison and presented her with an official note from the Chief saying that she was emotionally ready for surgery, or something. Addison nodded, and began to scrub down. Once she entered the OR and put on her gloves, she glanced at Stevens, who remained in her normal place towards the back of the room.

"Stevens, how many C-sections have you watched me perform?" Addison questioned.

"I don't know…thirty?" Izzie responded, confused, and Addison snorted.

"Thirty? Seriously? Try at least fifty…not to mention those you saw me perform before your probation. Do you think that you are ready to perform this surgery alone?" Okay, Addison knew she was being a bit drastic, but she was fed up with the way everybody treated Dr. Stevens. When Addison had messed up, people had been supportive of her every step of the way. When Izzie messed up, people initially pitied her, and then begged her to rejoin as a surgical intern—Addison understood and supported these actions. What infuriated her was that, once Stevens had been readmitted as a surgical intern, nobody had let her do anything. Literally nothing. Addison was having one of those days where everything seemed to happen in extremes—why not to Izzie as well?

"I…I can't," Izzie said, remarkably composed. "I just got permission to assist in surgery again, and I haven't done anything but the occasional suture for months now."

"You're ready," Addison said simply, and she believed it. The anesthesiologist glared at Addison, clearly upset with Addison's decision, and clearly about to question her authority. Though Addison could be kind and understanding, she was not going to have anybody _ever_ question her authority in her OR. "If you have any problems, Dr. Carey, you can take it up with the Chief later," Addison informed the man.

Dr. Carey glared at Addison, and muttered under his breath, "I'll definitely be keeping that in mind." Addison resisted the urge to glare at him—had he not been a good anesthesiologist, Addison would have demanded that she never work with him. Simply put, they did not get along.

Izzie shifted her weight from foot to foot, struggling with herself. "He's right, Dr. Montgomery, I shouldn't do this."

Losing patience, Addison spoke harshly but quietly so that Mrs. Patterson would not be able to hear, her eyebrows raised. "Dr. Stevens, do you not trust my judgment? Do you not believe that I am competent to make these sorts of decisions?"

"No!" Izzie exclaimed.

"Then there is no issue here. Besides, I would have thought that you'd jump on an opportunity of this sort. Not many interns get to perform a C-section alone; most just assist."

Suddenly Izzie found herself smiling broadly. "You're seriously going to let me do this?" Addison smiled and nodded. "Thanks!" she exclaimed. Izzie put on gloves, and Addison walked Izzie through the surgery. At the end of the surgery, which Addison let Izzie perform completely on her own since there were no complications, Addison and Izzie both left feeling deeply satisfied. Ironically, Addison felt as if she had performed a much harder surgery that she had in a long time, though she didn't actually touch a scalpel the whole surgery. She had forgotten just how difficult it was to walk somebody who had never performed the procedure before through the surgery, even when it was something as routine as a C-section.

When Addison got home, she went through a stack of papers on her desk, searching until she found the particular scrap she was looking for. "I am over Derek, completely over," Addison reminded herself aloud, as she dialed the number on the slip of paper. The phone rang a few times, but then Addison heard a pleasant male voice on the other end. "Hi, uh, Steven, this is Addison," Addison began, quickly losing her nervousness. "We met at that hospital function about a week ago, and you gave me your number. Are you still up for dinner sometime soon?"

Addison and Steven talked for a few minutes, at the end of which Addison was smiling broadly. "Great, see you then," she said, before she hung up the phone. For the first time since her divorce, she was going on a real date (she still believed her dinner with Mark didn't count). "I _am_ good," Addison informed an invisible crowd of people who had somehow insisted that she needed to take time to deal with her problems.


	9. We All Cope In Different Ways

Disclaimer: Grey's Anatomy is still not mine…

A/N: Sorry it took so long to update. I've just had a lot going on in my life recently, though that's not really that great of an excuse. This chapter did not turn out as well as I had hoped, and then somehow ended up as being filler for the next chapter, in which I can promise an Addek moment. I really hope chapters like this won't continue to happen because, if it does, I'm not sure how I'll be able to continue the story. However, since I'm still in love with addek and because I need to prove to myself that I can finish a longer story, this story will be finished. Besides, despite the varying quality of the chapters, I'm really enjoying writing this fic, more than I've enjoyed writing any other fic I've ever written. It's no coincidence that the chapters keep growing. And, just so that I don't have to rant again, please, please, _please_ review. If I could get 10 or more reviews on this chapter, I'd be the happiest person alive…

**We All Cope In Different Ways**

Addison walked out of the OR, having just performed a difficult surgery. There had been a scare, and Addison had been afraid for a moment that the premature baby she was operating on wouldn't make it, but it had been resolved, and the baby had survived. The baby still had recovery, but Addison was happy that she had done everything in her capacity to help the little girl. Addison felt happy, or at least felt something akin to happiness. She had been on several dates with Steven, who had proved to be kind, charming, sensitive, and exactly what Addison needed. She had performed several difficult surgeries during her current shift, all of which had been successes. She had helped other people, and she was happy.

Smiling to herself, Addison went to get some coffee. Coffee in hand, Addison sat down next to Callie at a table. Callie smiled quickly at Addison, before resuming her occupation of staring at the table where George and a few other interns sat. After a moment Addison sighed, causing Callie to look over at Addison.

"Callie Torres, this is starting to get ridiculous!" Addison exclaimed, attempting to be irritated, but failing. She had become quite good friends with Callie, which she supposed was inevitable since they lived in the same house, and found it hard to get mad at Callie. Especially when she was happy, which she seemed to be much more frequently since she had started dating Steven.

"What?" Callie asked, unsure of what Addison was talking about.

Addison gestured to where George was sitting, and Callie blushed slightly. "You're staring again."

"I was _not_ staring!" Callie began defensively, but was stopped when Addison looked at her sideways. "Was I?" she questioned meekly. Addison nodded. "Was it that obvious?" Callie asked.

Once again, Addison nodded. "Yeah," she said. Callie took one last glance at George, before began to gaze fixedly at the table. "You know, you don't have to go on like this forever," Addison reminded Callie. "You could talk to him."

"I can't." Callie spoke softly, her voice sounding pained. "I want to, but I can't. He's happy now…look at him, Addison, he's happy. Right after his father died, he looked like he'd never be happy again. Now…now he's doing well, and I don't want to hurt him by doing anything stupid. So, I really do want to talk to him, but I can't."

"That's stupid," Addison informed Callie.

Callie glared at Addison. "Speak for yourself," she muttered, and resumed her occupation of staring at the table.

Addison closed her eyes for a second, as memories from New York flooded back to her. After a moment they were banished, but she had lost some of her former happiness, and she was left with the lingering sensation of longing and loss. "I am," Addison whispered. "I am speaking for myself. I'm speaking as somebody who…somebody who made a similar mistake to the one you are making now. Not exactly the same—mine didn't involve death—but similar.

"In New York, I knew that Derek and I were not okay, that we were drifting apart. I knew it, and I knew at a point where it still would have been fixable, but I was stupid, and I was scared. I didn't want to get hurt, and I didn't want to hurt Derek. It was easier to just leave things the way they were, and to simply hope that our problems would somehow resolve themselves. They don't resolve themselves, Callie."

Callie looked at Addison, saw the pain that Addison was experiencing in Addison's eyes, and felt responsible. Had she not gotten carried away in her own problems, her friend would probably still be happy. Callie was proud of how well Addison seemed to be doing recently, how well she was moving on. Steven had been a big step for Addison, and Callie knew that he was helping to heal her in ways that Callie could not. "I'm sorry," Callie said softly, looking up from the table and at her friend.

"Yeah, me too," Addison replied, a single tear escaping from her right eye. Addison quickly wiped it away and pretended that it had not been there, but both she and Callie knew the truth. The two friends sat in silence for a few minutes, both lost in their own thoughts. Finally, Addison said softly, "Callie, you don't have to make my mistake." As an afterthought, Addison added, "Wow…that sounded really cliché."

Silence ensued. "Maybe I'll do it. Maybe I'll talk to him," Callie said.

Addison smiled sadly. "It's your decision. You know, it's normally not a good idea to take love advice from a divorced person," Addison attempted to joke. She succeeded, however, of simply reminding herself that she was divorced. Addison was reminded of a _Friends_ episode she had once watched with Savvy in which Ross had made a comment about not being the only person who liked fossils, and Rachel had responded that by saying that, all Ross succeeded in doing was to remind people that he liked them.

"Yeah, well, I'll risk it," Callie said dryly. Impulsively Callie stood up, picked up her coffee, and walked to George's table. Though Addison could not hear what Callie said, she saw George look puzzled, and Callie look apprehensive. After a moment, George smiled at Callie, and excused himself from his friends. Addison watched them walk off, unaware that somebody was now standing next to her.

"You have _got_ to stop doing that!" a voice exclaimed suddenly, causing Addison to jump. Turning around quickly, Addison saw that it was only Miranda, and she slumped back into her chair. Miranda took the chair where Callie had been sitting, and glared at Addison. While a glare from Callie was not in the least bit scary, when Miranda glared, Addison couldn't help but want to flee.

"Stop doing what?" Addison demanded. "I did nothing! Except for three successful surgeries today, but I assume you aren't referring to those."

"Addison, you become overly involved in the problems of others. You take the problems of other people, and you make them your problems. You can't fix your own problems, so you fix theirs—it's infinitely easier, and it makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside. But, most importantly, it makes you feel like you are in control and gives you a distraction."

Whatever Addison had been expecting Bailey to say, this was not it. "Are you kidding?" Addison asked incredulously. Addison knew that she had been perhaps slightly more involved with the personal problems of her colleagues lately, but it was nothing nearly as drastic as Miranda was making it out to be. Furthermore, Addison helped people because it was the right thing to do, not because it made her feel empowered.

"I have tried to be supportive for months now, Addison, months! Ever since you asked for Izzie Stevens to be put on your service, though nobody else approved, though you weren't really allowed, I tried to be supportive. I figured you were just doing the right thing. And then you let Izzie perform her first surgery since probation—a surgery which most interns do _not_ perform alone. Then there was Karen from accounting, and—"

"I don't even speak to Karen!" Addison exclaimed, though she wasn't exactly sure where this whole rant from Bailey was leading. Normally Bailey was a lot more concise than she seemed to be being now.

Bailey raised her eyebrows. "If you never spoke to Karen, then how is it that you got her and her boyfriend back together?" Bailey demanded, her voice sickeningly sweet.

"Okay, so maybe I spoke to her once," Addison admitted. "But it isn't like I'm going on some sort of crusade to fix the problems of others. Give it a rest, Miranda. I'm moving on, and since I'm no longer sitting around contemplating what a crappy life I have, I have time to help others."

"Lily, Rachael, Ted and Sarah from financial; of the nurses we have Martha, Lauren, Terri, Nancy, syph-nurse Olivia, and Joan; Thomas, James, and Ellen the lawyers," Bailey listed. "Not to mention practically everybody in pediatrics, obstetrics, gynecology, and any service relating even slightly to neonatal care. And now we can add Callie to that list."

Addison tilted her head, counting the people as Miranda listed them, and trying to figure out how she had somehow fixed a personal problem of theirs. To her horror, Addison found that she could. "Was it really that many?" she asked, horrified.

"Yes."

"Wow," Addison exclaimed, impressed with herself, before she remembered that she was supposed to be defending herself. "So, I like to help people. There's nothing wrong with that. We all do—we're doctors, after all."

"Helping people is great and all," Bailey said dismissively, "But this isn't healthy! You're like an older version of Stevens!" Addison had to laugh at this, able to recognize the truth in that comment.

"Normally people say she's like a younger version of me," Addison pointed out.

Bailey put her hand on Addison's hand. "I say this because I care. I was supportive of this behavior at first, because it _is_ good to help people, and because you need people to support you right now. But sometimes being supportive means telling somebody that what they are doing is wrong. You have a boyfriend now, and a house, and you're really recovering remarkably well. I'm just saying that this behavior is not helping you."

"But it is," Addison said, trying to comprehend what Bailey was getting at. "As you say, I have a boyfriend, and a house, and friends, and a life now."

"Which is really quite remarkable, given how much time you spend arranging dates for others, getting other couples back together, and helping people who are practically strangers to cope with the loss of loved ones. You spend all of your time helping others, or going on dates with your boyfriend, Steven. Sure you're happy, but for how long can you go on like this? Sometimes you have to focus on yourself, even if it is painful; sometimes we all have to be reminded to slow down."

Addison broke eye contact with Bailey, and looked around the room—anywhere but at Miranda. "Please," she said, "Just leave me alone for a bit."

Standing up from the chair, Bailey turned to leave. "Think about what I said, Addison," she said, as a farewell of sorts. Once she was gone, Addison sat at the table alone for a few minutes, but soon decided to go find some way to occupy herself. She briefly thought about finding Nancy, a neonatal surgical resident who she had heard was coping with a difficult breakup, but, determined to prove Miranda wrong, she decided she'd do something else. She was sure that the pit would love her help—the pit was always short staffed. Besides, maybe she could find another interesting case there.

Addison put on her scrubs, and then went to the pit. A lot of people looked surprised to see her volunteering her time in the pit, but they were grateful for the help, so they didn't say anything rude. Addison did sutures for a few hours and, though the work was dull, it gave her pleasure to talk to those she was suturing.

Suddenly, from where she was just finishing stitching up the knee of a teenager who had fallen off her bike, Addison heard somebody shout her name. "I'm sorry," Addison excused herself, "I'll be back in just a minute." At a half run, Addison went to see why she had heard her name called.

"Karev, what, you couldn't page?" she demanded, once she had figured out that it was Alex who had called her.

Alex shrugged. "Well, since you were just in the next room over, I figured that you could hear if I called." Pointing to a thin teenager with dark hair and pale skin on the gurney he was standing next to, Alex began to explain. "Madeline Pierce, sixteen, experienced a grand maul seizure during school, then passed out."

"Why did you call me?" Addison asked. From what she knew so far, this was a case for neurology, which was not her specialty, though, having been married to a brain surgeon for eleven years, she did know more than her fair share of the subject.

Alex shrugged. "I don't know," he said honestly. "Though there is nothing on her records to explain why, Miss Pierce was most adamant that she speak with somebody in your line of work."

"Miss Pierce—" Addison began, but was cut off.

"Madeline," she said. "Miss Pierce makes me sound _way_ too old." Addison had to grin at this statement—she had felt the same way when she was younger.

"Madeline," Addison corrected herself, "why did you need to speak with me?"

The patient looked at Addison, as if deciding if she was a trust-worthy sort. Deciding that Addison could be trusted, she whispered, "I'm pregnant." Addison glanced down at the girl's stomach, trying to guess how far along in her pregnancy the teenager was, but Madeline didn't need to be asked. "I'm five months pregnant, and the father doesn't care. My parents don't know…please don't tell my parents!" she exclaimed, and suddenly the teenager blacked out.

Addison swore. "Take her to the surgical floor, and page Derek Shepherd!" she told a nurse urgently, as she checked the girl's pulse, and was relieved to find that it was strong and steady. Karev pushed the girl towards the elevator, as Addison shouted to Alex that she'd find him in a few minutes, she just had to finish stitching up her patient and telling her about what she could and couldn't do when the stitches were still in.

That task was finished quickly enough, and Addison went back upstairs to find Alex and Derek discussing options for the girl. Addison participated briefly, but was relieved when Derek told Alex to go run some tests. She turned to leave, but Derek grabbed her arm. "Since you can't avoid me right now, I've been meaning to ask you…what is this about you and Dr. Stevens in a supply closet together?"

Addison groaned loudly—everybody seemed to have heard about this and, while nobody seriously believed that she and Stevens were a couple, it sure caused a lot of gossip and speculation about what they were doing there. "Are you jealous?" she joked.

"Maybe a little," he responded playfully, and reached to touch her. The touch was not meant in a sexual way, more that of friend to friend, but Addison stepped back quickly.

"Derek…" she said warningly.

"It's been close to a month," he informed her.

Addison looked at him, her face devoid of all emotion. "Two weeks, actually," she said. It wasn't that she didn't have any emotions on this issue; it was just that she didn't want to have to deal with it now.

"Two weeks," Derek agreed. "Two weeks, and you've ignored me. Well, not really ignored me, more like avoided me…anyway, it's been two weeks, and you still haven't answered my question." Derek looked at Addison, who stubbornly looked back at him.

"I'm not ready to answer you, Derek," she said softly. Her voice, no longer emotionless, sounded confused and sad. "I'm sorry." Addison really was sorry—she wanted more than anything else in the world to be friends with Derek. Even if she couldn't love Derek romantically, she could never really stop loving him, and Addison longed for the long conversations they used to have, and the general feeling of ease she felt when he was around.

Derek looked at her sadly. "How long, Addie?" he asked.

"Please, Derek, not now," Addison begged. "You can't rush me." Derek sighed and muttered the he knew he couldn't rush her, and Addison smiled at him gratefully. This was what made dealing with Derek so painful—he knew her so well, and he could be so sensitive and understanding. "I have to go," she told Derek, though it was a lie. She just had to get away from him, because the longer she stayed around him when he was acting so sweet, the more likely she was to do something stupid. Derek nodded, and they parted.

Addison glanced at her watch and saw that her shift was over. Since she was still wearing her scrubs, Addison went to change into her regular clothes, and then to her office to get her purse. As she entered the NICU to look for her glasses, which she couldn't seem to find anywhere, she ran into Izzie. Now that Izzie was allowed to scrub into surgeries, she was no longer exclusively on Addison's service. Despite this, Addison found herself requesting Izzie often because Izzie had talent, and because she enjoyed working with Izzie. Besides, the two had become friends, even if the friendship was a rather odd one.

Izzie stopped Addison. "Hi," Izzie greeted her. "This is going to sound kind of awkward, but…do you want to come to Christmas dinner with us? I mean, I'm cooking dinner, and a lot of people from the hospital are coming. Callie's coming, because George apparently invited her earlier today, and so are Preston, and Derek, and a few others. Even Bailey and her husband are coming, though I was shocked that they accepted my invitation."

Addison couldn't help but snicker. "I'm not," she said. "I went to Thanksgiving at her house, and by the end of the day Miranda declared that she wasn't going to host another party this year, even for Christmas. I'm not sure how many people actually believed her, though."

"If you want to come, though, you're more than welcome," Izzie told her, and Addison smiled. "I know it's kind of short notice, but I only realized how soon Christmas is a few days ago."

Addison frowned, trying to remember what day it was. Eventually she gave up and, defeated, asked Izzie, "How many days is it until Christmas?"

"Six." Addison almost dropped her purse, she was so surprised. Six days until Christmas, and she hadn't bought gifts for anybody. Normally she started planning Christmas preparations out months before—now she couldn't even remember how soon it was. She reasoned that it was because she had been trying so hard to recreate her life that she had forgotten all about it, but in the back of her head, the nagging voice of Miranda reminded her of how busy she had been making herself with other people.

"Um, yeah, I'll be there," Addison said distractedly. It would be awkward, going to Christmas with her ex-husband and his girlfriend, but she had no place else to go and, besides, her best friends from the hospital were going. Suddenly remembering why she was in the NICU in the first place, Addison asked Izzie, "Have you seen my glasses?"

Izzie nodded. "A nurse from the pit found them and gave them to Alex, who forced them on Christina, who gave them to Meredith, who gave them to me. I couldn't find you, so I gave them to George and told him to give them to Callie, since you live with her and all." Addison shook her head at the long list of people, but was glad to know that they had been found and were in safe hands. "By the way, are you really old enough for reading glasses?"

"Thanks," Addison said dryly, refusing to answer that question. Turning to leave, she heard Stevens speak again, so she turned around.

"Have you seen George?" Izzie asked her. "I've been looking for him everywhere…"

Addison shook her head, "No, sorry." Leaving the NICU since she had nothing else to do in there, Addison walked to her car and drove home. She wasn't surprised to see the light on—Callie had the night off as well, and presumably hadn't spent an extra half hour at the hospital looking for her glasses.

Addison opened the door, hung up her coat, threw her purse on a chair (she'd pick it up later), and went upstairs to change out of her work clothes. Wearing jeans and a t-shirt, Addison entered the living room.

What she saw caused Addison to temporarily freeze in shock. Recovering, she made her presence known. "Hello, O'Malley," she said, and both Callie and George spun around from where they were sitting on the couch to stare at her. Callie didn't look too shocked, but George looked practically petrified.

"I hope you don't mind…" Callie said apologetically, but was cut off by Addison.

"Not at all," Addison said. "You do live here, after all."

Recovering, George looked at Callie in confusion. "What is she doing here?" George asked, puzzled. Addison smiled at his ignorance, though she supposed she would have responded not much differently if she was in his position. "Callie, what is she doing here?" he repeated.

"She lives here," Callie said simply.

George still looked confused. "Dr. Montgomery lives with you?" he questioned innocently.

Callie glanced at Addison, but Addison remained silent, and instead let Callie talk. Giving Addison an embarrassed look, she turned back to George. Addison sat down in the chair across from the sofa, picked up a blanket off the floor, and draped it over herself, once again reminding herself to look into getting better heating. "Actually, I live with her," Callie said. George thought about this for a moment, before realizing what Callie meant. Just incase he was still confused, Callie clarified, "It's her house, but it has three bedrooms, and I get one of them."

"Ah, well, Dr. Montgomery, it's a really beautiful house," O'Malley said, trying to recover from his shock. Though he was doing a good job, he seemed slightly scared by her presence, and Addison thought that maybe she would leave soon and give them some privacy.

Addison smiled. "It's 'Addison' when I'm not at the hospital," she told him, and he nodded, trying to return her smile. After a moment of strained silence, Addison stood up to leave, folding the blanket and putting it on the chair. "Well, it's been nice to see you, but I should probably go, um, do something," she finished lamely. She had never been good at making excuses.

"No, it's okay, you can stay," George said quickly. "We were just about to order dinner." At first Addison thought about declining, but he seemed sincere enough, and seeing Callie with George had made her feel especially lonely, so she agreed.

To her surprise, Addison found that she really enjoyed the night. She had missed having friends around, and this was the first time since she had moved to Seattle that she had been in her house with other people. It felt…good, and natural, and unstrained

When George left for the night, Addison told Callie how lucky she was that she and George were back together, to which Callie responded, "I know, believe me, I do." Though happy for her friend, Addison was reminded of the days when she and Derek had been happy like that and, when she was alone in her room, Addison inexplicably found herself in tears. Addison cried silently as she put on her pajamas, and got into bed, unable to stop the tears. At first she thought she was crying because she was alone, but when she thought of all of the people now on her side, both in Seattle and in New York, Addison realized this wasn't the reason. Suddenly Addison knew why she was crying. She was crying because she missed Derek, and because, much like Meredith had tried when Derek had gone back to Addison, no matter how hard she tried to get over him, she couldn't.


	10. No Good Deed Goes Unpunished

Disclaimer: In case you missed it at the top of every other chapter…I do not own Grey's Anatomy. And I also don't own the title of this chapter. "No good deed goes unpunished" is a line in the song "No Good Deed" from Wicked.

A/N: I'm up to 7,400 hits (which is 1000 more than I had before I posted chapter nine), and 50 reviews. Wow! Okay, here goes chapter ten! This chapter was originally one very long chapter, but I broke it down into two more manageable ones. The chapter before was just too long, to the point where the only thing it had tying the events together was the chronology of this fic. I know I promised an addek moment, and there sort of is one, but not really. See, the real addek moment got cut out of this chapter when I split it into two, and is in the other half (which, by the way, is Christmas, incase you couldn't guess). I really, _really_ wanted Richard and Adele to get back together. At first I wrote it that Addison convinced Adele to take Richard back, but it didn't work at all. Upon rereading the chapter, the answer was obvious, really. How could Addison fix yet another couple? I mean, seriously, that is just completely implausible, so, much as it pains me, Richard and Adele are not going to happen. And the later part, with Addison and the rings, well, part of that was supposed to happen towards the end of the story, but somehow Addison wanted part of it to happen now. Oh well. If you are wondering why, despite my many "Addison is going to become happy!" statements, Addison is still sad, it's because, well, I'm sad because my grandfather passed away, and so Addison is sad.

Oh, and I have to admit that I'm proud. I got seven reviews on the last two chapters, which is really quite amazing. I wouldn't be complaining if I got, say, ten or more, however, since I see how many people read each chapter, and how few review.

**No Good Deed Goes Unpunished**

"I pay you to perform surgeries, to save lives, and even to do paperwork, _not_ to order Christmas presents," a loud, commanding voice informed Addison, causing her to jump. Recognizing the voice to be Richard's, Addison only glanced up, before looking back down and circling a wool blanket in a magazine. She muttered something unintelligible into the phone, and Richard waited while she made the person on the phone promise that it would arrive before Christmas, which was now only three days away.

Pushing the hang up button on her blackberry, Addison smiled up at Richard. "Ah, but once you get your present, you'll forgive me," Addison joked. Richard laughed, and Addison knew that she was forgiven—Richard never stayed mad at her for long unless she really deserved it. "I'm spending an absolute fortune to make sure that everything is express mailed so that it will get there in time…Can you believe that I actually forgot about Chrismas, Richard?"

Richard looked at her, slightly in shock. "You…forgot?" he questioned, and Addison nodded. "You always remember Christmas painfully early. I remember when you were an intern and you were constantly reminding people about Christmas celebrations before Thanksgiving! There were times when I think half of the staff in New York wanted to hurt you and Derek for being so enthusiastic."

Addison made a face at Richard, covering any reaction she might have felt at the mention of Derek and her at Christmas. When Addison had been married to Derek, Christmas had been their favorite time of year; it had been _their_ time of year. "Well, this year you have Izzie Stevens to be enthusiastic instead of me," Addison said, shaking her head. "I completely forgot about it this year until she reminded me. Besides," she added bitterly, "It's just a little hard to be in the Christmas spirit at the moment."

Richard nodded in agreement. Ever since his wife had left him, though they were not divorced, Richard had been having trouble imagining the holidays. Adele had always said that he hated coming home for Christmas because it tore him away from his precious hospital, which couldn't function without him there, but in reality that had been far from the truth. Richard loved his job, but he also loved the holidays that he and Adele had shared, and he loved those few moments where they could just be together. "What are you doing for Christmas, Addie?" he asked.

"You'll never guess," she said, smiling slightly. "I'm going to Christmas dinner with Dr. Torres, Bailey and her husband, Burke, a bunch of interns, and my ex-husband. Sounds fun, doesn't it?" Had Addison not looked quite so optimistic about the whole situation, the Chief would have grimaced. Frankly, the whole situation sounded to him like it would be exceedingly uncomfortable for Addison. She didn't wait for him to answer, perhaps because she didn't want to hear his opinion, instead choosing to ask him a question in return. "What are you doing?"

"I'm not sure." Richard shrugged, trying to make it look like it was no big deal, but, just as Addison couldn't fool him when she was upset, he couldn't fool Addison. It was one of those things about knowing each other for so many years that sometimes you loved, and other times you hated.

"Have you spoken to Adele recently?" Addison asked.

"No, no I haven't. I wouldn't want to bother her over something as stupid as Christmas," Richard said. Most of the time Addison knew when the Chief was being serious, but right now, Addison wasn't sure.

Closing her catalogue, with only one call left she needed to make before all of her Christmas shopping was finished, Addison turned to the Chief. "Richard, you have to speak to her at some point," Addison pointed out. "And the holidays…she might be mad at you, furious even, and she might hate you, but if you don't take any actions at all, all you're doing is making it worse. Besides, I'll bet she's lonely for you." Addison said this half out of support, and half because she sincerely believed it. Adele had loved Richard so much that, even when she had known that he was having an affair with Ellis Grey, she had looked the other way, because she couldn't imagine life without him; when he broke up with Ellis, and Ellis subsequently left, it was Adele who had made sure that Richard was okay, and cured him of his drinking problem. Adele loved Richard in much the same way that Addison loved Derek—the only difference was that the relationship between Richard and Adele was still salvageable.

Richard shrugged. "You have work to do," he reminded her. "I can't have my star surgeon slacking off." With that as a dismissal, Richard walked away. Addison thought about calling after him and telling him that he was being stupid, but luckily thought better of it—Richard did not like his authority questioned any more than Addison did. Though she was still determined to be the new, professional Addison who did not spend her time fixing the love lives of others, Addison decided that that resolution would have to take place after one last call.

After she had made her final call, reserving a beautiful blanket which she would pick up after her shift ended, Addison went through her contacts on her blackberry, stopping only when she arrived at the entry for "Adele." Addison dialed the number, spoke briefly to Adele, who was shocked to hear from her, and arranged to go to Adele's house for dinner tonight.

* * *

That night, Addison found herself in Richard's driveway. After a moment of hesitation, Addison rang the doorbell, and was promptly greeted by Adele. "Addison!" Adele exclaimed, leading Addison into the front hallway. "What a pleasure to see you. How are you doing?" 

Addison sighed, hating that inevitable question, and bade her time by thoroughly examining the hallway. It was funny, really, how Richard and Adele's house seemed so much the same as it had when they were together, yet simultaneously so different. It reminded her a bit of when she visited the brownstone in New York. "I'm doing really well, thanks," she answered eventually. "And you?"

Adele took Addison's coat and hung it up, carefully avoiding Addison's eyes. "I'm…okay," she said eventually. "Richard and I are thinking about getting a divorce, as I'm sure that you've heard." Addison had heard the rumors, but hoped that they were not true. She really wanted to believe that Adele and Richard could fix their relationship.

They avoided all topics even remotely personal all throughout dinner. Adele was a very good cook, and when Addison complemented her on her cooking, she regaled Addison with the preparation of all of the dishes. Once they had exhausted the topic of food, they went on to discuss current events, book they had read recently, friends they had heard from, and even the weather. They managed to make it through the whole dinner on those topics, but there was only so much time they could spend discussing the weather before they simply ran out of things to say. "So…" Addison began after a few minutes of pained silence, but was silenced when Adele held up her hand, gesturing to stop.

"Addison, let's not pretend we don't know why you're here any longer," Adele said, her voice kind yet sad. From any other person Addison would have found this announcement rather condescending, but it was Adele, and Addison was unable to be act properly mad, indignant, or surprised.

"Yes," Addison responded simply, and folded her hands in her lap.

"I've heard that, recently, you've taken it as one of your top priorities to fix others."

Addison rolled her eyes—not this discussion again, she thought to herself. "I'm a surgeon, Adele. That's what I do. I fix people."

Adele looked at Addison as if she was disappointed with her. "Addie, I don't mean that way," she said sternly. "I mean the whole getting involved with the love lives of other surgeons and fixing them. I mean going out of your way to track down people in accounting who you barely know to help console them on the loss of a parent."

"You _must_ have been talking to Miranda," Addison replied bitterly. "Besides," she added defensively, "Despite what Miranda says, it wasn't out of my way, and I was going down to accounting anyhow. Nobody will ever believe me, though, because I think I'm one of only a few people in the whole hospital who bothered to figure out where it is, let alone visit the people who work there. I understand what you are getting at, though."

"This isn't fixable, Addison. It isn't possible to fix what you are trying now to fix."

"Are you sure?" Addison wanted Adele to be wrong so badly that it physically hurt. There were two reasons why Addison didn't want their marriage to be over, one reason selfish, and the other not. The one she told other people, the not selfish one, was that she just wanted her friends to be happy again, wanted them to be able to work through their problems. The selfish reason, the one she would barely admit to herself, was that, were Richard and Adele's marriage to fail, one of the things she had relied on to remain constant, to be stable and unchanging despite how messed up she might be, would be gone.

"I've been married to Richard since before you were in college," Adele informed Addison. "I spent my whole marriage waiting. I waited for him to finish medical school, I waited for him to leave Ellis Grey, I waited for him to come home at night, and I waited for him to notice that our relationship was failing. He had so many opportunities, so many, and he took none of them because he didn't notice, and didn't care to try to notice. There are other people out there who can care about me, and pay attention to me, and not always take my presence for granted."

Addison closed her eyes, willing what she knew to be the truth to not be so. She now knew how Derek must have felt the night that he walked in on her and his best friend, Mark, in bed together, the moment of epiphany and happiness in your realization, followed by the immediate hurt. Shutting her eyes tighter, Addison breathed deeply for a few minutes to calm herself down.

Finally, opening her eyes, Addison had to ask although, just as Derek had known she was sleeping with another man, Addison already knew the answer. "How long?" she questioned quietly.

"Close to two years," Adele responded shortly. "I'm asking Richard for a divorce tomorrow—I can't continue this charade any longer, and your presence reassures me of this." Addison stared at her friend in shock. How could Adele do this? Did she not understand how Richard still felt about her? Adele was always so devoted to Richard…only, had it all been a lie? Despite all of those questions, there was one that bugged Addison the most—was it natural that Adele seemed so serene about all of this?

Addison should have known—she knew she should have noticed how distant Adele and Richard had been when she first moved to Seattle. How could she, Addison Shepherd…no, she reminded herself sternly, Addison Montgomery…miss something this important? She knew the answer, and, though she knew it shouldn't, it hurt twice as badly as the knowledge that Richard and Adele were getting divorced.

"Okay," Addison said, rather louder than she had intended.

"Do you hate me?" Adele asked Addison, taking her by surprise.

"No." Fighting the urge to cry, Addison found herself having trouble speaking anything aside from monosyllabic words. Blinking very fast so that she did not cry, Addison continued, "Of course not."

Unable to continue speaking any more for fear of breaking down, Addison sat on her chair, staring at the wall as if nothing were more interesting. Once she had gotten her emotions under control, she looked at Adele. Though Addison didn't say anything, Adele knew. "You still love him, don't you?" she asked.

"I'm dating a wonderful, kind, unmarried man named Steven," Addison answered. Knowing she was avoiding the real question of whether or not she loved Derek, Adele waited a moment incase Addison wanted to volunteer the information. When it became clear that Addison was unable to answer, Adele tactfully said, "How about desert?"

Thinking that this was the best suggestion that Adele had had all night, Addison and Adele went to the kitchen and got apple pie. They resumed their previous occupation of conversations about nothing, and pretty soon it was time for Addison to leave. Addison thanked Adele for a wonderful evening, got in her car, and drove home.

At home, Addison turned on all of the lights in the house, for some reason wanting the house as bright as humanly possible, and then went into her room and closed the door. She put on sweatpants and an old shirt of Derek's that she slept in and hadn't given back when they divorced. When that was done, Addison sat on her bed and stared at her blankets, struggling to really process what she had learned.

Despite her struggles, Addison remained in a state of shock, a state where, blissfully, there were no emotions, no nothing, only her red comforter. She wanted to cry, to just let her emotions out, but she couldn't, which was torment in itself. Suddenly she found herself walking, as if in a trance, to her dresser, opening the top left drawer, and rummaging through it until she found the small box she was looking for. The box which looked like just an ordinary jewelry box, but really it was so much more than just a jewelry box.

Though she knew it was a terrible idea, Addison opened the box slowly and took out two rings—her engagement ring, and her wedding ring. Unable to feel any emotions, Addison stared at the rings, suddenly and shamefully aware that this was longer about Adele and Richard's failed marriage.

* * *

Callie pulled into the driveway of the house she shared with Addison. "The lights are on," George said from the front passenger seat, stating the obvious. 

"Remember, I share my house with Addison?" Callie reminded gently. This was only the second time that George had been to her home, and Callie did not want any mishaps. Not that she expected any—George was really very good about the fact that his girlfriend shared a house with his boss, and the fact that his boss was the woman who had, temporarily, broken one of his best friends.

George snorted. "How can I not remember?" he asked her, but not bitterly. "It was a bit of a shock last time to learn that you live with Dr. Montgomery…er, um, I mean, Addison," George finished. Callie raised her eyebrows at George, who stammered on. "Not a bad shock, just a shock. I mean, wouldn't you be surprised if you found your boss at my house?"

Callie giggled, got out of the car, locked it, and went around to kiss George. "George," she reminded, "I have seen one of my bosses at your house, and yes, it was a shock." Callie thought of the time that, leaving George's room in the early morning to use the bathroom, she had run into McDreamy coming out of Meredith's room. Both of them had been less than optimally dressed, both only wearing underwear. It had been awkward, but they had an unspoken agreement that they would never, ever mention it to anybody.

"Right," George said. How he had forgotten how often he woke up to find McDreamy in the kitchen making breakfast was beyond him. They entered the house together, holding hands, and Callie was amazed by how many lights were on. Callie lead George into the kitchen to make something to drink, preferably hot chocolate, provided they had the ingredients, when it dawned on her exactly how bright the house was.

"I think every single light in the whole house is on!" she exclaimed. "Look at this! Even the light over the counters in the kitchen is on. I never even knew there was a light over the counters in the kitchen! I wonder what caused Addison to turn all of the lights on." George shrugged, just as curious as Callie.

After a few minutes of turning around in circles to look at the kitchen, George finally exclaimed, "Why does it feel as if somebody died?"

Callie poured her finished hot chocolate into two glasses, one for her and one for George, trying to remain carefree, but unable to do anything other than stare at her drink. "I'm sorry, I have to go find Addison," Callie apologized, and George nodded. "I'll just take a minute." Callie practically ran up the stairs and to Addison's room.

The door was shut, but Callie could see that the light was on. "Addison?" she called, knocking on the door. There was no response. "Addison?" she called again, this time louder. There was still no response. Fed up and worried, Callie swung the door open.

What she saw caused her to gasp. Addison was sitting on her bed, a look of complete blankness on her face. She was staring, as if possessed, at two rings, which she was holding as if the whole world depended on their safe keeping. "Are you…are you all right?" Callie asked, but Addison didn't even look up, so she sat on the bed next to Addison. When, after a minute, Addison still did not even acknowledge her presence, Callie got worried.

"Addison, you're scaring me," Callie admitted, her voice trembling. It terrified her to see Addison like this, so blank and emotionless, yet somehow also so hurt and scared. This admission of Callie caused Addison to look up.

"Sorry, Callie, I didn't notice you," Addison said, smiling apologetically.

"Are you okay?" Callie asked.

"I'm good," Addison said. It had become a rehearsed line for her, and it was a practically automatic response.

"I mean it, Addison. Are you okay? You scared me there—I knocked and called your name and talked to you, and you didn't seem to realize that I was here at all."

"I'm just really preoccupied," Addison told Callie sincerely. "Sorry if I worried you."

"It's okay," Callie said, getting off of Addison's bed. "But, listen, if you want to talk, I'm here, okay?" Addison nodded. She was grateful, really, but she wasn't ready to open up to anybody just yet. Callie left the room to report back to George that Addison was weird, but would be fine, and Addison put her rings back safely in their box, stuck it in the back of her dresser, and then picked up the phone and dialed Miranda's number.

A groggy male voice answered the phone. "Hello?" the voice asked.

"Hi Tucker," Addison said in her politest voice, "I'm really sorry to bother you so late, but can I speak to Miranda? It's kind of urgent." Tucker agreed—he was forever indebted to Addison for helping his wife when he was in surgery and there was a code black—and momentarily Miranda was on the phone.

"What was so important that it couldn't wait?" A sleepy, but furious Miranda demanded.

"I had dinner with Adele…" Addison began, but was cut off.

"Oh, Addison, I'm so sorry," the voice of Miranda said over the phone, instantly nicer. "I tried to stop you, I tried to tell you that you were going to hurt yourself, but you wouldn't listen. Are you okay?"

When asked the question of if she was okay, Addison was faced with a choice. She could give her customary answer that she was good, or she could say that she was fine, and would be okay, or she could tell the truth. Addison decided for the latter. "I don't know. I don't feel anything. I'm numb, completely numb, like when they give you Novocain before oral surgery. And she says that she's going to tell him tomorrow, Miranda, tomorrow. She's going to ask for a divorce two days before Christmas. And I understand it, I do, and I'm not mad at her, I can't be mad at Adele, that much I know for sure, but I feel so responsible, and I think that when I start feeling emotions, I'm going to feel terrible for both of them. For their inability to communicate, for their inability to notice what was happening until it was too late. Just like with me and Derek."

Miranda was struck by how emotionless Addison's voice was, despite the long, rambling sentences; rather like Izzie's voice just after Denny had died. "Addison, it's not your fault, and you are not responsible," Miranda reminded Addison, trying to not get too emotional and cry on the phone. When she was tired, anything was possible. Not knowing what else to say, Miranda repeated, "I'm so sorry," before adding, "Do you want me to come over to your house now?"

Addison shook her head as she answered, "No, I'll be fine." There was a long silence, and finally Addison spoke. "I'm going to miss the numbness when it goes away."

"Yeah," Miranda agreed.


	11. Yesterday Came Suddenly

Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's Anatomy. I don't own the title either. "Yesterday came suddenly" is a line from the song "Yesterday" by The Beatles.

A/N: My author's notes are getting out-of-hand long, so this one is going to be short. Please, please, please review, and enjoy the chapter!

**Yesterday Came Suddenly**

It was Christmas morning, and Isobel Stevens sat on the couch in the living room, a cup of coffee in hand. She loved Christmas—growing up it had been practically the only day of the year that her mother had made an effort to act as if she was actually there for Izzie. Now, as an intern, it was one of the only days where all of her friends could get together outside of the hospital for a whole day. A whole day without where they could be normal, where they could be something other than tired, stressed interns, residents, and attendings.

The tree stood proudly in the corner, expertly decorated. Last Christmas her friends had said she had put up too many decorations, so this year there was little else aside from the tree. She didn't mind, though, since the lack of other decorations made the tree somehow more noticeable. Besides, this Christmas was different than last Christmas. This Christmas was more complicated, and somehow since life was more complicated, it seemed nice that the house was less cluttered with decorations. Last Christmas she had been happily in love with Alex; this year she had a dead fiancé.

Izzie smiled as she thought about the holidays. "Denny would have wanted me to be happy," she reminded herself, knowing that it was completely true. Denny wouldn't have wanted her to have forgotten about him, but he would have wanted her to be happy. Anyway, Christmas would be busy, since she had to cook for many people, and she was glad that she had already wrapped her gifts.

Hearing a noise, Izzie turned to look for where the sound was coming from. "Hi guys," she said, greeting Meredith and George. "I'm so glad you're awake—it's almost nine o'clock, and we haven't started preparing yet!" Her friends stared at her incredulously, as if they couldn't believe that she was worrying about the cooking so early in the morning. "I made coffee," she offered.

"Thanks," the muttered in unison, yawning and walking off to the kitchen, returning shortly with mugs of coffee. As an intern, coffee became one of the things that helped you get through the day, and, even when they were not on duty, they felt somehow dependent on it. It was a routine to have coffee in the morning, and they didn't like the few things that stayed constant in their lives to change.

When George and Meredith had sat down, Meredith turned to Izzie. "There are pies and cakes in the kitchen, lots of pies and cakes. Do you think that we really need that many deserts?"

"Well, we're having guests over, and you never know how much they'll eat…" Izzie trailed off. Meredith didn't know how many people were coming, and had automatically assumed that it would just be the interns and their boyfriends or girlfriends. She had meant to tell Meredith, only somehow, with all the rush of putting together a party, she had forgotten. She had remembered this morning, as she made pies, and had been dreading this moment ever since. She wasn't sure how Meredith would take it—last time Izzie had held a party, it had been considerably bigger than the small get-together that Meredith had been expecting.

Meredith looked at Izzie skeptically. "But, Izzie, don't you think that perhaps you went a bit overboard?"

Izzie looked at George for reinforcement, but he stared back at her, and she knew that he wasn't going to help her. He knew how many people were invited, and had reminded her all week to tell Meredith, but she had put it off and now was going to pay for it. "You never know how much people will eat," Izzie said lamely.

"Izzie, how many people did you invite?" Meredith said, her voice deadpan.

"Just a few," Izzie replied, and George snorted. Shooting a glare at George, Izzie looked down at her coffee, as if it was going to tell her what to do. "Um, there's me, you, George, Alex, Christina, Burke, Callie, Derek…"

Meredith raised her eyebrows. "That's all, Izzie?" she asked, her voice good-humored. She had expected that group of people.

"Well, Bailey and her husband and their son are also coming," Izzie added, and George looked relieved. That's when it hit Izzie that even George didn't know who else she had invited. "And, um, perhaps just a few others."

George looked at Izzie questioningly. "Izzie?" he asked, and she looked down, embarrassed. This was not the way she had wanted to start Christmas. Christmas was her favorite day, and if she couldn't be with Denny, she at least wanted to be with the people who were now her family, and she did not want them to be mad at her.

"Addison and, um, possibly (but probably not) the Chief are also coming." There, it was over with. They could now yell at her but, even if they did, she wouldn't feel bad about inviting them. Addison was lonely and sad and had given Izzie hope when she needed somebody to stand up for her. The Chief had too been invited for a similar reason—when she had learned that he was getting divorced, she couldn't bear the thought of him being alone on Christmas. He had declined her offer and told her that he planned to work, but had agreed to stop by if the day was slow.

Meredith stared at Izzie in complete and profound disbelief. "You invited Dr. Montgomery?" she asked slowly. "Like, Derek's ex-wife, Satan? The woman commonly called Satan's whore?" Izzie cringed, and nodded sheepishly. "I'm not mad, I just can't understand why you would do that. Doesn't she have, like, satanic friends she can go visit for Christmas or something?"

"She wasn't doing anything for Christmas, Meredith, and it is the first Christmas since her divorce. Can you imagine spending that all alone?" Izzie didn't want Meredith to be mad at her, but found herself suddenly angered by Meredith's lack of understanding. "She was all alone, and she's hurting, and she didn't have anywhere to go, anybody to spend the holidays with. Would you want that for me? If I didn't have you guys, I'd be all alone. I'd probably spend the whole day crying my eyes out. Do you want that for her? Seriously?" She didn't know how she ended up half shouting, but somehow she did.

George got up and put his arm around Izzie. "Shhhh, Izzie, it's okay," he told her. "We don't mind having her for Christmas, do we, Meredith?" he asked threateningly. Meredith nodded quickly, realizing that this was important to Izzie. Clearly Izzie had somehow connected with Derek's ex-wife, and, if putting up with her for a few hours meant that Izzie would be happy on her favorite holiday, then Meredith would gladly make the sacrifice. For their sake as much as Izzie's, Meredith and George both decided to leave the issue of the Chief alone, and simply prayed that he wouldn't show up.

It took a moment for Izzie to calm down, but then she felt guilty for having shouted. "Sorry," she apologized, "I don't know why I got so worked up." Her friends hurriedly assured her that it was okay, but before they all went upstairs, Meredith had one more question.

"What do you mean by Addison is lonely and hurting? She doesn't seem lonely or hurting at all. I mean, she always acts like everything is just fine." Meredith didn't mean to be nosy, she was genuinely curious. As far as she was about to tell, the divorce had not affected Addison at all. One day she had ran into Addison crying in a supply closet, but that was practically the day after the divorce, and after that there had been no other incidents—in fact, recently Addison had been acting happier than she had been while she was married to Derek. She had assumed that Addison was either hard and heartless, or that she had been glad to get out of that marriage so that she could sleep with Sloan in a good conscience.

Little did Meredith know how far from the truth she was. "Addison acts fine, but in reality is the exact opposite," Izzie informed Meredith, leaving Meredith with something to think about.

Throughout this whole exchange, George had remained silent. He didn't really like gossiping about Addison after he had learned that she had offered Callie a room so that she wouldn't have to live in the hotel any longer. George was no particular fan of Addison, but he thought it seemed somehow wrong to treat her as if she didn't have feelings too. And then there was the incident at her house the other day. Callie had described to him what she had seen upstairs when she went to make sure that Addison was okay, and since then he had felt badly about calling her names. Clearly she too was human.

"Did you guys know that Callie lives with Addison?" George asked.

Izzie nodded. "I knew," she said. Meredith shook her head, clearly stunned. Deciding that they all should get ready, they all went upstairs to get dressed and showered, and soon Izzie had them all enlisted in helping out with the dinner preparations.

It was close to noon when the guests started arriving. Derek arrived first, followed by Christina and Burke. Izzie was glad to see Burke, since she was not that great at actual cooking, and soon Burke had turned the kitchen into an operating room. "This time you had better have alcohol," Christina told Meredith dryly. "I can't watch Burke turn your kitchen into an OR again, not without alcohol." Meredith snickered, but pointed Christina in the correct direction.

By mid afternoon, all of the guests had arrived except for Addison, who had told Callie to leave without her, and that she'd be there in an hour. The truth was that Addison just needed time to think about her first Christmas in over a decade where she was not with Derek. Her family had been overly conscientious, carefully avoiding anything even remotely linked to Derek, which had made the fact that she was divorced more painfully obvious. Her calls to Derek's family wishing them happy holidays had been strained, with the exception of Nancy, who declared that if Addison wasn't going to come to New York for New Years, then she would come to Seattle.

Now, a little over two hours later, Addison stood inside Meredith Grey's house, while Meredith looked at her curiously, as if seeing her in a new light. "Merry Christmas!" Addison exclaimed, trying to act light and cheerful. It wasn't that she wasn't happy, it was just that she felt like she was missing something, like she was empty.

Meredith smiled at Addison, but was saved from having to actually talk to Addison because Bailey and her husband, Tucker, entered, holding their son. Addison held Miranda's son, and began talking with them, while Meredith excused herself and went back to the kitchen, where she was watching Burke in the OR that was now her kitchen. Christina had now had just enough to drink that she was able to find the whole experience amusing, rather than mortifying, and Meredith, with the arrival of her boyfriend's ex-wife, decided that now would be a perfect time to join Christina and drink.

Suddenly the door rang. "I'll get it!" Addison called, glad for an excuse to get away from the crowded living room for a moment. The only reason she wasn't in the kitchen helping with the preparations, which she would rather have done, was because Derek was in the kitchen, and Addison was avoiding Derek.

Addison swung open the door, and stopped, her mouth open wide when she saw who it was. "What are you doing here?" Addison demanded.

"Same thing you are," Mark said charmingly. "I heard there this was the hot place to be, and I decided to stop by…and I brought wine."

"Were you even invited?" Addison demanded, and Mark shook his head. "Go home, Mark," she told him. "Please, Mark, it's not that I don't like you, because really we've been getting along quite well recently, and you've actually been treating your interns better. It's not that, it's just that I can't deal with you being here. Not today, not on Christmas."

Mark looked at Addison sadly. "You and Derek are all the family I have, Addie, even if both of you don't like me anymore. Please, just let me in."

"Sorry, Mark, this isn't my house, and I can't do that," Addison said, feigning sadness. "Please, just go home, or go to Joe's, or go to the hospital. Just not here." Feeling guilty about what she was about to do, Addison closed the door on Mark who, despite the cocky smile on his face, looked genuinely hurt. Addison turned around, and had walked only a few steps before the door rang again.

"Damn it!" Addison exclaimed, and went off to find Meredith. "You have somebody at your door that showed up uninvited, and he won't go," Addison explained to a confused Meredith, and an even more confused Derek who stood next to Meredith, his hands protectively on her.

Meredith shrugged. "Izzie, it's your party, you get to tell the uninvited person to go home." Burke assured Izzie that he could manage in the kitchen without her for a minute, and Izzie, with a shrug, went to the door, trailed closely by Meredith, Addison, and Derek.

"What's going on?" Derek whispered to Addison, who just groaned

"You'll see, and then you'll wish that you hadn't," Addison told him. "I had almost forgotten how pigheaded Mark was!" Derek stared at Addison in horror, and Addison realized what she had said. As Derek muttered under his breath about people who were stubborn and bad people and had slept with every woman in New York and Seattle, and all sorts of other vile things, Addison looked at Derek…really looked at him. He looked happy, and Addison felt a pang of jealousy. Divorce had treated Derek well, while it hadn't treated Addison kindly. She was so absorbed in studying Derek, that it was only when she heard Izzie say, "Fine, you can stay. Come in," that she realized what had just happened.

"What?" Addison and Derek cried simultaneously. "You're letting _him_ stay for Christmas?" Derek demanded, outraged.

"It's Christmas," Izzie explained, "And you can't turn somebody away on Christmas. It's not right, and it is definitely not in the spirit of the whole holiday."

"Neither is showing up uninvited where you are not wanted," Derek muttered, receiving a glare from Izzie, Mark, and Meredith. With a sigh, he stormed from the room, Meredith at his side, leaving Addison alone with Izzie (who quickly excused herself), and Mark. The last thing that Addison could hear before she was alone with Mark was Meredith telling Derek, "We're going to have to try and be supportive of Izzie's decision, since it is her first Christmas with a dead fiancé and all."

Left alone with just Mark, Addison looked at him. "I'm sorry, Mark, really I am. But this is painful for me, being with you on Christmas. It makes me thinks of things that I should have done, and things that I shouldn't have done, and things that could be had life not turned out differently, and past years when you and Derek and I spent Christmas together. When we were all happy, instead of damaged. So, I'm sorry, but since I've made it abundantly clear that I do not want you here, for all intensive purposes, you're dead to me." Addison felt her eyes begin to tear up, and she had to concentrate hard on not crying.

Mark bit his lip, and Addison could see that he too was struggling to not cry. "Can't we just start over, Addie, and be friends? We don't have to be anything more than that, just friends." He loved Addison, but even if she couldn't love him back, he wanted to at least be friendly with her. It was times like this when he cursed his impulsive decision the night he had first slept with Addison.

Addison felt a tear roll down her cheek, and she quickly wiped it away. She wanted to forgive Mark, wanted so badly for things to go back to the way they had been before everything had gotten messed up. But it wasn't possible, and would never be. They could slowly, with time, grow to trust each other again, grow to be friends, but nothing would ever be the same. On a normal day, Addison would have told Mark that they couldn't just 'start over,' but this was Christmas. "Just for this one day, Mark, we'll pretend that we're friends. Just for this one day, because it's Christmas, and because I need something to stay the same, we'll be civil."

They were saved from any more awkward and painful conversations because Izzie called them all to dinner. It was a feast fit for kings, so to speak, and Addison found the evening fun despite herself. Miranda and her husband were friends, and their son was adorable. Callie was able to get into the Christmas spirit almost as much as Izzie was, which Addison found strangely amusing to watch. Christina, having consumed quite a bit of alcohol, was amusing, and told the whole party hysterical stories that Addison was sure that she would regret telling the next morning. Meredith and Derek were in their own little bubble, one that Addison pretended did not exist. Addison was not a person to run away from pain, but she was aware where the line between necessary pain and inflicted pain was drawn, and so she chose to not look at Derek and Meredith. George, Burke, and Izzie all were friendly. The Chief never did show up, though Addison wished for his sake that he had.

During dinner, Addison found herself sitting down next to Alex Karev. Addison had sat down between him and Izzie because she didn't want to disturb the seating of one of the couples, and because she did not want to sit next to Mark, which was the other option. Addison soon found herself talking to Alex, who had an amusing take on the events taking place around them. Izzie seemed to want constant reassurance that Christmas was a success, and Addison was more than happy to give it. She had expected to spend Christmas alone in her hotel room crying, and this was a vast improvement.

At the end of the night, everybody shared gifts. Though she didn't get that many, since hardly anybody knew she was even invited to Christmas, those that she did get were thoughtful. Before it got too late, Addison decided that it was time for her to leave, and she said goodbye, thanking Izzie. Sure, the evening had had more than its share of awkward conversations, particularly between her and Mark, and between her and some of the interns, but it had still been enjoyable. She had even ended up having a nice, civil conversation with Meredith, something which had surprised both of them.

Addison got into her car. She intended on driving home, but somehow found herself at Joe's. With a sigh, she entered the bar, which was scarcely populated, since it was Christmas. "Merry Christmas, Joe," Addison greeted Joe, trying to act happy.

"Hi," Joe greeted her, "How's your Christmas been?"

"Better than expected," Addison admitted. "Can I have water, please?"

Joe gave Addison a look, but returned in a moment with a glass of water. Sensing that she wanted to be left alone, Joe busied himself with the rest of the bar, giving Addison her much needed time to think. Addison didn't know what was wrong with her. She had expected to have a terrible Christmas, and it had actually been okay, but somehow it didn't feel right. She felt empty, and lonely, and she knew she shouldn't.

She felt herself begin to lose control of her emotions, felt her eyes begin to water. It was her first Christmas without Derek in over a decade. She had expected to spend the rest of her life with Derek, and even when their marriage was in trouble, she had hope. Now, she wondered, what was the use of hope?

A man sat down next to her, but she didn't bother to look and see who it was, assuming that it was just some stranger either looking for a one night stand, or unaware that she wanted to be alone. "Addie, are you okay?" the person questioned with a mixture of curiosity and worry in his voice. Addison recognized that voice, and it confused her more.

She turned to face him, angry, and confused, and on the verge of tears. "Do I look okay, Derek?" she spat. He clearly didn't have an answer to that, as he remained silent. After a minute, despite her better judgment, Addison spoke again. "I'm lonely," she whispered.

"Me too," Derek said sadly, and she could tell that he meant it. "Why did we stop trying, Addie? We could have stopped this from happen. We both knew that we were growing apart, that we had become lazy, and successful, and busy. So, why did we stop trying to fix it?" All night Derek had been plagued with this question, and so when Addison left, he decided that he'd take his chances that she had gone to Joe's. He had told Meredith that he had to go, which had left her concerned and worried, and though he felt bad, he needed to be here more than anything else on earth. He had to know.

Addison felt herself begin to cry, though her voice remained steady. "We were afraid, I think," she said. "But it doesn't matter anymore…it's over, it has already happened, and there is no going back."

"No," Derek agreed. Though Addison knew that this answer was the truth, she had been hoping that, despite all reason and all evidence against it, Derek would assure her that they could go back to the way everything was before. Now, that last bit of hope smashed, Addison couldn't do anything but cry. She tried to stop, but she was unable to, and when Derek hugged her, she started crying harder. "It'll be okay, Addie, I know it will," he whispered into her hair.

"But it won't," she sobbed, "And you don't even know the half of it. You have your girlfriend, and she is sweet, and kind, and she cares about you. You ended up with somebody, and I ended up all alone. I lost my husband, and one of my best friends, and I left my friends and family back in New York when I left for Seattle. I'm all alone, Derek, and nobody knows how hurt I am except me…and now you, I guess, which actually just complicates things."

Derek sighed, sensing the truth in what Addison said. "I love you, Addie," he whispered, though he didn't know why. He was happy with Meredith, he loved Meredith even, but it wasn't right. When he was with her he was happy, but he didn't feel complete. It was as if there was something missing that was only complete when Addison was there, a thought which scared the hell out of him.

Addison pulled away from Derek as quickly as she possibly could. "Getting divorced is supposed to mean that you're not able to hurt me like this anymore," she told him, but suddenly she was calm. She didn't know what it was, but Derek's presence was calming. She had tried for months now to stop feeling safe around Derek, but she couldn't stop it. She was in still in love with him, but she was also in denial, aware that the truth could just cause more damage than she had already caused.

"I'm sorry," Derek said, "But I've tried for a while now, and I can't go on with you hating me this way. Please, Addison, you don't have to love me anymore, you just have to even like me, though that would be nice, you just have to be there."

"But, Derek, I do love you, which is the problem," Addison said, her voice barely audible. "I love you, which is why this all pains me so much. You, Derek, do not love me, you just want closure. Perhaps you even want to be friends with me because you don't regret many things about our marriage. You…you just don't, okay?" She didn't know why she was so desperate for Derek to say that he didn't love her, but she was. She wanted him to love her, yet she didn't want him to. It confused her, and she felt unsure of herself.

"Let's just…be civil, then," Derek offered, and Addison nodded.

"And let's pretend that this never happened, this whole conversation," Addison added. "And please, Derek, go find Meredith. She's a good person, and I'm sure she's wondering why her boyfriend ran away from her on Christmas."

Derek suppressed a groan; he was going to have a lot of explaining to do when he got back to Meredith's. "Good point," he said, and they both got up to leave.

"Derek?" Addison said, once they were in the parking lot. "I'm happy." The funny thing was, Addison realized, it was the truth. Half an hour ago she had been in Joe's crying over the loss of the man she loved; twenty minutes ago she had been talking with him about why her marriage had failed, then breaking down in front of him; ten minutes ago she had been confused and upset. And now? Now she was, inexplicably, happy.

He looked at her, confused. "Happy for what?"

"I'm happy for you," she explained. "I'm happy for what you have with Meredith, and I'm happy for what I have with Steven, and I'm happy that we're civil, and…I'm just happy. It's Christmas, Derek, and Christmas is a time to be happy. I love Christmas, did you know that?" Derek shook his head, both of them laughing.

"I did know that," he laughed. They said goodbye, and Derek got in his car to apologize to Meredith, and Addison got in her car to drive home. Both were left with the same question, Addison as she got into bed alone, and Derek as he got into bed with Meredith. Why was it that, after talking, they were both happy? Why was it that they no longer felt empty? And, most importantly, why was it that they were confused about what to do next?


	12. They Say Time Heals Everything

Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy. Once again, I don't own the title, which is a line from the song "Not Ready to Make Nice" by the Dixie Chicks.

A/N: This chapter is shorter and it took me forever to write. I really don't like it that much, and nothing happens, but the conversation between Christina and Addison is slightly amusing, and I really wanted for everybody to know how nice Steven was, so I introduced him. The whole chapter I had to fight my Addek cravings because, no matter how much I tried, they didn't work when I put them in. And, admittedly, Addison is becoming slightly pathetic again. I mean, she's all conflicted and contemplative and she can't act professional even when she wants to because, lets face it, she was actually doing well when she was curing everybody and their brother's problems…it seemed to fit her nicely. Next chapter, though, will be much better, I promise…so please don't give up hope on this fic, and please, please, please review, so that I can be super happy like I have been after posting my most recent chapters! xD

**They Say Time Heals Everything**

The day after Christmas, Addison found herself at Seattle Grace Hospital, working. Unlike in most other professions, doctors can't stop for the holidays, and especially not surgeons. Despite the fact that she was working, and perhaps in part of it, Addison was still happy. "Miranda!" Addison exclaimed, catching up with her friend, "I need an intern."

Miranda looked at her, and demanded, "Why are you so cheerful?" Addison shrugged, and Bailey glared. With a sigh, Bailey decided that she probably did not want to know why Addison was so happy. "Fine, pick your intern," Bailey said.

Addison thought for a moment, but she already knew who she wanted. "Karev," she said, pointing. "Be in OR three at nine o'clock, and explain the risks of the baby's surgery to the parents, in room 1323 before you show up, or you're not scrubbing in." Alex looked at Addison questioningly—she hadn't asked for him since he had gotten off her service months ago.

"You're back on the gynie squad," Christina informed Alex, who glared at her. Addison couldn't understand why people didn't think that neonatal surgery wasn't as important as any other field of surgery, but that seemed to be the common belief. Sloan had been caught telling interns (generally Alex, but not always), more than once, that if they didn't get him his drink or do his laundry, then he would make sure that they ended up on Addison's service. It was moments like those that required Addison to recite Mark's good qualities so that she didn't completely lose it with him. He, too, was trying to fix his life, and so Addison tried to respect that and treat him as civilly as possible. For some reason, however, Addison was in no mood to tolerate this sort of behavior from interns.

With a wry smile, Addison turned to Christina. "Dr. Yang," she said, starting Christina, who almost spilled her coffee on herself as she turned around to face Addison. "You're quite the storyteller," Addison informed Yang, who immediately turned pale. "I heard some very…_interesting_…stories from you last night. I'm sure everybody here would like to hear them too, wouldn't they, Dr. Yang?" Christina shook her head frantically.

"Oh no, Dr. Montgomery, they really weren't that great," Christina said modestly, half panicked. Though she couldn't exactly remember everything that she had said last night, Burke had told her some of the things that she had said, and they were enough for her to almost vow never to drink again.

"Dr. Yang, you underestimate yourself," Addison responded, aware that she was being slightly cruel, and enjoying it. "They were some of the best stories I've heard in years, and I'm sure that those who have not already heard your stories," Addison shot a pointed look at Nurse Debbie, which was enough for Christina to visibly cringe, "would love to hear them. There was one in particular that comes to mind…something about you and Burke in an OR during a night shift a few weeks ago…"

Christina bit her lip, and glared at her friends, all of whom were trying not to laugh. With a smile, Addison turned around and walked away slowly. As she walked away, Addison heard Christina ask her friends, "She wouldn't, would she?" and had heard Izzie respond, "Nah, she won't, she's too nice for that, but seriously, it was_ not_ the best move to call it the gynie squad in front of Dr. Montgomery."

Dr. Karev ran to catch up with Addison. "Dude, that was amazing what you just did," he told Addison, causing her to blush. She hadn't meant to say what she had said, it had just somehow come out. She had resolved just last night to act more professionally, but already, here she was, threatening to tell the nurses stories that an intern had told her at a Christmas party when she was clearly intoxicated.

"Thanks," Addison said after a moment pause, unsure of what else to say.

"You have a mean streak," Alex said, his voice clearly expressing how shocked he was. "I mean, that was something that I would have said, or that Sloan would have said. Though, Sloan would probably have just told the nurses instead of using it as leverage."

Addison grimaced. "Mark wouldn't have told the nurses," she said knowingly, hoping that Alex would not be able to guess that she was speaking from experience. She had told Mark more than one or two embarrassing stories after having had too much to drink and, though he had given her hell about it, he had never actually carried out any one of his numerous threats. "And," added Addison bitterly, "Can you be that surprised that I have a mean streak? I did keep you hostage to my service for months."

"Yes, but still…" Alex began, but he was cut off.

"I'm trying to forget what I just did," Addison informed him, slightly angry, "So it would be nice if you would stop bringing it up."

Alex nodded, surprising Addison. Clearly amused by Addison's surprise, Alex couldn't resist having the last word. "Does it surprise you that I can actually be a decent human being?" he asked, and for a second Addison wondered if he was flirting with her or mocking her. Deciding it didn't matter, Addison told Karev to shut up, and left him standing in the hallway. She went to put on her scrubs, and the surgery proceeded on time. The surgery was a success, which added to Addison's feeling of happiness.

After the surgery, which took several hours, Addison got a coffee and talked with Callie for a while, before her pager went off. Addison hurried off to find the cause of the page. She found Alex and Izzie standing next to a gurney with a young woman. "What's wrong?" Addison asked.

"Patricia Farmer, twenty six, thirty eight weeks pregnant. Ms. Farmer crashed her car because she was driving," Izzie paused and glared at the young woman, clearly furious, "while high on drugs." Addison resisted the urge to hit the woman for being so irresponsible, and instead sighed. This day seemed to be testing her newfound resolution to be professional, keep her personal life out of her work, and to be happy and not emotional.

Addison shook her head. "Stevens, Karev, you know what to do. When the patient is no longer," Addison searched for a more gentile word, but decided that it wasn't worth it, "high, find me. I want to have a long talk with her about responsibility, check that the baby is okay, and somehow convince her to not do drugs again, even if she isn't pregnant."

Izzie looked at Dr. Montgomery. "I'm covering the pit today," she told her, but Addison shook her head.

"Once I am positive that she hasn't done some sort of long-lasting damage to either herself or her unborn child, then you can go back to the pit. Until then, you're my intern. I'll tell Bailey of the change." Izzie smiled gratefully—though officially she was allowed to perform surgery, she spent more time covering the pit than all of the other interns because a lot of the surgeons didn't feel that she was to be completely trusted. Even the surgeons that did trust her seemed to feel that she should perform in fewer surgeries than the other interns, with the exception of Addison and, oddly enough, Mark.

Addison excused herself, found Bailey, and then went up to her office. She sat at her desk, staring blankly at her computer, unable to really concentrate. She wanted to think that it was about her patient, but knew it would be a lie to believe that. She was worried about all of her patients, hopeful that the baby she had operated on earlier would make it through, furious at her newest patient, Patricia Farmer, and anticipating the arrival of new patients. Though she wished that was why she was preoccupied, it wasn't.

Would it be that terrible to admit it, wondered Addison. Would it be the end of the world if she were to just admit that she still had feelings for her ex-husband? She wished it was as simple as simply "no" or "yes", because Addison could work well in extremes. If she were advising anybody else on this, she would tell them to move on, to forget about their ex-husband, and move on with their life. This advice, however, was much easier given than followed, as Addison had found out.

A noise from behind startled her, and she was kind of horrified to find Derek standing behind her. Derek knew her too well, and Addison knew that there was a big chance that he had some idea of what she had been thinking about. "What are you doing here?" she asked him.

"Our patient from a few days ago, the pregnant teenager with the seizures, Madeline Pierce, she is going to need brain surgery." Derek looked at Addison, who seemed to be taking this all in stride.

"That sucks," she said, aware that if she was anybody else, he would ask her if that was her professional opinion on the matter. "I mean, it was expected, but you can't help but hope that somehow whatever the problem is will resolve itself, even if it is much more interesting to do surgery than to watch a healthy patient."

Derek gave her a look of understanding, a look which made Addison want to hug him for being so understanding. He looked at the conflicted expression on her face, and tilted his head slightly as he thought about what the cause of it might be. "I'm happy, Derek," she told him, forcing a smile. "I'm happy, and I'm going to stay happy. I am going to stay happy and professional. And we're friends, or something, which is great, but it's hard to stay professional when you're here."

"Yeah," Derek agreed softly, and reached out to put his hand on her shoulder. Luckily for Addison, before either one of them could do something that they would regret later, Addison's pager went off.

"I have to go," Addison explained hurriedly, standing up and putting on her doctor's coat. "A patient went into labor." She smiled quickly at Derek, and ran to put on her scrubs and get to her patient. She was glad to get away from Derek, the man who complicated everything.

Her patient gave birth successfully, after which Addison had a long talk with Patricia Farmer, her patient from earlier who had been driving while on drugs. Addison tried to get through to the woman, to tell her that drugs were bad, and it was especially irresponsible to use them while pregnant. She tried to get through to the woman that it wasn't just her own life she was ruining, it was also her baby's life, but the woman wouldn't listen. It frustrated Addison to see somebody so stubbornly through their life away, and saddened and enraged her to think about the consequences for the baby.

In a bad mood, Addison ordered Alex and Izzie to speak to her patient, and to, for no reason whatsoever, discharge Ms. Farmer until Addison was sure that she would not engage in any more dangerous behavior. Her shift over, Addison went to get her stuff together, check on Richard, and call Steven to confirm their date for tonight. While she stood, leaning against the wall, on the surgical floor, talking to Steven, Addison noticed that she was being watched. After she had said goodbye, Addison pointed to Christina and motioned for her to come over. Christina pretended not to notice. "Yang!" Addison finally called, and Christina turned around.

Christina walked quickly over to Addison. "Is there something you need, Dr. Montgomery?" Christina questioned politely.

"You were staring," Addison told Yang, who, though she looked embarrassed, refused to break eye contact.

"No, I wasn't," Yang said quickly—too quickly to have been innocent. Receiving a look from Addison, Christina looked around to make sure that nobody was listening to their conversation, before adding quietly, "You wouldn't actually tell people what I said last night, would you?"

Addison sighed, annoyed that nobody would leave her alone. She had said something that she wished she could take back, that had been needlessly cruel, and certainly not professional, and yet that seemed the most threatening thing that she could say at the time. In retrospect, it was a stupid decision but, Addison reflected, she was getting good at making stupid decisions. "No, I wouldn't. I'm sorry I said that," Addison said. Christina looked immensely relieved, but she wasn't off the hook yet. "Was there some other reason you were staring, or was that it?" Addison asked, and Yang shook her head.

"Okay, then," Addison said, excusing herself. She had a date to go to—a date with a person who cared for her and her feelings, a person who wasn't Derek or Mark Sloan. She took a taxi restaurant, and met Steven outside. They went inside and were about to order, when Addison saw two people enter the restaurant that she did not want to see.

Steven sensed that something was not right. "Are you okay?" he asked Addison, who quickly recovered.

"I'm good," she told him, though it was a lie. "It's just that my ex-husband and his girlfriend just came into the restaurant." Addison glanced at Derek, hoping that he had not noticed her, but knowing that this was not the case from the look that Meredith gave Derek. With a quick glance at Addison, who pretended not to notice, Meredith kissed Derek and took his hand as they walked to their seats.

To her horror, Addison found tears forming in her eyes, and she blinked quickly so that they would not fall. Steven put his hand over Addison's, which lay limp on the table, and squeezed it. "It's okay if you want to leave," he told her. "We can get pizza, or something, and eat it at my place." Though it was completely undignified, Addison nodded gratefully, and within minutes they had left the restaurant. Only when they were in Steven's car and out of the sight of unwanted onlookers, Steven asked, "Do you want to talk?"

"It's just been a terrible day," Addison told him, no longer on the verge of tears, and considerably more composed than she had been a few minutes ago. As it often got when she was upset and trying to hide it, her voice seemed slightly emotionless, but somehow sad. "I was happy in the morning, really happy, and then I said something stupid and unprofessional, which I feel terrible about. And then I get a call from a patient who is thirty six, or something, weeks pregnant, and got into a car accident because she was driving while stoned. I tried to talk to her, I did, but she won't listen. But…"

"But that's not why it's been a terrible day," Steven finished, and Addison looked up at him in surprise. "It's okay to think about your ex, Addison, and it's okay to be hurt and upset and confused. You don't have to act like everything is okay all of the time."

Addison smiled in spite of herself. "It's not okay to think about him as much as I do," she said darkly. "And, if you're me, you have to be okay and in control all of the time."

"It's hard to lose somebody," Steven whispered, and Addison looked at him questioningly. "And, before you ask, no, I don't have a dead wife, and I haven't been divorced." They both laughed a little bit, but their laughs were strangled by the overall feeling of sadness in the car. "My sister and I…" Steven trailed off, and Addison was quiet, letting him think. "My sister and I, we don't talk any more. The last time I spoke to her was when our parents died. Then, last year, after having not spoken to each other for more then ten years, I learned from somebody at a function I went to that she's been married for seven years, and has a child. So I called her, because it's long past time that we reconcile, and she won't pick up the phone. No matter how many times I called, she wouldn't pick up, and no matter how many letters I wrote, she won't respond. So, yeah, it's hard losing somebody."

Addison looked at Steven, a mixture of horror and empathy in her eyes. "I'm so sorry," she whispered. "Does the pain ever go away?"

"It never completely goes away, but it gets better," Steven replied slowly.

They sat in silence for a minute, before Steven started the car and suggested that they go to his house and order pizza. Addison agreed to this suggestion readily, so they drove to his house. At the end of the night, when it was time for Addison to leave, she hugged and kissed Steven. "Thank you for everything," Addison told him, and she meant it. The night had been lovely, in spite of the awkward start, and they had been able to really connect. Steven was sweet, caring, loyal, understanding, sympathetic…Steven was everything she needed, and everything she wanted. So, if this was the case, why didn't it feel right? Why didn't it seem natural, the way it had with Derek?

In the car, Addison had time to think. She knew she loved Derek, but she knew that she couldn't put her life on hold forever because of him. She needed to move on, and if only he could act mean and nasty and petty the way he had right after the divorce, she would be able to do it. But now Derek was acting kind towards her, and acting like he cared about her. They had talked, they had connected, they had even had Christmas dinner together.

What does it say when you still have Christmas dinner with your ex-husband, and then he finds you after dinner, despite the wrath of his girlfriend, to make sure that she was okay and to find out where they stood regarding each other? Why was it that, despite the months of stubbornly insisting that their failed marriage was all her fault, Derek now was able to have an adult conversation about why it fell apart?

By the time she got home, Addison still hadn't found any answers; however, upon entering the house, she did find a very naked Callie dancing to music with George, who was only slightly more clothed than Callie. When she saw Addison, Callie smiled slightly, as if this was no big deal, while George tried to hide himself completely behind Callie. Shaking her head, Addison waved to both of them before retiring to her room. That was one thing Addison wished she could change about Callie—Callie seemed to enjoy being completely unclothed more than any other person she had ever met. If she was more of a gossip, Addison knew that she would ask Izzie if, when Callie had lived with them, she had always gone around this unclothed.

Her thoughts were only temporarily taken away from Steven and Derek, however, and when she lay in bed, hugging her pillow, Addison found that she was, for the first time in months, not about to cry herself to sleep. Steven was amazing, and exactly what she needed, and even if things didn't feel right between them, Addison knew she was healing. "Perhaps time does heal everything," Addison whispered to herself, though fully aware that she was nowhere near completely healed, and aware that, perhaps, she would never be.


	13. Show Me A Sign, Part One

Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy. Alas, I also do not own the poem posted in italics at the bottom of this chapter. It is called "Reluctance" and it was written by Robert Frost.

A/N: I want to thank everybody who reviewed on my last chapter—thirteen reviews! I also want to apologize for the long wait for this chapter. I had a lot of homework, and before I had time to post this chapter I went away for the weekend, and didn't have the internet access to put it up, and then I reread the chapter and thought it was crap, so I completely rewrote it. I still don't like it, but it's better. So now, like two weeks after I put up the last one, I'm putting up this chapter. I'm sorry for updating so sporadically…I always mean to update more regularly, but it never works. I'll try to make it up to you, though; I have the next chapter written, and will post it tomorrow, if I get enough reviews. So, you know the drill, please review and make me happy!

One quick note, though. I'm doing something that I'd normally never ever do. Right after I wrote this chapter I read a poem that really seemed to fit it, so I'm going to post the last stanza of it in italics at the very end of the chapter. You can tell me if you disagree, but to me the poem really screamed Addison. If you liked the last stanza of the poem, I would really encourage reading it. The whole poem seems to fit Addison quite well, but the last stanza was the one that resonated most with me, and fit this chapter best, so it's all that I'm posting here. Plus, to post the whole poem would be a bit long.

Oh, and those of you who are feeling bad for Mark right about now? Don't worry, I am too, and I'm thinking and trying to come up with something to make him happy. And I think I have it…

**Show Me A Sign**

Addison knew she should be happy that it was the first day of January, the first day of a new year, but she couldn't bring herself to muster faked enthusiasm. With the beginning of a new year, you were supposed to be able to move on, to forgive those who have wronged you in the past year, to pretend you have a clean slate in front of you. How was it, Addison wondered, that people could actually pretend that everything was okay, that the consequences to their past actions no longer existed, simply because it was a new year? There was no clean slate, not really, anyhow.

Ironically, her newfound dislike for the New Year did not stop her from making resolutions. If asked, she knew that she would deny fervently that she had ever made them, yet since she had nothing better to cling to at the moment, she clung to her resolutions. She wasn't sure exactly what these resolutions were, yet it was somehow extremely important that she have them.

"What, you don't like starting the New Year?" Callie demanded, startling Addison, who had been sitting in the kitchen, staring absently at full cup of tea. "I would have thought you would be a big New Years fan…you seem the sort."

Addison smiled half-heartedly at Callie and took a sip of her tea. She made a face, discovering that it had become cold, walked to the sink, and poured the tea down the drain. Callie had already put a pot of water on the stove, so she sat back down before answering her friend. "What makes you think that I'm not a fan of New Year's?" Addison questioned.

"I don't know, the way you were sitting there looking sad and like you wished you could be anywhere but where you are now."

There was a moment of silence, and Addison closed her eyes. "I used to love this season," she said softly. "I thought it was a time for forgiveness, and family, and fresh starts. You never really can have a fresh start, can you? It's all a lie, isn't it?" Her words were spoken bitterly, but not without sadness.

Callie stared at her. "I don't know if I'd call it a lie…" she began, but the look on Addison's face caused her to stop. "I'm here for you, you know," Callie reminded Addison, "And if you don't want to talk to me, you should still talk to somebody. You can talk to Izzie, or Bailey, or somebody from New York. Burke and Richard and even Mark are all there for you. If you wanted to, you could even talk to somebody who you helped when helping everybody was your thing, and Sydney is always willing to talk…nonstop willing to talk, and to share her emotions, and to share other people's emotions, and act disgustingly friendly."

Addison groaned. "Not Sydney!" she laughed, causing Callie to smile because she had somehow managed to cheer up her friend, at least temporarily. The tea kettle went off, and Callie turned around to take it off the stove. "Besides," Addison continued in a more serious tone, "No sane person would want to listen to my troubles. Sure, there are people who will do it out of some sense of obligation, but nobody really wants to get involved with my issues."

"Nobody wants to get involved, or you don't want them to get involved?" Callie questioned, her eyebrows raised, causing Addison to roll her eyes and ignore the question.

"It's a new year, and so we're not going to talk about it. It goes against my New Years resolutions, whatever they are." Addison reminded herself that she should be happy, and plastered a smile on her face. It wasn't entirely fake, just, well, enhanced.

"You don't like New Years, but you make New Years resolutions?"

"I'm a hypocrite." Addison declared, as if this was big news. Callie had the grace to not say anything, instead opting to sip her tea. A ring from the phone surprised both Addison and Callie, causing Callie to spill her tea. "I'll get it," Addison volunteered, grabbing the cordless phone off of the counter without bothering to look at the caller ID. "Hello?" she asked.

"Hey," a gruff, male voice on the other end said softly, as if whispering.

Addison, immediately realizing who was calling, was surprised. "Mark?" she questioned, receiving a look of curiosity and slight horror from Callie. She excused herself from the kitchen, and walked into the living room for a little more privacy. "Mark, why are you calling me?" she asked. Though they had become perfectly civil, and possibly friends, Mark had never called her at her home before. When she had been living at the hotel, he hadn't bothered and had instead showed up, and then when she had made it amply clear that she didn't want to deal with him outside of work, he had (surprisingly) respected that wish.

The voice on the other end of the phone groaned loudly. "I need your help," he said reluctantly, and Addison snorted. "No, seriously, I need your help," Mark repeated.

"Mark, what on earth could you need my help for at five thirty in the morning?" Addison demanded. "The only reason I'm up is because I'm supposed to be at the hospital by six thirty—you know, because it's New Years, and lots of people get drunk and do stupid things, endangering their lives, on New Years Eve, when they're drunk. Plus, I told Richard I'd come early and volunteer in the E.R. because he was having trouble getting enough people to do it. Whatever it is you need, it can't warrant a call at this hour."

Though Addison couldn't see Mark, she knew that, wherever he was, he was rolling his eyes. "I don't know where I am," he admitted, and Addison stifled an annoyed laugh. Seriously, was he so proud that he couldn't ask for street directions?

"For God's sake, Mark, just ask for a directions. You're a big boy—it won't harm you too much," she said sarcastically, though curious how he had gotten lost, and where he was going so early in the morning.

"That _isn't_ the problem, Addison!" Mark exclaimed. "I'm in a house, a strange house, and I don't know where the hell I am, which _normally _wouldn't be a problem but, I can't find any of my clothes. None of them. They're not upstairs, and they're certainly not downstairs…" he trailed off, before adding pitifully, as if it Addison hadn't realized the situation, "And I have a hangover." Addison tried to stifle her laugh, but she couldn't. "It's not funny!" Mark hissed, which only caused Addison to laugh harder.

"I don't think I'm going to be able to help you there," Addison choked out between peals of, slightly repressed, laughter. It took Mark a full ten minutes to convince Addison that he would be forever in her debt if she would go to the hospital, get a spare copy of his room key from his desk, go to his hotel room and get some clothes, and drive and pick him up. Addison agreed, but not before making Mark almost wish that he hadn't asked.

Right before she hung up, she realized something. "How am I going to know where to find you? You can't expect me to just drive around until you see my car out the window…" she asked him. He said that he'd work on figuring out where he was, if she would just come and bring him clothes. Realizing that there was no way out of this, Addison agreed, and (after being told repeatedly by Mark to "hurry!") went to get dressed. She had to admit that, if nothing else, Mark's ridiculous situation had cheered her up temporarily, though she couldn't help but note that Mark was starting off the year on a very bad foot.

"I'm leaving," Addison told Callie, who was now sitting at the table and reading a newspaper.

"Why?" Callie questioned, curious. Addison didn't have to leave for close to another hour, since the hospital was only a few minutes drive away.

"I'm doing Mark a favor," Addison said cryptically, and Callie raised her eyebrows. "He'd kill me if I told you," Addison apologized, before rushing out the door. She felt sort of bad not telling Callie, but it wasn't really Callie's business, and Mark was generally disliked enough that she didn't want this to get around, for his sake. Perhaps she'd tell Callie later.

Addison got in her car, drove to the hospital, and went to Mark's office. Unfortunately, his door was locked, so she had to find Richard to ask him to give her a key. Mark was in luck, because Richard had also gotten to the hospital early, and Addison was able to find him in his office. "Addie, what are you doing here so early? You didn't have to be in for another forty minutes…" Richard told her.

Absently drumming her fingers on Richard's desk, she asked for the keys to Mark's office. Richard gave her a look, and she almost had to bite her tongue so that she didn't slip and tell Richard. "Trust me, you don't want to know," Addison informed him. Richard decided to take her word on it, and gave Addison the key to his office, with a promise that she'd return it later, and a reminder to not be late for work, since she was needed in the E.R.

She completed her errand of finding Mark's key, going to his hotel room and picking some clothes, and had just gotten back in her car when she received another car from Mark, who had somehow managed to find out where he was without waking up the person whose house he was stranded at.

When Addison arrived at the door of the house, she saw Mark standing, face pressed to the small glass window in the middle of the door, immensely relieved to see her. He opened up the door just enough that she could hand him no clothes, turned his back to the door, and put the clothes on, causing Addison to think that he had no shame. Within a minute he was out the door and into Addison's car.

"You owe me." Addison glanced over at Mark, who was trying to pretend that this whole situation hadn't happened.

"I do," he said eventually, throwing one last look back at the house where he had been stranded, a look of disgust on his face. "She was _old_!" Mark exclaimed suddenly, as Addison turned onto the highway, causing them both to laugh. "I mean, I was so drunk that it didn't matter much at the time, but she was _old_ and bore an uncanny resemblance to Derek's mother, though perhaps a bit younger, and definitely less polished."

"I am going to pretend that I did not hear that," Addison said wisely. "Manwhore," she muttered under her breath, though not venomously.

Mark glared at her, pretending to be outraged, which he would have been, had he not seen some of the truth in her statement. "Am not," he said playfully. As an afterthought, he added, "Unless you want me to be."

Taking her hand off of the steering wheel, Addison reached over to slap Mark, though not terribly hard. "Not today, Mark, not today," she warned, once again reminded of all of the things that the New Year would not bring her, all of the slates that, despite her best efforts to clean them, simply refused to become clean and allow her to have a fresh start.

Without meaning to, Addison had made the atmosphere in the car a lot more serious. "I hate New Years," he muttered vehemently, and she nodded empathetically. "At least you didn't get stuck without your clothes, which, by the way, were not inexpensive ones, and I'll now have to replace. At least you didn't wake up with a massive hangover, at the house of somebody you've never met before, who looks slightly like Derek's mother."

Addison nodded. "Yeah, you did start off the new year badly. Actually, impressively badly, though admittedly I think that my last year's experience beats what happened to you. But then again, I'm biased." Last year's New Year's had been a disaster. She had wanted to spend the day with Derek, but he had avoided her at practically all costs, instead deciding to go to the hospital without telling her. After she had finally managed to track him down, he had agreed to go home for dinner, but when she tried to have a conversation with him, he told her that, though they were trying to make this work, he was being so distant because he was still in love with Meredith, and not with her. This wasn't exactly new news—he had told her this the day before Christmas too—but it still hurt a lot.

The memory of the day was enough to make Addison grimace, and Mark noticed. "I'm sorry," he told her sincerely, and he touched his hand to her shoulder briefly in a gesture of friendship. It was moments like this that made Addison remember why she liked Mark, and it was these sorts of memories she forced herself to call up when she was mad. Mark could be a jerk, and he slept with anything that moved, but he was fundamentally a good person.

There was a moment of awkward silence, before Addison resumed teasing Mark about being stranded without his clothes on, and the humility of having to actually call her to ask to be picked up. He glared at her, and told her to shut up, but none of it was meant seriously. As they got out of Addison's car at Seattle Grace, Mark having declined her offer to be dropped at his hotel, he asked Addison one thing:

"Don't tell everybody about what happened, okay?"

She gave him a devilish look. "Maybe…" she said slowly. "Depends on if you treat your interns nicely…actually, scratch that. If you'll just stop sleeping with the peds nurses who care for the babies in the NICU, I won't tell." Mark glared at her, and she glared back, preparing for a real fight. "Seriously, Mark, you wouldn't believe the questions I've been asked. I always remembered the nurses in New York to be more tactful then the ones here. The nurses in New York would have never tried to compare notes with me on their sexual experience experiences with you. I'm a professional, Mark, and I can't afford to have people asking me these sorts of questions."

Mark rolled his eyes in a childish manner. He hated how Addison somehow always managed to come back to one of two topics, one being his treatment of interns, and the other being his habit of sleeping with nurses. Was it his fault if all of the pretty ones dealt with Addison on a daily basis? It wasn't his fault there were no pretty nurses in other branches of the hospital aside from Olivia, and he had no interest in getting syphilis.

Addison sighed heavily. "Just…just don't do something I'll make you regret," she warned, and Mark smiled. Before he had time to make a cocky response, Derek invited himself to the conversation.

"Happy New Years!" he said brightly, smiling at them both. He and Addison were, if not friends, friendly. "How has it been so far?"

With a glance at Mark, who opened his eyes widely as if to say, "No!" Addison grinned. "It's been good. Mark slept with your mother."

Derek stared at Mark in utter and complete horror. "You did _what_ with my _mother_?" he demanded. "You know, there was a time when she was practically your mother too." Derek took a few steps towards Mark as if to hit him, but Addison grabbed his shoulder, slightly horrified that Derek hadn't been able to realize that she was joking.

"Relax!" Addison hissed. "I was joking. Mark got stuck at a strange woman's house without any of his clothes, and I had to come pick him up. Apparently the woman he slept with looked like a slightly younger version of your mother." Both Derek and Addison cringed at the thought. Derek muttered an apology, and Mark glared at Addison before telling her that they'd talk later, and walking away in a huff. "You didn't realize that I was joking, even if the joke was in bad taste!" Addison exclaimed once Mark had walked away.

He shrugged, and tried to stop Addison from gripping his arm tightly. Embarrassed that she had forgotten to let go, Addison dropped her hand quickly, and they walked into the hospital and got into the elevator. "It's Mark, Addison. Some of us just aren't good people, and some of us have no moral standards. You should know that by now, Addison."

Addison breathed to try to calm herself down, but couldn't. It was New Years, and they were supposed to all make an effort to get along. She was friendly with Mark, and friendly with Derek, and it infuriated her that Derek was simply too pigheaded to accept one of Mark's numerous apologies. "For God's sake, Derek, grow up!" she exclaimed. "Just forgive the guy, okay? He's not perfect, but nobody is, and he's been making an effort to get you to forgive him, and you won't even listen. It's New Years, Derek, and you're supposed to at least make an effort!"

Derek sighed, but he wasn't about to back down, even for Addison's sake. "Addie, he's been with more women than anybody else I know, and if it hadn't been for him, we might just still be married." There, he had said it, what he had wanted to say for months now, what he had held in when Addison had asked him repeatedly if they wanted to talk about what went wrong. Addison had been the adult, and had been ready to discuss it, but Derek had just wanted to lay blame.

"No," Addison said softly and sadly, yet with remarkable force. She pulled the stop button on the elevator, glad that they were the only ones in it. "You can't call me Addie anymore—you can't behave like this and still call me Addie. You don't understand, do you? You never wanted to understand, just lay blame. Fine, hate the man for all I care, but do you really want to throw away all those years? You were best friends since preschool, he was your brother. Your brother, Derek. And it isn't his fault that we're not married, so give him a break. He's not my favorite person right now, but at least I'm not acting like a spoiled child!"

"You made a drunken mistake and slept with him, and when I left you stayed so that you wouldn't have to believe that you threw away our marriage," Derek yelled.

"Do you seriously believe that was it? It was simply a drunken mistake?" Addison yelled back, but continued much softer. "I was sober, Derek. I was completely sober, there was no alcohol in me, and I was lonely, and he was there, and you weren't. I was desperate, and I made a mistake, a terrible mistake, but it wasn't Mark's fault. So give it a rest, and even if you don't like him, pretend to, because it's New Years and because I need to believe that there's such a thing as a fresh start, even if it's all a lie."

Derek stared at Addison as if she had suddenly sprouted horns. "You were sober?" he finally asked. His voice wasn't angry, wasn't accusing, and was lacking almost all emotion.

"Yes, Derek, I was sober. Is it such a big shock to you, really? I never drank much until we divorced," she said bitterly.

"Why did I never know that?" he demanded, outraged. Had he known that Addison was sober, was well aware that of what she was doing when she did it, Derek might not have ever tried to make things work between them. All that he had gotten from that was confused—he didn't know what he wanted, if he wanted Addison or Meredith. Meredith was kind, and sweet, and caring, and loyal, and she loved him despite his treatment of her; Addison was the love of his life.

"You never asked, Derek," Addison replied angrily, and pushed the button on the elevator to restart it, before adding, "And it's too late to ask now." They rode the rest of the way up in silence, and when the elevator door opened, Addison walked off without even looking back at Derek. She had known there was no such thing as a fresh start, but it hurt to have it thrown in her face so rudely on New Years, a day which was supposed to be about forgiveness and fresh starts.

Simply put, Addison felt exhausted. She changed into her scrubs, checked on her patients to make sure that she was not needed to perform any last-minute surgery, and then went down to the ER, where she found Miranda helping. Addison walked to her friend, and stood quietly next to her while Miranda finished with her patient. When she was done, Bailey looked at Addison questioningly. "You okay?" she asked, her voice sounding worried.

"I'm tired," Addison said simply, her voice sad and on the verge of cracking.

Bailey raised her eyebrows. "It's seven o'clock in the morning," she pointed out, "And we both should look at the people in the ER instead of standing here talking. So, if you don't need anything, we should both go."

Addison nodded. "I don't need anything," she said, and blinked her eyes fast to keep from crying. "You're right, we should go help people, save lives, just do something, anything." She took a deep breath, wiped a tear that had escaped off her cheek, and started walking towards the door, but was pulled back by Miranda.

"Talk," Miranda said, closing the door that Addison had left open after the patient had left. Addison needed little encouragement.

"I got a call from Mark because he was at a stranger's house without his clothes, so I went to the hospital, got a spare copy of his key from his desk, went and got clothes from his room, and drove to pick him up. We came back to the hospital, and we saw Derek, and he said something about Mark, and I lost it and yelled. He couldn't get it into his head that Mark isn't a terrible person, so I told him the rest of the truth about the night when I slept with Mark. He had assumed that I was drunk, but I wasn't. And he looked at me as if…as if I had become Satan, as if I was repulsive, as if he never wanted to see me again," Addison sobbed, no longer pretending to be okay.

Miranda, in a rare display of affection, hugged Addison quickly. "It's New Years, Miranda. New Years is supposed to be about forgiveness, and friendship, and new starts," Addison said a few minutes later, once she was calm enough to speak.

Bailey looked at her incredulously. "You still love him, don't you? Despite everything you've done to try and make it not so, you still love him."

Addison nodded. "Is it that bad?" she asked softly. "At first I thought that I was just nostalgic about everything that had happened between us, that we had grown apart. I thought that the reason I couldn't get him out of my head was that I was regretful, and wishful. It's not the reason, and I wish it was. But he loves Meredith, I think, and if he's happy, that's good enough for me. And if the price I pay for making sure that he and his best friend, essentially his brother, reconcile is that he looks at me like I'm disgusting, I can live with that."

Not one for long speeches, Bailey said simply, "I'm sorry." She didn't agree with Derek's treatment of Addison, but she knew that nothing she could say right now would help. What Addison needed most right now was for somebody to tell her they were sorry and that she had done the right thing by telling Derek the truth.

"Don't be," Addison said, as she inspected her reflection in a small mirror that she had somehow managed to find, searching for any signs that she had been crying. "It's not your fault, and I'll get over it. Besides, who knows? Perhaps Derek will start acting a bit more mature from now on and maybe Mark will be sufficiently humbled by this experience to stop sleeping with my peds nurses!"

Bailey suppressed a laugh. "You should hear yourself," Bailey cautioned. "You sound like me talking to my interns!"

Addison groaned. "Whatever," she said, shaking her head. Right before they turned different directions to find ER patients who needed to be stitched up or otherwise operated on, Addison turned to Miranda again. "Thanks," she said. "You know…for being there." Bailey told her that it was no problem, and they moved on. The day passed quickly for Addison, who spent most of it doing sutures and x-rays. Around mid afternoon one of her NICU babies started crashing, and she had to perform emergency surgery on him.

The surgery was successful, and when she had finished and scrubbed herself to get clean, she found Derek waiting outside. Before she had time to open her mouth, he launched into an explanation. "You don't have to forgive me, and you don't even have to talk to me. I'll understand if you don't want to. You have to understand, though, that I'm sorry. I'm sorry about the way I treated you, and I'm sorry that I hurt you when we were married and after. And you were at least partially right about Mark, and I'll work on it. I'm willing to try, Addie—Addison," he quickly corrected himself, remembering what she had told him earlier. "I'm willing to try if you'll just give me a chance."

"I'm beyond giving you chances, Derek," Addison said, though it wasn't entirely true. "Every time I give you a chance, you hurt me." Sensing that the conversation was over, Derek turned to walk away. Addison, however, had one last thing to say. "Ask me tomorrow," she added. "You gave me a chance even after I hurt you, so just…ask me tomorrow." Derek smiled gratefully, and Addison nodded. She was weak, and she knew it—a while ago she wouldn't have given him another chance, wouldn't have allowed herself to be that vulnerable, and wouldn't have allowed herself to be so easily influenced by love and a longing desire to be accepted again. Did that make her a worse person?

If she could have a clean slate, if she could wipe away all of her past actions, would she? The answer was no, decidedly no. She had never liked people who avoided taking responsibility for their actions.

_Ah, when to the heart of man  
Was it ever less than a treason  
To go with the drift of things,  
To yield with a grace to reason,   
And bow and accept the end  
Of a love or a season?_


	14. Show Me A Sign, Part Two

Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's Anatomy.

A/N: Okay, I should stop with the long author's notes, because they're boring, and nobody really wants to read them anyhow. This chapter is really a continuation of the previous chapter, and the only reason I cut it into two is because otherwise it would be one, massive, 8,000 word chapter, and I was just a bit overwhelming. Plus, there was a good place to end it, and I really wanted to put in that poem fragment… Anyhow, if I were you I'd kill me for taking so long to update. I'm really sorry—school has been ridiculous lately. If it's any consolation, the next chapter is completely, 100 written already, so it's just a matter of when to post it. Oh, and I hate this chapter…really, really hate it. I like the next chapter, and I like what I started on the chapter after that, but I hate this chapter.

**Show Me A Sign, Part Two**

It was night, and Addison lay on one of the beds in the on call room. She had given up on trying to sleep, and now she just lay there, staring at the bunk above her, and reliving the events of earlier. Derek finally knew the truth—well, almost all the truth, and just right now, she couldn't bring herself to tell him the last bit. Addison had expected him to yell when he learned that she had made the decision to sleep with Mark while not intoxicated, but he had simply looked at her, a look which would haunt her for years to come. A look of betrayal, of sadness, of confusion, and of anger; a look which told her, clearer than words, that he would never truly be able to understand why she acted the way she had.

While this was surprising, what kept Addison awake was what Derek had done afterward, something that she had long ago forgot he was capable of doing. He had sincerely apologized for his behavior, said he was going to try and make it all work out, and had asked for forgiveness. Despite her better judgment, she had given him a second (though it was really more like a third or fourth) chance. The only problem was that, the nicer and more civil Derek acted, the harder it was for her to pretend that she didn't love him.

The door to the on call room opened and, after a quick glance to see who had entered, she turned on her side and pretended to be asleep. Truth be told, she was avoiding Mark, and avoiding the confrontation that she knew from years of experience was inevitable.

Mark walked over to the bed where Addison was lying, and climbed onto the bunk above her. When he didn't attempt to talk to her immediately, Addison assumed that she had successfully tricked him.

"Addison, I know you're awake. I've had enough experience with women trying to avoid talking to me that I know the telltale signs of faking," Mark told her from the bunk above, and she cursed to herself but lay there, hoping to convince him otherwise. "You're good. If I hadn't known you for so long, I just might be convinced, but do you seriously think I'm going to fall for this?" Mark asked. "First of all, your face is turned to the wall, and you never sleep facing the wall because you like to see the door and know if anybody is entering. Secondly, you never sleep on your side, only on your back or face down into the pillow. Third of all, when you're asleep, you snore."

Momentarily forgetting she was pretending to be asleep, Addison turned over angrily. "I do _not_ snore!" she exclaimed loudly, before realizing that she had blown her cover. Not that she had really expected to trick Mark, but it was particularly embarrassing to Addison that she had been tricked so easily.

"No, you don't," Mark said, snickering, and leaning his head over the side of the bed to look at Addison, clearly amused.

"Glad we got that settled," she muttered sarcastically, receiving a look from Mark that clearly was still gloating from his victory. Truth be told, she had been worried for a moment there that she did snore—her father had snored terribly, and as a little child she had been terrified that there was a train going through the house. She turned her back to him in mock outrage, because if anything she was mad at herself, and let the room become silent again.

After a few minutes, just as she was beginning to hope that perhaps Mark had fallen asleep before he could yell at her, he spoke again, this time his voice angry, and disappointed. "You sold me out to your ex-husband, my ex-best friend, which wouldn't be that terrible, aside from the fact that practically the only thing he's said to me since I arrived was that he hoped I would return to New York, and soon. Seriously, Addison! You know, the reason I called you was because I figured that you would be more discrete than other people, given what the hospital gossips say about you."

Addison sighed. Not only was Mark not asleep, but he was mad at her. "If it's any consolation, I'm absolutely positive that Derek won't tell anybody, not after the way he reacted."

"That's not the point, Addison!" he exclaimed. "The point is that I trusted you, and you gave away my secret in exchange for a few moments of pleasant conversation with your ex-husband. It's not the fact you told him, really, it's the fact that you didn't think about how I'd feel. You know, I'm perfectly civil towards him, and I've tried apologizing, but he doesn't want to be civil to me, then shouldn't I be the one making the calls about what information about my life he knows?"

"I'm sorry," Addison said softly. "I didn't mean to tell him, not really, anyhow. It's just that, do you know what it feels like to have somebody who you can tell everything to, somebody who is your best friend, somebody who understands you? I slipped, okay? Derek has been…nice…recently, and I, just for one moment, got carried away and didn't remember that things weren't the same as they used to be. For one moment I allowed myself to hope that perhaps the New Year would bring a new start."

She couldn't see Mark's face, and therefore couldn't gauge what his reaction would be. What she had said she believed to be the truth, but Mark had an alarming point too. Though it pained her to realize this, in essence Mark was right; she had traded in Mark's private story for a few moments of conversation with her Derek.

"The old us would have thought it was funny," a strangled voice said after a moment. "Before…before everything became all messed up and complicated, we were friends, all of us. You would have rolled your eyes, and asked me if I was ever going to grow up, and your ex-husband would have made fun of me, and we would have all laughed."

"What happened to us, all three of us?" Addison asked, though the question wasn't directed to Mark, more to herself.

"I don't know, Addie," Mark whispered. Addison wanted to pretend that she had not heard Mark's voice, because she now knew what she would find if she stood up and looked at Mark, but somehow it didn't seem right to ignore it. She got out of her bed, and stood up so that she could see Mark. He turned his head away from her, but she had seen his face for long enough to know that he was crying. Feeling terrible for making him cry, even though she hadn't meant to, she put her hand on his and squeezed it. The Mark Sloan she knew hardly ever cried.

When he had stopped crying, he looked at her, a slightly haunted expression on his face. "Will it ever be the same?" he asked, but they both knew the answer. Addison shook her head sadly, and lay back down on the bottom bunk, once again trying to get to sleep.

Right as she had finally dozed off, a pager went off. "Not mine," a sleepy Mark said. Addison jumped up, hitting her head on the top bunk, grabbed her pager, and read it. She nodded to Mark to indicate that she had to go, but not before asking what time it was. Finding, to her horror, that it was only eleven o'clock, Addison put on her sweater, and left the on call room. It took her only a few minutes to get down to the Emergency Room, and when she did she found three very bored interns leaning against the wall, talking.

"Stevens, Grey, Yang," Addison greeted them, though not terribly enthusiastically, "why did you page me?" She couldn't think of any reason that she would have been paged to come to the ER unless there was an emergency, which, from the fact that the interns were socializing and there were only three patients sitting in the waiting room, Addison was willing to bed was not the case. Izzie looked down, embarrassed, Meredith shoved Izzie, and Christina just stared at her friends, as if she could not believe they had actually paged Addison.

Meredith glared at Izzie, as if to say that since it was her idea, she should have to speak, before offering a chart to Addison and addressing her. "We have a patient, and he, um, needs stitches."

Raising her eyebrows, Addison took the chart that was in Meredith's outstretched hands, and read it over quickly. From what she could tell, all the patient needed was five or six stitches in his knee, which shouldn't have proven to be a task too difficult for three interns. "Yes, but why was I paged?" Addison asked again, now confused. Was there something about this patient that wasn't in his chart, or that she had missed? Even so, it was a man—normally men do not become pregnant, and this one didn't have a sick or premature baby in Addison's care, so she couldn't figure out why she had been the one paged.

"He won't let us near him," Christina said matter-of-factly. At first, Addison had found Christina's complete lack of bedside manner irritating, and her aggressiveness overbearing, but the more she talked to Christina, the more she liked her. Being to the point and down to earth had its benefits from a medical point of view, and Christina was dating Preston, who was a friend. Furthermore, Christina was in no way involved in her messy and complicated love life, which _way_ too many doctors at Seattle Grace seemed to be.

"What do you mean he won't let you near him?" Addison demanded, and now Izzie and Meredith blushed, while Christina suppressed a laugh.

"I just got here after they had paged you, but from what I gather he won't let Izzie near him because of a certain underwear ad for Miss Bethany Whisper that he saw last year." Addison gave Christina a curious look, and Christina clarified. "It's not just that he saw the ad, it's that he has a picture of Izzie tattooed on his thigh."

Addison looked at Izzie, who was a color of red seldom found in nature. "Seriously?" she asked, and Izzie nodded, mortified. "Okay, then. Why couldn't Dr. Grey have stitched him up?" From the look that Christina shot Meredith, she was almost certain that she didn't want to know the answer, because it would either make her mad, or cause her to say something not professional, and she had made a vow after her incident with Christina to be professional at work.

"She was so absorbed in something else that she, um, forgot to put any sort of numbing agent or anesthesia in before attempting to stitch him up." Meredith glared at Christina for betraying her, but the glare wasn't serious. Presumably Meredith was at least somewhat relieved that her mistake was now out in the open.

To her amazement, Addison found herself embarrassed for Meredith. At first she had hated Meredith, hated her for being sweet and kind and loyal and hated her for being loved by Derek. When she had been married to Derek, she had forced herself to like Meredith, since they were friends by proxy, or whatever. She had gotten along with Meredith okay then, until she had found Meredith's panties in Derek's coat. Right after that incident, Addison had hated Meredith, but she had since realized that she no longer felt any strong emotions regarding Meredith.

"May I ask what was so absorbing?" Addison asked, and now Christina looked away, as if to say that her part was done. When, after a few minutes of persuasion, they still wouldn't tell her what had been so amusing, Addison gave up. The only thing she was able to find out was that she had been paged because she was listed as the attending to contact if needed, presumably because she had told Richard that she would volunteer earlier in the day. She went in and stitched up the man, apologizing for the lack of professional behavior among the interns.

When that rather unpleasant task was done, Addison found herself exhausted. She went to find Richard in his office, and he told her that she could leave, even though she was supposed to stay over night. She needed to rest, or to do something so distracting that she wasn't aware of her troubles. She needed Savvy, but Savvy wasn't in Seattle and, even if she was, Addison felt guilty laying her troubles on top of somebody else.

At home, Addison didn't know what to do. She couldn't stay at the hospital, yet in her own home she wondered if she had made the right decision, if she wouldn't have been happier staying at the hospital. Rubbing her eyes tiredly, Addison turned on the TV and watched a half hour of bad TV before she decided that enough was enough, turned it off, and went to her room.

Unaware of what she was doing, Addison opened her dresser, rooted around in the back of the top drawer for a small jewelry box, and pulled it out. She opened the jewelry box, and stared at the contents of it, as if in a trance. After all of these months, it still felt weird to not be wearing her rings, rings which she had worn every day for over a third of her life. Right after she had taken off her rings, she had vowed that she wasn't going to look at them ever again, but it was impossible for her to do that.

The rings represented everything she had had with Derek, reminded her of her past life, not the past life when she cried to sleep because Derek wasn't home for the night again, the past life when she and Derek meant the world to each other. She needed to go back and fix it all, but it was impossible, and even if she could she wasn't sure what she would change. Looking at the rings was a sort of guilty pleasure she engaged in occasionally, even though she knew it wasn't healthy. She slipped the rings on her hand for a minute, admiring them, before taking them off and putting them away again.

Addison got her laptop out of its charger, and sat on her bed, checking email and reading the news online. She didn't pay much attention to most of the articles she read, or emails she replied to, except for one from Savvy, saying that she missed Addison, and was thinking about coming to Seattle in a few months. Addison thought about calling Savvy and talking, but a quick glance at the clock told her that it was too late—it would be two thirty in New York.

With a groan, Addison put her computer away and got into bed. Despite the hour she wasn't tired, but forced herself to at least lay there in the dark and attempt to sleep so that she would be able to function tomorrow morning.

Truth be told, Addison didn't want to go to sleep. If she went to sleep, when she woke up she would have a decision to make, one that she didn't want to, a decision that she knew should be tough, but was so simple it was alarming. Could she even consider not forgiving Derek? The answer was no—she loved Derek, loved him uncontrollably and unconditionally, and it would take a lot longer than a few months for her to truly get over Derek.


	15. Marital Amnesia

Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's Anatomy.

A/N: Okay, I kind of deserved it for taking so long to post, but the amount of reviews has, over the last two chapters, gone down from thirteen to two. On the last chapter I got two reviews so far. Now, I'm not going to complain, because really I kind of did deserve that (and plus, I hated that chapter), but if you don't review on this one I'm going to get seriously worried. This chapter has a lot of plot development, and I'm happy with the way it came out—the first time I wrote it, it came out a lot more porny, and less realistic. Addison has (I think) one more sad chapter to go, and then her life is going to start getting back on track, and she'll be happy again because, really, sad Addison is necessary, but happy Addison is so fun to write. One of my favorite chapters was "We All Cope In Different Ways" because I thought the idea of Addison coping by helping everybody was really amusing. By the way, I love the idea of drowning me Meredith-style and then miraculously bringing me back to life…that was an ingenious idea. Please review!

**Marital Amnesia**

Addison's heart sank when she saw him from her window, and she hated herself for what she was about to do. In the past few months since the New Year, they had been happy, but it just hadn't felt right. She had tried to deny it, tried to pretend that they were perfect for each other but to no avail. It was long past time she stop pretending, before she hurt either one of them worse.

Steven walked up to her door, and rang the doorbell. For the last time asking herself if she wanted to do this, Addison opened the door, and Steven entered, a huge smile on his face. "Hello," he said, before drawing her into a hug. After a moment she pulled away and Steven, thinking nothing of it, continued, "I was thinking that we could have a picnic dinner somewhere along the water."

"Steven…" Addison began. Noting the look on Addison's voice, Steven cut her off.

"If you don't want to have a picnic, we can go to a restaurant, or we can just stay here and watch a movie. I really don't care—I just thought that since it was such a nice evening, we might want to do something outside. But if you don't want to—" he said gently.

Addison looked at the ground. "It's not that. A picnic would be lovely, it's just that…" Addison's voice trailed off. She wasn't used to doing this sort of thing. Her last boyfriend was Derek, and he was the one who had broken her, not the other way around. Steven was a good person, a better person than Derek, perhaps. He didn't deserve to be dating a woman who was in love with another man, and he didn't deserve to not know how much baggage she had. He deserved somebody who could really love him, something Addison knew she would never be able to give Steven.

Steven knew where this was going, and his eyes fell. "Addison, you don't have to do this," he told her.

"I'm so sorry," she said softly, her voice brimming with emotion. "You're a really good person, and you don't deserve to have me. You deserve somebody who will make you happy, and will be devoted to you, and who'll love you, and I just can't do that. It's not that I don't want to, I really, _really_ wish that you were the right person, but…I can't do this!" Addison exclaimed.

They lapsed into silence, before Steven reached over and squeezed her hand. "It's okay. I understand." Addison looked up at his face, and saw his eyes full of unshed tears, as were hers.

"I'm so sorry," she said, and hugged him for one last time. After they broke the embrace, Steven turned around, opened the door, and left. From her window, Addison watched Steven get into his car and drive away. Once she could no longer see him, Addison walked into the living room and sat down in her favorite chair. Though she wasn't cold, Addison pulled picked up a blanket from the back of the chair and draped it over herself, clinging to it since she had nothing else to cling to.

Tears fell from her eyes, as she silently cried, glad that nobody was here to see her.

* * *

Derek watched Meredith pace around the kitchen table, clearly agitated. "Are you okay?" Derek asked her, and she just nodded without looking at him. "Meredith, you need to talk to me if you're not okay." 

"Don't bother yourself," Meredith said bitterly. "I'll be fine. Just…go find Addison," she spit. Over the past few months he had become friends with Addison, and Meredith, though she hadn't been thrilled, hadn't minded nearly as much as he had expected. She was a good person, Meredith, and Derek hated to think that by becoming friends with Addison he had caused them to grow apart. Furthermore, though he didn't understand why, he knew that Addison would be furious if she knew that she was the cause of their relationship troubles.

He walked over to Meredith, grabbed her shoulders, and gently turned her around. "Mer, please!"

Meredith pulled away from him and took several steps backward. "If you paid _any_ attention whatsoever, you'd know what was wrong with me. You'd know that I haven't been okay all week. But where were you? Talking to your ex-wife at lunch, inviting her to dinner, fighting with her…really, she seems to be all you think about and talk about these days!"

"Meredith, calm down!" Derek exclaimed, as Meredith was now yelling. "Calm down, and tell me what's wrong with you? I want to help, but you're not making it very easy."

"What's wrong with me?" Meredith half screamed. "What was wrong with me at the beginning of this week was that exactly a year ago Dylan died. What's wrong with me now is that you've been ignoring me! You spend all of your free time with Addison. Okay, that's a lie, but you clearly think about her a lot and…and then you look at her, and I can't help but see that when you look at her, it's like you understand her, like you know what she's thinking, what she's going to say even before she says it. And you know what, Derek? You're not only hurting me, but you're going to hurt her."

"Meredith, I'm over Addison. There's nothing going on between us, nothing whatsoever. Our marriage is long gone, so far gone that I've forgotten about it entirely. I'm all yours now, Meredith." Derek wasn't sure why he was feeling the need to justify that he was being faithful to Meredith. He still hadn't been able to decide what to do, who to choose—Meredith or Addison. Meredith was sweet and loyal and perfect, but Addison he loved, even when she hurt him, even when he hated her.

"If what you just said is true, then you have marital amnesia, Derek," Meredith muttered.

Derek put his hand on Meredith's shoulder, and she didn't pull away. "You're right," Derek whispered, "I can't forget my marriage, because it still means something to me. She was my best friend and my wife, for more than a third of my life, and I can't just pretend that it never happened. Furthermore, I can't pretend that I don't like Addison, because she's a good person. But, Meredith, I've been friends…well, sort-of friends, anyhow…with Addison for months now, and you haven't minded before."

"You know what you said last night, Derek?" Meredith looked Derek in the eyes, and clenched her fists so that she would not hurt him. When Derek shook his head, Meredith spoke softly. "Right before you fell asleep, you said, 'Goodnight. I love you, Addison.' You said Addison, _not_ Meredith."

"Oh God," Derek ran a hand through his hair nervously. "Meredith, I'm so sorry—I had no idea…it was a mistake, a horrible mistake, and…I'm sorry, Meredith, I'm so sorry."

"Sorry doesn't make it good it better, Derek. Just leave, and don't come back until…until…" Meredith sobbed, tears streaming down her face. To have at last achieved her dream of being with Derek, and to have him still not ready to commit, it hurt. "Just don't come back until…until you can make it up to me."

Derek nodded, dumbstruck, and walked toward the door. Opening it, he turned around and looked at where Meredith was standing, her face now clean of tears, though he was still crying silently. "This thing we have, Meredith?" he questioned, and she nodded. "I think it might be over." Part of Derek wanted him to look back and see what Meredith's reaction was, but he couldn't bring himself to do it, couldn't bring himself to see another woman that he had broken.

Without looking back, Derek got into the car, and drove to Joe's. He hadn't really been at the trailer much since he started dating Meredith, and, besides, he needed a drink. Upon entering Joe's, Derek spotted a familiar red head sitting at the bar. Derek sat down next to Addison, who glanced up at him sorrowfully. Though she was impeccably dressed, her eyes were bloodshot from crying.

"Are you okay?" Derek asked her, and she nodded.

"I broke up with Steven," she said without looking up from her hands, her voice emotionless. "He's a really good person, but it just wasn't right. I thought I was doing the right thing, you know? I think that I'd almost forgotten what it felt like to be all alone." Addison tore her eyes away from her hands, where she had been staring at the tan line she had from wearing wedding rings for so long, and looked at Derek. "You okay?" she asked.

He shook his head and pushed a strand of hair off his face. "I think I just broke up with Meredith. Or maybe she broke up with me…I'm not sure. The point is that I think we're no longer together." Addison stared at Derek in shock, but when she spoke it was without judgment.

"You think, Derek?" she questioned.

"I'm not sure," he admitted. "I'm not sure if I want it to be over, or not." Addison put her hand on top of Derek's, and they sat in silence for a moment, both lost in thought. What would cause Derek, Addison wondered, to break up with Meredith? He had spent their whole last year of marriage with him pining over Meredith, and he had settled into life with Meredith so easily that, had Addison not been determined to want the best for Derek, she would have been hurt. What could have happened to change all of this?

"Before you ask," Derek said suddenly, startling Addison, "Before you ask, I'll tell you why we broke up. But you have to promise not to judge me or get mad and throw things." They both were recalled of one memorable experience when they had been living in Derek's trailer that Addison, fed up with Derek not paying any attention to her, had picked up the hairdryer she had been about to use and thrown it at Derek. To the horror of both people, the hairdryer had actually hit Derek. Both, too stunned to do anything but laugh, had quickly made up, but the memory was forever seared in Derek's mind.

"I won't judge," Addison whispered. "I never do."

Derek rolled his eyes, but continued anyhow. "I said your name. Last night, when we were in bed together, right before I fell asleep, I said your name. I remember thinking about you, but I can't remember saying anything, though apparently I said 'I love you, Addison.'" Addison stared at Derek. Whatever she had been expecting to hear, this had not been it. She was flooded with many emotions—anger, happiness, terror, and most importantly, confusion.

"Derek…"

"I told you not to judge!" he reprimanded lightly, and leaned towards Addison. She knew what was going to happen, and she didn't fight it as he gently kissed her lips, his hands running through her hair. Later Addison would wonder if the reason she didn't protest was because she had just broken up with Steven and simply wanted to not be alone, or because she wanted Derek so badly she couldn't control herself. She wasn't sure which option was more terrifying, but she supposed that it didn't really matter what the reason was.

When somebody—neither was sure who—had pulled away, they sat in awkward silence for a moment. "Derek, do you want it to be over with Meredith?" Addison asked quietly. "She's a good person, and she loves you, she's sweet, she's kind, she's loyal, she'd never hurt you the way I did…"

"Addison, shut up!" Derek couldn't take it any longer, having his ex-wife promote his girlfriend to him, as if it were some sort of advertisement. Addison flinched but didn't look away, her eyes betraying her calm appearance. Overcome with anger, more at himself than at Addison, and confused by his feelings towards both Addison and Meredith, Derek continued, taking it out on Addison. "I don't know what to do, okay? This is a big decision, and unlike you, my decisions aren't as simple as 'should I screw my husband's best friend?'" Derek's voice was level, which ironically made it harder for Addison to bear.

Picking up the shot glass in front of her, Addison thought about downing the whole thing before putting it back down, still full. The last thing she needed right now was to be drunk. "Our marriage was over long before I slept with Mark," Addison said truthfully.

"No, Addison, it wasn't. When you slept with Mark, my whole world shattered right there. Everything was fine, and then suddenly it wasn't. Suddenly my wife went from my best friend to an adulteress whore, and my best friend went from practically my brother to the enemy. You don't get to avoid responsibility, not any longer."

Addison knew that if she wanted to avoid a fight, she should just pick up her bag and leave right now. However, she couldn't put up with this anymore. Even recently, when Derek had been trying to be civil to Mark, even when he invited Addison over to dinner (ironically at Meredith's), she knew he didn't forgive her, didn't understand. It was a look in his eyes, of silent betrayal, and it was the way me made a point of hugging Meredith as much as possible when in Addison's presence. It was almost a need to justify that his behavior with Meredith was somehow purer, more genuine, less destructive than anything he had ever done with her.

"Our marriage was over before I slept with Mark," Addison repeated. "Everything was not fine. God, Derek, do you have any idea what the last two years were like? You were always absent! We'd given up—we didn't even fight anymore, and we were champions at that. You didn't show up on our anniversaries, you didn't even go to your sister's wedding! You know who went to Janice's wedding? I did, and when everybody asked why you weren't there, I made excuses, tried to make it seem as if you had tried to walk over water to get there, but it wasn't possible. Sure, you're the best, but there are at least two other people in Manhattan who could have done the job.

"You know who showed up to comfort me when you didn't make our anniversary dinners? You know who drove me home from Janice's wedding and helped me make excuses to your family? Mark. Yes, I made a mistake, I lit the fire, I was ultimately the cause, but we both were at fault."

"There's a big difference between missing a wedding and having sex with my best friend," Derek said skeptically and unsympathetically, but his voice wasn't as angry as it was before. Addison couldn't be positive, but she thought that something she had just said might have resonated with him.

"Yes, there is, and I realize that!" Addison exclaimed, in no way pacified by Derek's calm indifference. "You walked away, Derek. I told you that we wouldn't make it through this if you left, but you did anyway. I understand that, to some extent. What I don't understand is how, when I came to Seattle, you refused to try."

Derek picked Addison's hand up off the bar where it was resting, and cradled it in his. "It's not like you had any trouble just going back to Mark the second we divorced, and you didn't have to give up anything when you came to Seattle to try to make our marriage work. I had to give up Meredith, and all you had to give up was the brownstone." Addison's face fell, and she was no longer angry, just sad, as if remembering a painful event. Derek wished that he could retract his last statement, but it was impossible, just as all of their mistakes had been.

"Derek, you have no idea what the hell you're talking about," Addison whispered, and for a second it wasn't clear if Addison was going to say more. After a pause, she opened her mouth to continue, and Derek wasn't sure that he wanted to hear what she had to say. "I aborted Mark's baby." There, she had said it; the last of her secrets was out in the open.

Addison looked tearfully at Derek, who sat rigid, stunned. Tears dripped down her cheeks, and suddenly she found herself embracing Derek, her ex-husband, the man it was most inappropriate to hug. "Addie," he whispered, his voice choked. Out of the corner of her eye, Addison saw Joe very carefully avoiding the part of the bar where they sat, though from the expression on his face it was clear that he had heard every word. Addison wasn't terribly worried—Joe was a good secret-keeper.

When they were done crying, Addison tried to pull away, but Derek stopped her and planted a kiss on her lips. "Derek, this is highly inappropriate," she muttered, but neither of them really cared.

"Do you want to see how I've refurnished the trailer?" Derek asked, trying to be suggestive.

Addison laughed so hard that there were tears in her eyes. "Seriously, Derek, that's perhaps the worst pick-up line that I've ever heard. And, trust me, I've heard a lot. Besides, I hate the trailer. It's cramped, and there's no proper bathroom or bedroom, and if the level of effort you put into keeping the trailer clean while I was around is any indication of it's current condition, I'm scared." She knew she was being weak by not telling Derek to stop, by encouraging him, but she wanted it so badly. She weighted the consequences of her behavior and, though they were much heavier if she continued the way she was now, she decided to go ahead anyway. She was lonely, she wanted company, and Derek, at least momentarily while he was confused about his relationship with Meredith, wanted her.

"It is _not_ the worst pick-up line," Derek said, mock-offended. "Don't you remember at that medical conference three years ago when Sophie Harriot's husband, Ron, got drunk? After about a half bottle of rum he decided that it would be a _brilliant_ idea to hit on you. So, after attempting to feel you up, he asked if you wanted to go to the public restroom with him and his wife and take part in a threesome, because you looked like you would be much better than his wife, and he wanted the thrill of doing it in a public place."

Blushing at the memory, because dealing with that situation had been highly embarrassing, and her friends still teased her about it, Addison asked Joe (who had tentatively returned to their side of the bar a few minutes ago) for the check. Joe nodded and told her the amount, glancing nervously between Addison and Derek. He was no idiot and, as a bartender, he had seen more than his share of drunk inappropriate couples do things that they would seriously regret later.

"Addison, are you sure you want to do this?" he asked her, worried. With Steven she had healed so much, and bore little to no resemblance to the broken, hurt woman he had first known. He liked the change, and hated to think that she'd jeopardize all of that for one night with Derek.

"Do what?" she questioned innocently, a smile on her face. Joe looked at her seriously, and she became more serious. "Joe, I'm an adult. I can take care of myself. I appreciate that you're worried, but I'm really okay. I'm just going home, and perhaps Derek will drive me since he has his car. There's nothing…nothing more."

Joe raised his eyebrows, but not in a mean-spirited manner. "Just look out for yourself. I know how you feel about Derek, and I know how he feels about you," Addison looked at him questioningly, but he refused to say more on the issue, "and I know that this could do more damage than it repairs. Not that I don't appreciate the extra income, but it's really not that appealing to see some of the top doctors in Seattle drowning their sorrows night after night. That's why I hardly ever drink."

Addison looked at him questioningly. "You're a bartender," she said skeptically. "You don't drink?"

"Hardly ever," Joe admitted, "It's one of my best kept secrets. After seeing so many people get drunk and do stupid things, it really loses most of its appeal. That's the thing I like least about my job—watching the people who are 'drowning their sorrows', or have decided to get drunk for whatever reason. Happy drunks, sad drunks, contemplative drunks," Joe shot a glance at Addison, "they're all drunk."

"Well, I'm not drunk," Addison informed Joe, and he nodded in agreement.

"Just…think about it before you do anything stupid, Addison." Joe turned around to give Addison time to think. Had he been watching, he would have seen the glare, would have seen the stubborn defiance, and would have seen that she hadn't been convinced yet, that she didn't know exactly what she was doing. Had he not turned away out of courtesy, perhaps he could have stopped some of the pain that would come—but then again, perhaps he would have stopped some of the good things that came of it too.

She paid the tab quickly and, within minutes, she walked out of the bar, her ex-husband trailing behind. "Can you drive me home?" Addison asked. She had taken a taxi to Joe's since she had planned on drinking herself into oblivion before thinking better of it and settling on one shot of tequila, which she had nursed for two or so hours until Derek had showed up.

"Where's you car?" Derek questioned.

"Home—I had planned on drinking a lot."

"Me too." Derek sighed, opened the car door, and he and Addison got in.

Addison looked at Derek's crestfallen face, and decided that what she had thought of doing was positively cruel. "Look, Derek, it doesn't have to be over between you and Meredith, not if you don't want it to be. You made a mistake, but that doesn't mean that it's not fixable. Some wounds are fixable, and others aren't. You won't know which one this is until you try." That was it, Addison realized. Derek had assumed that, after she had slept with Mark, they couldn't fix what they had lost, and by assuming that, he had made it true. When she had seen the way Derek looked at Meredith, she had assumed that they couldn't fix what they had lost. It was a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Derek recognized it too. "That was the reason, wasn't it?" he mused. "There were other causes, but that was the big one—we simply gave up." Addison nodded in agreement, and they drove in silence for some time.

The car stopped, and Addison looked out the window. "Derek, this isn't my house," she said uncertainly. "This is your trailer."

They both got out of the car, though Derek didn't answer Addison's question. They walked inside together, holding hands, and sat down on the bed, since there was no other place to sit. Addison had complained about that when they had been married, but Derek always insisted that if they wanted to sit, they could sit outside. "I'll call a car, it's okay," Addison said, trying to be adult about this. She really didn't want to do something that she'd regret later, but she knew that if she were to stay in the trailer for too long, it was inevitable.

"Don't do that." Addison looked at Derek so that she could tell if he was being serious and, to her horror, amazement, and relief, he was. Derek leaned over across the bed and pulled Addison toward him. He kissed her, at first gently, and then more passionately. Though Addison at first resisted, she couldn't for long, and within minutes she was undressed. She knew that perhaps what hadn't thought through what she was doing, but right now all she wanted was to be with Derek, and at that moment the consequences seemed worth it. They both knew it was going to be a long night.


	16. When It Rains, It Pours

Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's Anatomy.

A/N: Please review! Also, if you get the chance, my other story "Memories Long Lost" is feeling a bit lonely…I'll warn you, though, it's Maddison, not Addek, and it's a little crazy because it was based on an incredibly bizarre dream that I had about a week ago. Still, I was pleased enough with it to post it, so, it can't be all that bad… Okay, I have a quick note on this chapter. It's almost 6,000 words long, and it turned out completely different than I thought it would, but I like it. I had expected it to end out with Derek being like "I love you, Addie, and I choose you," but that just didn't fit. Instead Addison and Derek got into a screaming fight…but, yeah, don't worry, everything will work out all right, thanks to an old friend in New York…

**When It Rains, It Pours**

The sunlight poured in through the window and Addison, still mostly asleep, turned over on her side without opening her eyes. To her horror, a male voice next to her made a groaning noise, and she quickly shut her eyes tighter, willing what she remembered to be false because, if her memories were true, then she was in a lot of trouble. Slowly Addison opened her eyes and looked around, very careful to not look at the male body she knew was lying next to her.

She saw cream colored sheets, a red blanket, a window, and an impossibly small room, all which were telltale features of Derek's trailer. Her heart beating too fast, Addison moved her head so that she could see who was next to her. "Damn it!" she swore, taking in the sight of Derek, only half covered by the semi-transparent sheet. "Damn it!" she swore again, this time loud enough to make Derek groan and turn over on his side to face her.

As he opened his eyes, at first he looked almost shocked and confused, as if he couldn't quite remember what had happened last night, though they had both been completely sober. Suddenly understanding hit him, and he just stared at her.

Addison got out of the bed, quickly grabbing the thick red blanket from the bottom of the bed where it lay, abandoned in last night's excitement, and draped it over her. "I…um…yeah…I have to…What time is it?" Addison stammered, trying to think clearly. In emergencies, Addison could be counted on to take control and think clearly; however, her brain refused to register this as an emergency necessary of such extraordinary measures as keeping calm and a level-minded.

Derek glanced at the clock. "Ten thirty," he told her, and Addison bit her lip.

"I'm late," she informed him, as if it was really of any importance at this moment. "I was supposed to be in by seven thirty. I suppose nothing major has happened, though, since nobody paged." Addison sighed in relief, before spotting her shirt lying on the ground. When she had gone to the bar, she hadn't brought her pager with her. "Okay, I don't have my pager," she said, just to fill the silence.

Derek looked at Addison, slightly amused. "You're panicking," he mused. "You never panic…" He looked at her closer, and squinted his eyes as if that would help him see her better. "You're panicking!" he declared.

"Am not," Addison muttered as she searched for her clothes. Why was it, she wondered angrily, that people never think to fold their clothes neatly in a pile before they have sex, and instead leave them strewn all over the place? Derek snorted at her response, and she turned on him, momentarily giving up her search for her skirt. "What, and you're not?" she demanded.

"A little," he admitted, before pointing out where her skirt was lying. Her shoes were easily found, her panties and bra less so, but after a few minutes she had all of her clothes lying in one pile on the floor. Her clothes found, she had nothing else to do to distract herself from the present situation. In the last twelve hours, she had gone from a successful woman in control of her life, dating a wonderful man, to a single woman, who was lonely and scared out of her mind and had just slept with her ex-husband.

She needed to think about what to do, and Derek's gaze, along with the fact that she was naked, wasn't helping. "Okay, I need to take a shower, and then call Richard and apologize for being so late. Then I'll take a taxi to work, and we can deal with this later, when we're both not hours late for work." Derek, previously lost in thought, nodded. "You need to turn around," Addison informed him, and Derek looked at her questioningly. "The trailer's bathroom can barely be considered one, and I'm going to take a shower," she said in explanation.

"I've seen you naked thousands of times."

Derek's statement made Addison feel slightly ridiculous, but she was unwilling to relent. "Yeah, well things are different now," she said angrily, taking out her anger on Derek, though she knew that their actions had been at least as much her fault as his. Muttering objections, Derek turned around and waited for her to get into the shower. As the warm water poured over Addison, she struggled to make sense of what had happened. She and Derek had seen each other at Joe's, had emotional break downs, somehow ended up at the trailer and had hot sex. At the time, when all Addison had wanted in the whole world was to be with Derek, the consequences hadn't seemed that great. Now, as she stood in the shower, trying to remain calm, she adamantly wished she hadn't done it.

Ironically, Addison half wished that she hadn't been sober when she had slept with Derek. At least that way she could blame her actions on being intoxicated, not on any desire for her ex-husband, or any desire on Derek's part for her. Rethinking it, Addison realized that she was glad she had been sober. If she hadn't been, sure, she'd have an excuse, but then it wouldn't have happened, it wouldn't have been real. What scared Addison wasn't only their actions. It was what it might imply about them, and what would happen to Derek's relationship with Meredith.

Addison willed herself to not think about that right now, and finished the shower quickly. When she got out of the shower Derek immediately got in, hurrying to get to work, or at least out of Addison's sight. She put on yesterday's clothes, cringing at the thought that her colleagues would see her wearing the same clothes two days in a row. The staff at Seattle Grace had a flair for making stories out of the simplest events though, in all fairness, any story they made up about Addison coming to work wearing yesterday's clothes would probably be alarmingly akin to the truth.

She picked up the Derek's phone and dialed Richard's number. The phone rang twice before Richard picked up. "Hello?" he said.

"Chief!" Addison exclaimed, thrilled that Richard had picked up, and not his secretary. "I'm so sorry…my alarm didn't go off, and I misplaced my pager. I just got up—have there been any problems? I didn't have anything scheduled until the afternoon, but—"

Richard interrupted her. "Addison?" he questioned, clearly confused. "I could have sworn that it was going to be…well, never mind." Richard needed to check his call log to make sure that he had seen the number correctly, but he was almost positive that the caller ID had said Derek's name. Paired with the fact that neither of them had showed up on time, Richard decided that he needed to think before he raised any issues. "One of your patients, Rebecca Klein, went into labor. She wasn't happy to learn that you weren't available, especially when complications made it necessary to do an emergency C section, but we assured her that the on call resident was more than qualified to do the job."

"I'm so sorry," Addison apologized. "I'll personally go see her and apologize, and I will be in as soon as I can."

"You had better have a really good reason why you weren't here, Addison," Richard warned her, his impatience and anger obvious. "You and Derek had _both_ better have really good reasons."

Addison closed her eyes for a moment, praying that the Chief didn't suspect anything, but knowing in her heart that he probably had at least a very good guess as to what had happened. "I don't know what Derek's excuse is, but I can assure you that mine is excellent and not a story that you want to hear," Addison said dryly, hoping that the panic was not audible.

Richard sighed. "Just hurry, Addison," he said wearily, before adding as an afterthought, "And tell Derek that I need a consult when he gets here." Addison cringed, and told Richard that if she saw Derek, she would do so, and hung up. Though she knew that Richard probably knew what had happened, if she pretended that it hadn't happened, maybe she could bide a bit of time. She needed to think about what had happened.

After a minute of contemplation, Addison decided that she needed some coffee. Coffee always helped her think clearer and it wasn't as if she could leave anyway, since she didn't have a car. Besides, she needed to talk to Derek about what had happened, at least briefly.

By the time Derek was out of the shower and dressed, Addison had made a pot of coffee and a few pieces of toast from stale bread she had found. Derek raised his eyebrows—he hadn't expected Addison to still be in the trailer by the time he was out of the shower. He had expected her to flee, to take time to think about what had happened. Honestly, he wasn't sure if he wanted her here. In the shower he had been thinking, and he was confused—on the one hand, he was sure he loved Addison. On the other hand, Meredith was a great person, and she deserved better than to have this happen to her. He needed to figure out what exactly had happened between him and Addison, but he had hoped that this confrontation could be delayed a few days, or at least a few hours.

"What are you doing here?" he demanded, and Addison knew that he wasn't thrilled to see her.

"I don't have a car," she reminded him defensively. "I can't leave until you decide to drive me to either the hospital, or my house so that I can get my car."

"You can't take a cab?" he asked pointedly.

Addison decided to not answer that question. "Richard told me to tell you he needs a consult when you get to the hospital," she told him.

Derek spun around from where he had been pouring coffee. "You told the _Chief_?" he shouted. "Oh, that's just what I need. Great…nice going, Addison." Derek looked at Addison, and for a second wished that he hadn't yelled at her. Addison was a very collected person and, even when she was emotionally a mess, it wasn't noticeable unless you looked very carefully. Now, wearing last night's crumpled clothes, no makeup, and her hair dripping wet, she looked the anything but collected.

"I didn't tell Richard!" Addison exclaimed, angrily, "He just knew. Look, Derek, all I need is a ride to the hospital, and then you won't have to deal with me anymore. I don't have any cash, so I can't take a cab, and I can't afford to waste the time to go home first. Once we're at the hospital, we can exist in silence—we're good at doing that. Just do this one last thing for me, and then I'll be out of your life."

Derek put down his coffee and walked to the small closet. He spent a minute going through his clothes, and finally he found what he was looking for. He pulled out a dark green dress and threw it at Addison, who somehow managed to catch it while holding a cup of coffee. "Nobody has to know this happened," he told her, and left the room so that she could change. When she exited the trailer she looked a lot more presentable. Though her hair was still dripping wet, the dress was pretty and unwrinkled. To her relief, her wet hair and lack of makeup would be less noticeable since it was raining out.

They got into the car and drove to the hospital in silence. Addison wanted to tell Derek so many things—that she loved him, that she didn't exactly regret last night, though she knew that she should, and that she was confused and scared. She wanted to tell him that she didn't know what to do, and she wanted to ask him where things were going with Meredith. She wanted to do so many things but, in the uncomfortable, repressive silence of the car, she was able to say none of them.

Pulling into the parking lot, in a space far enough away that nobody would be able to see them get out of the same car, Derek turned to Addison. "Nobody has to know," he repeated softly, before walking away at a quick pace, one which Addison did not care to try and match.

Slowly she made her way into the hospital, and then up to her office where she found a very angry Callie waiting for her. "Where were you?" Callie demanded. "I spent all morning trying to figure out if you were okay. You didn't come home last night, but your stuff was there, so I knew that you had been home at some point. I figured you had just gone out to dinner, and it was no big deal. And this morning, when you don't show up, and you weren't answering your pages, and nobody knew where you were…and nobody could find Derek too…do you have any idea how worried I was?"

Addison cut Callie off. "I screwed up, I know," she said wearily, then adding under her breath, "You have no idea how much I screwed up."

"Care to share?" Callie asked curiously, her anger now put aside. "Because I'm dying to know where you were, and I'm sure that I'm not the only one…" Callie trailed off, looking at Addison. "You're not wearing any makeup! And you're hair's wet!" she exclaimed suddenly.

"It was raining out," Addison answered blandly. She opened up her desk, grabbed a container of makeup out of the front drawer, walked to the mirror on her wall, and started carefully applying makeup.

"_Nobody's_ hair is that wet from just walking from the parking lot, and it's impossible for all of your makeup to have washed off," Callie said bluntly. "Besides, it rains a lot in Seattle, and it isn't as if every day you arrive here like this."

Addison turned around, mascara in hand, and glared at Callie. She closed her eyes for a second so that she could regain composure before speaking. "Callie, if you are my friend then you won't press me on this. Please, just not now." Addison realized that she was begging, but was beyond caring—her day had been horrible so far, and it was showing no sign of improving. Waking up in the trailer had brought back memories that she had tried to banish, but that wasn't really what had made it horrible. What had made it horrible was the way Derek had looked at her and told her that nobody has to know.

Callie gave Addison a curious look, but didn't press the issue any more. Once Addison decided that she looked presentable, she went to apologize to Rebecca Klein. Luckily for her, Mrs. Klein was so happy that her baby was safe that she wasn't actually that mad, and she took Addison's apology without demanding anything more. Right as she was leaving, she received a page saying that one of the babies in the NICU was crashing.

Hurrying to the OR, she saw Derek in the elevator. They remained completely silent, each glancing at the other when they thought that the other wasn't looking. Though the elevator ride was only about a minute long, by the time she exited the elevator, Addison felt emotionally exhausted. She spent the next two hours in emergency surgery where, luckily, the baby lived, though the prospect for the future wasn't terribly bright, and the baby would have a long and hard recovery ahead.

Though it was only the early afternoon, around two, Addison decided to lie down instead of have lunch—she wasn't hungry and she needed some time alone to think. Not bothering to knock on the door of the on call room, Addison flung open the door. To her horror, what she saw was a very naked Derek on top of a very naked Meredith. Mesmerized, for a second she stared at them as they tried to cover themselves up with one very thin, white sheet. When she didn't turn around and leave immediately, Derek glared at her. "Addison!" he hissed, and suddenly she realized where she was.

"Well, glad to see you two patched things up," she said bitterly, before turning around and slamming the door behind her. Addison glared at all of the people who had been watching the spectacle, and calmly walked away. She felt numb, and it was if what she had seen had not completely registered in her mind. Last night Derek had told her he loved her—today he was having sex with Meredith in an (unlocked) on call room? Not that she hadn't expected Derek to go back to Meredith, because she had, but some deep down part of her had hoped that perhaps this was their chance together. Furthermore, she had expected Derek to at least have the decency to talk about what had happened before doing anything like that.

A tap on the shoulder caused her to stop. "Wow," Mark said, and Addison nodded in agreement. "I guess it was so urgent that they couldn't be bothered to lock the door…talk about tacky!"

Despite herself, Addison found herself smiling, albeit a sad smile. "Yeah, well, denial will do that to you," she told him without thinking about her words. She started to walk away, because Mark was about the third last person on the planet she wanted to see right now, directly after Meredith and Derek, but Mark wasn't so easily gotten rid of.

"I'm going to take a guess and say that it wasn't denial as much as a desperate attempt to prove that he didn't make the wrong decision when he decided to give up on your marriage months ago," he said wisely. Addison stopped short, looked for a place to hide and, noticing a supply closet a few feet away, opened the door and pushed Mark into it, before stepping in after him. "I get you're upset, but isn't this a bit much?" Mark asked, his tone mocking and his eyes laughing.

"How much do you know?" Addison asked deadpan. If she knew Mark at all, she knew that he knew something that she didn't want him to.

Mark snorted. "Do you take me for an idiot?" he asked, trying to avoid the question. When Addison still looked at him without backing down, he sighed. "Seriously, Addison. You and Derek show up to work at eleven. You get out of the same car, and he walks quickly away so that you two won't be seen together. He looks confused, and you look heartbroken…and, since I've seen you look like that once before, there's no mistaking that look. What did he say to you, exactly?"

Addison closed her eyes and breathed deeply for a second. "He said that nobody has to know," she whispered finally, "And, Mark, nobody knows so far except for you."

"Nobody will learn from me," he told her, and she sighed in relief. "I get it, you know," he continued. "I get knowing that you're going to regret your actions in the morning, but not caring because you want for just one moment to be happy. I get it."

Nodding, Addison tried to smile. "I'm sorry, Mark, I just need to be alone right now. I need to think." Mark nodded, and Addison opened the door to the supply closet. Spotting Alex Karev right outside of the door, she groaned audibly.

"You seem to have a pattern that you fall into so easily," Alex said mockingly and, had she been less in shock from what she had seen, she would have had to resist the urge to hit him. "Derek and Meredith get together, and then you flee to Mark…"

Tiredly, Addison sighed again. "What do you want, Karev?" she said, fighting to keep her voice calm. The numbness was wearing off quickly, and being replaced with anger and hurt. She felt as if Prom was happening all over again, only of course it wasn't. Addison's whole world was falling down around her, and she didn't know how to remain calm any more, didn't know how to act as if she was okay.

"Care to help me get off scut?" Alex asked. "I was supposed to be with you today, but you didn't show up, so the Nazi has me doing sutures instead of scrubbing in on an emergency C-section." Addison took a moment to respond—how was she supposed to respond? How was she supposed to go on with her life like it hadn't happened, as Derek had suggested? How was she supposed to pretend that she was okay? Reminding herself to be calm and breathe, Addison thought back to when she had first came to Seattle—before she had any friends aside from Richard and Adele, when everybody, including Derek, had hated her, and when she was trying to convince him to give it another try.

She thought carefully for a moment, thinking about how she had introduced herself to Meredith. She had been an ice queen…that was it. She had pretended to be okay on the outside, pretended that nothing could bother her, and had boldly told Meredith that it had been her who had cheated on Derek first. She had been kind, and compassionate, and icy all at once. If she could put on that act before, she thought she had a good chance of succeeding with it now.

"Sure," she told Alex, and for a brief moment he smiled at her before thanking her. They walked to the NICU together to check on the babies, and because Addison always liked the solidarity of the NICU. The remainder of the day was spent in the NICU and a delivery room. When the baby was finally out, Addison found herself close to tears. "Excuse me…I'll just be a minute," she said and quickly left the room, fighting tears.

Hearing footsteps behind her, Addison sped up. "Dr. Montgomery! Addison!" she heard Alex say from feet behind her. Spinning around and blinking her eyes quickly, she crossed her arms protectively over her chest.

"I said I needed a moment," Addison said.

Alex looked slightly embarrassed, but he continued on. "I don't know what happened," Alex told Addison, who shot him a questioning look. "I don't know what happened," he continued, "I mean, I've heard the rumors, but…" he trailed off. "That's not the point. The point is, I don't know what happened, but I've been with you all afternoon, and you look like shit."

"Thanks, Karev," she snapped. "I really needed that right now. Thank you."

He looked down, embarrassed. "I'm not saying this well," he said finally. "What I'm trying to say is that, if you just survive this—whatever you're going through now—if you survive this, then the worst is over. I mean, you can have the worst crap happen to you, and you can get over it…all you have to do is survive."

Addison thought back to when, the day before Derek said officially that their marriage was over, while in surgery with a baby whose mother was going to juvi and whose grandparents were too clueless to know that their child was pregnant, Alex had said the same thing to her. "I've heard that before," she noted.

"It's still true." Addison turned away for a minute, and when she turned back around, Alex had left. Gratefully she made her way to the locker room, quickly changed, grabbed her pager, and walked outside. If anybody needed her they could page—if it wasn't urgent, she couldn't deal with it right now.

Addison walked along the side of the hospital until she found a place where she could safely hide and that was out of the rain. She leaned against the wall, letting her head hit with a dull thud, and closed her eyes. Tears silently flowed down her cheeks, and she wiped at them, frantically trying to remove them. She didn't know what she wanted. She wanted Derek, but she wanted him to be happy, and if happy meant being with Meredith, she could live with that, even thought it would hurt. It wasn't fair—all she had done was sleep with Mark, and she got this whole mess as a reward. It was a mistake, but she had repented and tried to fix it every way possible though, she reasoned, not all wounds are healable.

"Are you hiding?" a voice, Derek's, asked. Addison turned around, startled.

"Get the hell away from here, Derek," Addison demanded, pointing in the direction of the door of the hospital.

He sighed. "Addie..." he began, but Addison cut him off.

"Oh no you don't!" she exclaimed. "You can't do this to me, you can't reason with me, and you can't do anything at all to make this better, any of it. Just get away, Derek. This is painful…all of this, especially watching you make love to Meredith before we had even talked about what happened. That was particularly charming…Thank you for that, Derek. You really do know how to make me feel even better about myself, don't you? I guess it was a perk of being married to me for so long, perhaps the only one from your point of view. Now you know where to hurt me the most just when I need it. Congratulations."

Derek reached for Addison's hand and held it tight, even when she tried to pull away. Addison forced herself to look at Derek, and the look of desperation and despair on Addison's face took Derek by surprise. "What do you want me to do, Addison?" he asked softly. "Do you want to talk? Do you want to pretend that this never happened?"

Addison laughed disdainfully. "Me? What do I want?" she asked, as much for herself as for Derek. "I don't want to pretend anything," she said finally, her voice ragged and exhausted. Was that true, Addison wondered. Did she really want to not pretend that this had happened? Did she really want to face reality, to have Derek slap her in the face when he, once again, chose Meredith over her? No, she didn't, but she was done keeping secrets.

"You want everyone to know?" he questioned mockingly. "I mean, this would bring your nickname Satan's whore to a new level entirely."

The rain fell heavily all around them, and Addison was glad. She would have felt as if some higher being was mocking her if it had been a cloudless sky, a rare event in Seattle. "No, Derek," she said tiredly, not angry though she knew she should have been. "I don't want everybody else to know, not unless you want them to. What I want is for us to not pretend any longer. We pretended for the last several years of our marriage—first that we weren't growing apart, then later that we were actually trying to patch things up."

"No more pretending," Derek repeated, and Addison nodded tearfully. They lapsed into silence, Addison crying not terribly softly, and Derek just looking blankly around them. He couldn't do this to Addison—he couldn't watch her like this, not in any sort of good conscience. "Should I tell Meredith?" he asked quietly.

"That's your decision," Addison said thorough sobs, and then all conversation stopped again.

After a moment, Derek spoke again. "If this was a matter of choosing, Meredith would win," he said softly, causing Addison to pull her hand away from his and turn away. Derek grabbed Addison's shoulders and gently turned her around. "I want Meredith to be the one, because it makes everything so much simpler, but I don't think she is. I can't say that last night was entirely a mistake, though I wish I could say that I was heartbroken and confused and that you were just a mistake. I just…just…I just need time to decide, because if I make the decision too quickly then I'll never be able to forgive myself, and I'll never be able to forgive you."

"And what do you want me to give you, Derek? Time? You want me to just wait until you decide, until you chose the lucky winner, and then I can resume my life?" Derek nodded, and Addison shrugged. "I don't know if I can do that, Derek. If you want to give you and Meredith another shot, then by all means do so, but you can't ask me to just wait around as backup, as an extra choice incase something happens between you two. I love you, but I'm not _that_ desperate."

"So you're going to force me to decide here and now?" Derek asked sadly. If push came to shove he knew what he would decide—he'd known that for months—but he just didn't feel up to making any sort of decision right now.

"No," Addison said sadly. "I should be the bigger person and remove myself from this. I shouldn't have let this happen, shouldn't have let it get this far. When we were married, I knew you loved Meredith, but I didn't pull out, even though I knew I should have. I didn't pull out, and as a result I hurt everybody around us. It's my fault, and I'm sorry…so I know what I should do now, but I can't do it. You get time, or whatever." Great, Addison thought, now she was sounding like the interns, who couldn't find the proper noun to use most of the time and so they settled on "whatever" or "stuff" or "something."

Derek sighed heavily. Though he was pretty sure that this wasn't the right choice, he knew that he wouldn't be able to live with himself if he decided otherwise. "I can't do this to Meredith," he said after a moment. "She doesn't deserve it."

"She doesn't," Addison agreed sadly. "She's a good person…so, I guess you've made your decision."

"I guess I have," Derek muttered, and Addison tried to pull away from Derek. "Perhaps we're too damaged for other people," he informed Addison, who now looked at him, clearly confused.

"Derek, I don't get it…I thought you chose Meredith?" Addison asked.

"I need to give it another try with Meredith," Derek informed Addison bluntly. "I gave you another chance, and Meredith deserves one too. I'm not asking you to put your life on hold for me…I'm asking you to move on so that I can. If you're happy, then I know that I can be, and if you continue to stay here and try and fight for us, even when there is no hope, then I can't be with Meredith because I'll always hate myself for not trying harder with you. I need to be with Meredith, Addison, just like you need to be with Mark."

Furious, Addison pulled away from Derek. "I thought you understood!" she raged. "You acted like you understood, and I get you staying Meredith because she's a great person, but you have all the wrong reasons! You don't choose somebody because it's the easy decision; you choose them because they're right for you. Mark was the easy choice for me. You don't think that I didn't want Mark to be the one? That I wanted to have his child, that I wanted to love him the way I think he loves me? I can't be with Mark because it just wasn't right, and if you still can't see it, then I don't know what to say. You can go off with Meredith, but you can't throw Mark in my face every time you're presented with an opportunity. I hurt you, I hurt him, I ruined everything, and maybe it's because I'm a horrible person, maybe it's because I really am Satan.

"I can't give up on us, Derek, not simply to please you, because I love you even when I try not to. Don't get me wrong, I've tried to, I've tried to move on, but don't ask me to move on simply as a favor to you. I don't let people walk over me, and I don't let people tell me what to do, and I don't others make my decisions, even if I would be happier if somebody else did. So, by all means, go back to Meredith, but don't expect me to simply give up because you tell me to, and don't tell me to go back to Mark. If I kill myself fighting, then so be it, because at least I'll know I died for something I believed in. That's the difference between us, Derek. You choose the easy way out, and I fight for what I believe in."

Derek stared at Addison, awestruck. When mad, she was a force to be reckoned with. Derek was mad at Addison, but some part of him told him that he deserved it. "So you're going to fight for us?" Derek questioned.

"I'll do whatever the hell I want to do, Derek, and, frankly, if I never spoke to you again, you'd deserve it…and, I suppose, since I can't give up, it's the next best option for you anyhow, so you should be pleased."

"What if I want to talk to you, Addie? What if I love you?" Derek asked frantically. He knew he had messed up, he knew he loved Addison, not Meredith, but also knew that Meredith was the person he wanted to choose because she wouldn't hurt him the way that Addison had.

"You lost your chance," Addison yelled, now too worked up to care who was hearing. "I'll talk to you, sure, whatever you want, just leave me alone!" With that, Addison turned around and stormed away. Not caring that she was being terrifically irresponsible, Addison got into her car and drove home. If Richard wanted to yell at her, she'd take the punishment without any fight, because all that mattered in the world right then and there was to get away from Derek.


	17. Nothing Short of a Miracle

Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's Anatomy.

A/N: I'm so sorry about the long delay! I went to Italy for almost three weeks, and then school started again and I was swamped. Please forgive me. Just a quick note about this chapter—I wanted to have a subplot going on, so I added this insight into a younger Addison. I have a list of titles of future chapters at the bottom this document, and one of the ones that I've had since I wrote chapter one was "Some Kind of Miracle." Unfortunately, I just realized when watching Grey's reruns that this was the title of a very recent new episode—I've had it written down for over four months now! But since I didn't want to have the same title, I changed this chapter to "Nothing Short of a Miracle." The first one was better…ABC thought so too.

**Nothing Short of a Miracle**

Addison was in a decidedly good mood. She knew she shouldn't be, with all that had happened in her life lately, but when times become bad it is easy to take pleasure in the simplest things. Today Addison had gotten up and found that Callie had made pancakes (admittedly for George, but he was willing to share). She had found an earring that she thought she had lost, and she had delivered one healthy baby. While these feats might seem like small miracles, they were all Addison had at the moment, and she was willing to take them without complaint.

Spotting Dr. Stevens sitting glumly in a chair at the nurses station, Addison took the binder she was looking at off of the desk, walked over to Izzie, and dropped it in Izzie's lap. "I assume you're not doing much today…?" Addison questioned, more to herself than to Izzie.

Izzie looked up at Addison bitterly. "I'm busy doing nothing," she said, her voice full of anger. "I'm being punished."

"Again?" Addison groaned. The other attendings were finally beginning to be convinced that Izzie wasn't some fragile flower that would crack under pressure, but an intern as good as any other. Addison couldn't quite believe that Izzie had somehow managed to get herself in trouble again, and she hoped that this mistake wouldn't be nearly as costly as the last.

"Apparently I'm not supposed to do good deeds," Izzie muttered. Addison raised her eyebrows and looked at Izzie questioningly. With a sigh, Izzie continued, "There's this seventeen year old girl, Heather, with VADAR syndrome, and the worst spine curvature that I've ever seen. She's miserable, and the surgery is expensive, and…" Izzie trailed off and looked down at her feet, not sure how to continue. All her good deed had done so far was get her in huge trouble with Bailey and the Chief. The last thing she needed was to have Addison, who she viewed as a friend, mad at her.

"…and you paid for the surgery," Addison finished.

"How did you know?" she asked as she looked up, astonished. Looking carefully at Addison's face, Izzie noticed that Addison looked as if she had seen a ghost, and her face was several shades lighter than it had been before.

"Let me guess…the surgery is too experimental, and the insurance company refused to pay for it," Addison continued, her voice deadpan. Izzie nodded, and Addison felt her heart sink. "Richard's probably furious," Addison noted, and if Izzie hadn't known better, she would have thought that Addison was speaking from personal experience. A moment passed in silence, before Addison looked around the hall for Richard, who was studying the OR board. "I'll be right back," Addison excused herself, beginning to make for Richard.

"Can I still scrub in?" Izzie asked quickly, before the distracted Addison could get too far away.

Addison smiled halfheartedly. "Surgery's in three hours. It's a C-section with twins…if you seem to know enough, I might let you perform some of it." Izzie made a small noise out of excitement and hurried off to study, barely noticing as Addison made her way to Richard.

Richard took one look at Addison, and sighed. "Izzie Stevens—" he began, but Addison nodded, telling him that she already knew what had happened.

"I don't know the exact procedure being used, but my guess is that it costs around three hundred thousand dollars, maybe more," she told him. "That's not that horrible, all things being considered."

Richard stared at Addison, who carefully avoided looking at him. "You spent about that much, though the money was worth more at the time," he said softly, so that nobody could hear. "Or course, it's not the money that matters here. There are more important moral, ethical, and practical reasons that matter more than the money itself."

"I know," she whispered, flooded with memories.

Looking sternly at her, Richard put his hand on Addison's shoulder. "Addison, I have to know. You didn't put her up to it, did you?" Addison looked into Richard's eyes, looking crushed and betrayed. How could Richard assume that she would ask Izzie to do anything like that? And even if he didn't assume that she had asked Izzie to do it, or somehow made Izzie feel that it was her responsibility to take care of Heather, how dare Richard even ask her that question, all things being considered? Richard squeezed Addison's shoulder apologetically. "I'm sorry. I just had to be positive."

"I'm not a child anymore, Richard," Addison told him. "I wouldn't wish what I went through on anybody, especially not Izzie." She looked down at the ground, trying to control her emotions. "This was not what I needed right now," she said tiredly. Richard nodded in agreement. "When's the surgery?" she asked tiredly.

"Tomorrow morning," the Chief told Addison, who stared blankly past him. "Derek and Callie are performing it." Richard studied the OR board before he turned around and walked away, leaving Addison alone.

* * *

The next morning Addison was at the hospital bright and early. She wanted to be there for the surgery, even if something horrible happened. Richard had seen her enter the hospital, but he had the good grace to not confront Addison, figuring that she probably needed to be alone. Now, alone, she paced up and down the hall, anticipating the start of the surgery. If something went wrong, if the surgery failed, if Izzie got hurt, Addison wasn't sure what she would do. She couldn't take many more blows without breaking down again, and she really didn't want that to happen. 

The sound of a person walking down the hall caused Addison to turn around, about to pretend that she was doing something if the person walking down the hall was an intern, resident, or attending. This was just surgery, just an operation, notwithstanding the fact it was a risky, experimental procedure. Seeing it was Derek, Addison didn't bother to pretend that she was looking for an earring back, or looking at the papers she held.

Derek watched Addison without saying anything for a moment, as she walked back up and down the hallway, lost in her own thoughts. Finally he spoke, "Addison." There was nothing more he could say, nothing that would help her through what she was going through.

Turning away from him in the hopes that Derek hadn't noticed that her blue eyes were bright with restrained tears, Addison nodded, acknowledging his presence, not sure if she could trust her voice. "Tell me it will be okay, Derek," she whispered. "Please, Derek, tell me it will be okay," she repeated, louder and more desperate.

"I can't," Derek told Addison softly, walking around her so that he could see her face, and grabbing her hand when she moved to turn around and face the other direction. "I wish I could, I _really_ wish I could, but…you know that…"

"…sometimes after a perfect surgery with no complications, people just code?" Addison finished, her voice bitter and sad. "I know."

Derek squeezed Addison's hand reassuringly. "Will you be okay?" he asked.

"Do I have any choice?" was the quiet response. Addison attempted a smile, but gave up quickly. "I have to get Richard to find somebody to cover for me incase somebody goes into labor. Only an absolute emergency will keep me from watching the surgery." A look from Derek told her that he wasn't sure that watching would be such a great idea, but she glared at him. "I have to see it, Derek."

"Take care of yourself, Addison," Derek said with as much of a smile as he could muster, before he turned and walked away. He had to get ready for surgery and, with Addison on his mind, he needed to find some way to calm down so that he didn't worry himself into making a real mistake.

Addison paced some more, found Richard, who had already arranged for a senior resident to take her cases unless it was an emergency that required her, and went to the observation deck. The deck was relatively quiet because, even though experimental surgery normally drew a crowd, the fact that it was a weekend and an early hour made people less enthusiastic about watching. Noticing that Izzie was sitting alone in a corner, Addison hesitated for a moment before crossing the room and sitting down next to her.

They sat in silence for over an hour until, just as the surgery was starting, Izzie played nervously with a piece of her hair and said, "Oh, this should have been my surgery! I should have been allowed to scrub in."

Addison grimaced and looked Stevens in the eye. "You don't want to scrub in on this surgery," she told Izzie earnestly. "Trust me." Izzie looked at her curiously, but Addison chose to not volunteer any more information, instead staring intently at the incision that Callie was currently making.

Derek, for a moment allowing his mind to wander, turned his eyes to the observation deck, and scanned the rows for Addison. He found her sitting in one corner of the room next to Doctor Stevens, and watched Stevens look at Addison questioningly. After a moment Addison looked at Derek and saw him staring at her. Their eyes locked briefly before Derek looked back down at his work. Addison was glad when he stopped looking at her, not only because she wanted him concentrating on the patient, but because she was afraid that her eyes would betray too much of her fear.

The people around Addison and Izzie talked quietly to themselves, unaware that to Izzie and Addison this was anything but a normal surgery. Addison was annoyed by the noise around them, but at the same time she felt it comforting. "Don't you have cases today?" Addison heard somebody ask, and it was a moment before she realized that the question was being addressed to her.

Turning to face Izzie, Addison shook her head. "I got a resident to cover me unless there is an emergency," she said. "I had to see this."

"Why?" Izzie asked. "Because it's experimental?"

Addison shrugged. "I guess." She bit her lip, unsure if she should tell Izzie the truth. Suddenly she saw Derek curse look at the heart rate monitor, a worried expression on his face. Though she couldn't see what it said, Addison cursed and had to fight the overwhelming urge to cover her face and not watch. "Heather has to live," she muttered to herself. "Heather has to live because this can't happen to both of us, because one of us has to succeed." Izzie looked at Addison in confusion, but only briefly because she too was busy trying to figure out what exactly was going on.

After a moment Derek and Callie sighed, and Addison knew that the emergency was over.

Glancing over to watch Izzie, Addison saw that Izzie was biting her nails nervously. "When I was a resident, I met a patient who needed expensive, experimental surgery and couldn't afford it. The insurance company wouldn't pay, and…and I had money. Money has never been something that I've needed to worry about, and to watch Jeremy, that was his name, at fifteen not get treatment simply because he couldn't afford it opened up a whole new world to me," Addison said so softly that it was almost a whisper.

Izzie turned to look at Addison, opened her mouth as if to say something, but closed it quickly, an odd expression on her face. "It was anonymous, and to this day I can count the amount of people who knew about it on one hand—Derek, Mark, Richard, Derek's sister Nancy, and my best friend Savvy…maybe six if you count Savvy's husband, though I never told him. Derek, Nancy and Mark grew up comfortable, but never the way I was, and they were puzzled by what I had done, though in retrospect I think they understood why I did it. Richard was livid because he, as an attending, thought that I had violated every rule in the book. But, you see, none of it mattered because I was convinced that I was going to turn around the life of Jeremy."

"Oh God," Izzie breathed in heavily. She had a good idea where this story was going, and wasn't sure that she liked it.

"He coded on the table at the very end of the procedure," Addison whispered, by now only half aware that she was speaking aloud.

"I'm so sorry," Izzie told Addison, not sure how she was supposed to react. How were you supposed to act when a friend, your boss, tells you a story like that?

Addison fingered the end of the sleeve of her doctor's coat. "I don't for one moment regret paying for the surgery, though I'm sure it was completely unethical. I have no doubt that it was the right thing to do, no doubt that it offered him possibilities that he wouldn't be able to ever have otherwise. If I hadn't paid then he would have had weeks, maybe months, that's it…but a month can be a lot of time. No, I knew the risks, he knew the risks, his parents knew the risks, and we all thought that they were worth taking. I don't regret what I did, but I will forever feel responsible for his death. I scrubbed in, I was there. He shouldn't have coded…even the autopsy revealed nothing. Sometimes people just…die…they just die, and there is no explanation for it."

Izzie tilted her head and thought about what Addison had told her for a moment. "Why are you telling me this?" she questioned softly and received a shrug in reply.

"I needed to tell somebody, I guess," Addison muttered, embarrassed, "And you were here, and I thought that you'd understand…" she trailed off and Izzie didn't try to pry. The room got louder as more people entered, and George, Meredith and Alex all came and sat down on the other side of Izzie. A few months ago Addison would have found the situation awkward but now, with the possible exception of Meredith, Addison was comfortable around the interns. Besides, Addison reminded herself when her mind slipped to the issue of Meredith while watching the surgery, she was trying to become comfortable around Meredith. It wasn't Meredith's fault that every time Addison saw Meredith and Derek together her heart sunk, and it wasn't Meredith's fault that, though she'd deny it if anybody asked her, she was jealous of Meredith, jealous that Meredith had what she once had had.

When the surgery was over, Addison fled from the observation deck. The surgery had been a success and, though recovery loomed ahead, that was something to be grateful for. Walking down the stairs, Addison waited for Derek to exit the operating room; when he finally did come out, Addison flung her arms around his neck, unable to contain herself. "Thank you," she whispered, on the verge of tears.

Derek stared at her head, startled, before deciding to hug her back. Even if nothing would ever be the same between them, Addison was still his best friend and, no matter how much he tried to hate her, it was impossible. Forgetting that he was in a public place, Derek hugged Addison tighter and leaned his head against hers. For a moment everything was okay, until Derek saw Meredith out of the corner of his eye.

"Just great," Meredith exclaimed loudly, horrified. "You're unbelievable, Derek!" Addison quickly pulled away from Derek, and watched Derek open his mouth to form some argument pronouncing his love and fidelity. Before he said anything, Derek glanced at Addison, and suddenly closed his mouth. With an exasperated sigh, Meredith turned around and stormed away—neither Addison nor Derek could blame her.

Addison pursed her lips in thought. "Will we ever be okay, Derek?" she asked. "Will we ever reach the point where not everything is awkward? Are we even supposed to? I mean, normally when people get divorced they don't exactly run to their ex-husband and try to become friends again."

"What are they supposed to do, then, Addison?"

"Run off with the dirty mistress," Addison stated bitterly, before realizing what she had said. "Sorry," she apologized, though she really had no need to, since Derek was laughing hysterically. "What's so funny?" she demanded irritably.

Derek shook his head. "Nothing," he sputtered, and Addison didn't say anything until his laughter had died, unable to find the humor in what she had just said.

"You had better find Meredith and apologize," she informed him. "She's going to kill you." When she had been married to Derek, she had seen him and Meredith hug, exchange looks, and even kiss. Though at first she had acted as if it didn't bother her, by the end she had broken down and yelled at Derek in front of a good portion of the staff at Seattle Grace, much to her embarrassment. For Meredith's sake, Addison hoped that Meredith yelled at Derek in a more discrete place.

Derek looked down at the floor, thinking. With Meredith he could imagine what tomorrow would be like, and the day after it, and next week. But could he imagine a life with Meredith? Could he imagine in ten years waking up and seeing Meredith in his bed? A year ago he had thought that Meredith was the one, that Addison was lost forever, but now he knew this was not the case. With Addison he couldn't imagine waking up tomorrow, or the day after it, or even next month—however, he also couldn't imagine in ten years, or even two, not being with her.

Seeing the look in Derek's eyes, Addison knew that something had happened, but was unable to tell what. Instead of fretting over it, Addison hugged Derek and whispered into his ear again, "Thank you," before turning around and walking towards Richard's office. She had to tell him that she was ready to take any case they threw at her, now. Actually, she felt as if she could fly, and even her encounter with Meredith while she was hugging Derek seemed insignificant compared to the fact that Izzie's patient had lived.

Heather had lived…Izzie's patient had lived and, while this didn't make Addison's loss any less great, it gave Addison hope. Entering Richard's office, Addison practically glowed. "Richard!" she exclaimed, opening the door to his office without checking to make sure that nobody was inside. "Oh, sorry," she said when she saw two other people in the office with Richard.

The Chief looked up at Addison. "I heard," he said simply, and offered her a smile, which she returned, "However, I'm in a meeting now, so I really can't discuss it now. Do you think you could stop by my office later?" Addison nodded, still apologizing for entering without knocking, and turned around to leave. Right before she closed the door, she heard her name being shouted. "Addison!" Richard exclaimed. "I almost forgot—you have a visitor waiting for you in the cafeteria."

"Oh?" Addison questioned curiously, but Richard just asked her to close the door on her way out. Addison quickly made her way down to the cafeteria, and searched for somebody who she recognized. She saw lots of people, but most were employees at Seattle Grace.

"Addison?" a voice called out, and Addison spun around. She would recognize that voice anywhere, but to wish for the owner of that voice to be in Seattle was too much to wish for.

"Savvy!" Addison exclaimed, rushing to hug her best friend. "You didn't tell me that you were going to be in Seattle! I would have made plans, or arranged to take tomorrow off, or…" Realizing that she was rambling, Addison stopped herself and examined her friend. "You look good!" she told Savvy, and she meant it. Despite the radical surgery that Savvy had underwent a last year which had included an oophorectomy and a double mastectomy, Savvy looked better than before—certainly happier and more alive.

Sitting down in a chair and gesturing for Addison to do the same, Savvy smiled. "Thanks. You do too."

"Is Weiss here?" Addison wanted to know.

"Nope—he's in Europe for the week on business, and I decided to come and visit you instead of stay alone in New York. I have lots of vacation time for this year, plus if I agree to meet with some lawyer for a few hours in Seattle I can get my hotel paid for, as well as only have to spend four vacation days on a seven day trip."

Addison grinned. "Very nice," she told her friend. "Listen, do you have a place to stay? Because I bought a house, and it has lots of extra rooms, especially since only two and a half people live in it." Savvy raised her eyes questioningly at the mention of two and a half people living in Addison's house, and Addison blushed. "Well, there's me," she explained, "And Callie…that's the resident I was telling you about who lived in a hotel until I offered her a room…and then Callie's boyfriend George, who is an intern here, lives there about half of the time. So that's two and a half."

Before she had time to say anything else, Addison's pager went off—she was needed in the NICU. "Listen, I have to go," Addison said hastily, "But if you're free for dinner tonight we can talk then. I want to hear all about what's happened in New York."

Savvy nodded in agreement. "That sounds good." She grinned, "I'll go bother Derek and Mark for the rest of the day until you're free. They'll both be shocked—plus I've been meaning to ask Mark for ages now about his New Years experience. And maybe I'll find that pretty blonde intern who was on my case last year and say hello, since she seemed skeptical that what I did was the right thing."

Addison quickly said goodbye and hurried to the NICU. She couldn't afford to have her good day spoiled because she had killed some poor, innocent baby because she was too busy gossiping with Savvy about Mark and Izzie. Perhaps sometimes, just when you need it the most, miracles do happen, Addison mused as she walked up the stairs. According to a host of angry nurses waiting for the only working elevator, since one was down for repairs, the elevator had been stopped between floors for close to twenty minutes now.


	18. Confrontations

Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's Anatomy.

A/N: Sorry for the delay posting this…I had term papers to write. I'm really busy until the end of the school year, but I'm going to try and be better about posting until finals come. Anyway, I worked hard on this, so please review!

**Confrontations**

Addison sat down on her couch and motioned for Savvy to do the same. Dinner had been fun, though not terribly enlightening for either of them, since they had spent most of it gossiping about people they knew in New York—whenever Savvy had approached the topic of Seattle, Addison had answered with, "I'll tell you later. Today is too good a day to spoil with my troubles." Savvy's suitcase safely in Addison's guest bedroom, the time had come for them to talk and, though part of Addison didn't want to tell Savvy what had happened, the other part of her screamed to share it with somebody.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Savvy asked, her eyes questioning, once they were both well situated on the couch with cups of tea on the coffee table in front of them.

Picking up her tea, Addison stared at it for a moment before putting it back down without taking a sip. Shrugging, Addison dismissed the question and switched the subject. "Later," she told Savvy, "So, how is Weiss?"

"He's good, thanks," Savvy said, her voice impatient. "How are you?" she asked, not even trying to be subtle. Addison glared at her, and muttered something slightly incomprehensible suggesting that they talk about Weiss now and herself later, and something about not being ready to tell Savvy just yet. "Well, then will you be ready, Addie?" Savvy demanded, not as much annoyed as concerned. Before Mark, they had told each other everything…or at least, she had thought that they had.

"I'll be ready soon," Addison said, looking everywhere but at her friend's face. "You haven't told me much about your recovery yet…"

Savvy sighed. "What is soon, Addison?" she asked, disheartened. "Today? Tomorrow? Later in the week? Next year? Because every time I ask you anything about yourself you flip it around with a question about me. Yes, I underwent radical surgery and yes, I'm okay. Yes, I'm healing. So can we please talk about you for once? You still haven't told me anything about Seattle!"

Feigning annoyance, Addison rolled her eyes. "I've told you many things!" she exclaimed indignantly. "I've told you about my new house, and my roommate, and Mark's New Years experience, and Miranda Bailey, and I've told you about Preston Burke and his girlfriend, Christina. I've told you about Richard and Adele, and I've told you about Izzie, who got engaged to Denny, a heart transplant patient, the day before he died. What more can you want?"

"Addison, Mark and Derek have told me more about you in the past year than you have," Savvy said bluntly. Her voice softening, she continued, "Listen, Addie, I didn't come here to yell at you, and I didn't come here to interrogate you. I came her to talk to you and catch up with you…I feel like I hardly know my best friend any more, which is an alien feeling since we've told each other everything for, what, sixteen years, maybe more? Or, at least I told you everything…as of late I'm not sure how much you've told me, and how much you've decided to gloss over."

"I'm sorry," Addison murmured. "It's just tough to tell people about…everything."

"I know, but it's equally hard to learn from Mark, not you, that you were aborted his child," Savvy said bitterly, "And I was learned that you got divorced almost a month after it happened…a month, Addison!" Addison opened her mouth to apologize, her face expressing great sadness and regret, but Savvy cut her off, painfully aware that she probably shouldn't have spoken to Addison the way she just had. "No, I shouldn't have said that, and I'm sorry," Savvy apologized. "I really didn't come here to interrogate you, I promise. If you don't want to talk about it, you don't have to, but just let me remind you that, should you want to talk about it, I'm here to help you."

Addison nodded gratefully, and Savvy changed the subject, "So, did you know that Sophie Harriot's husband, Ron, was caught having sex with the neonatal surgeon now working in New York? I don't remember her name, but you know her…short, dark brown hair, fair skin…either way—" Addison cut Savvy off.

"—you're right," she said suddenly. "And I'm…ready…to talk about it now, if you wouldn't mind listening." Addison felt herself cringe at the thought of telling what had happened, and simultaneously feel immensely relieved that she could finally tell somebody the whole story.

"Addison, you're my best friend," Savvy informed her kindly, "This is the kind of thing I'm here for."

Sighing loudly, Addison pushed a piece of hair behind her ears, not because it needed to be there, but because she wanted something to do with her hands. "I'll try to tell it the way the nurses and interns would, since it's infinitely more amusing that way," Addison said, striving in vain for humor. "Let's start at the beginning…McWife, that's me, sleeps with McSteamy, that's Mark, and McDreamy, that's Derek…"

"They call Derek 'McDreamy'?" Savvy asked, amused. "Are you kidding?"

Addison shook her head. "Nope, one of the interns gave him that nickname, and it seems to have created a fad of giving people nicknames starting with Mc." Addison sighed again and raked her hands through her red hair. "I can't do it this way, I'm sorry, I just can't. I'm not just a spectator, I was there, I can't talk about it like it's a joke. Sure, to lots of people it is, and I've been the source of close to endless entertainment, but I can't do it right now." Savvy nodded sympathetically.

"Derek and I…we had grown apart. I think everybody knew it, but nobody wanted to believe it, and nobody really quite could believe it because we had been Derek and Addison for so long. And then one night…I…I don't know what happened. I was lonely and, before you ask, sober, and Mark was there, and Derek wasn't, and it just sort of happened. I think I had known that Mark had feelings for me for a while, but I'm not sure. Then Derek walks in, and he sees us, and he just looks at me—he doesn't shout, he doesn't throw things, he just looks at me, and walks away calmly, and then he leaves for Seattle.

"I lived with Mark for two months, which you knew, and I got pregnant with Mark's child. I wasn't even going to tell him, but then I did, and he went out and bought a calendar and marked the due date, and then he tried to convince me that he would be a good father. He wouldn't have been a good father, Savvy, and I wanted to have a baby with Derek, so I aborted the baby. I never, even for one second, assumed that things would work out the way they did."

Savvy squeezed Addison's hand comfortingly, but Addison just looked ahead calmly. To Savvy, it seemed almost as if she had gotten so used to telling this story that she had become detached from it in almost the same way the people are when they talk about a movie.

"I knew Mark was having relations with other women, but I was so desperate to think that I hadn't thrown my life away that I pretended to ignore it—and then I got a call from Richard. He told me that my husband was in Seattle, working at Seattle Grace, and that he was dating some young intern. So I went to Seattle to try to win Derek back. I knew almost instantly that it was too late, but I wasn't able to be the bigger person and admit it, so Derek and I stayed together for a year. I loved—love—Derek, but I knew he was in love with Meredith…" Addison trailed off.

"Then Prom," Savvy said softly—Mark had told her what had happened, though he hadn't even been there for the event. Mark had always had a way of learning gossip.

"Prom," Addison said, her voice detached. "Derek and Meredith, the same night that Denny died, Derek and Meredith…and then the next morning I found her panties in the pocket of Derek's tux. That was when I knew our marriage was over, and I got drunk, and I called Mark out, and then he wouldn't leave and took a job at Seattle Grace."

"Oh, Addie," Savvy said, and hugged her friend, who was still struggling to not break down.

"He didn't try to make our marriage work, Savvy," Addison whispered, a single tear escaping her eye and rolling down her face. "He wanted to be with Meredith, and only stayed with me to fulfill some sort of need to be a good person, to do the right thing, even though he didn't want to. The whole time we were married in Seattle, he couldn't keep his eyes off her, and I pretended that it didn't bother me that much, but it hurt."

"I'm sorry," Savvy whispered, unsure of what to say, because what do you tell your best friend when something like this happens? How do you apologize for not being there when your friend needed you the most, even if it was because you were undergoing surgery and live across the continent? Is there ever a correct thing to say?

"No…no, that's not the problem," Addison said so softly it was almost impossible to hear. She didn't want to lay this burden on her friend, but she simply couldn't keep it to herself any longer, could no longer do this alone and pretend to be okay. "Derek told me he loved me. A few months ago, well after the divorce, Derek showed up at my house and told me he loved me, and then again on Christmas. And when he learned the truth about when I slept with Mark the first time, that I was completely sober, and he reacted differently than I'd expected. He apologized for his behavior towards me and towards Mark, who he's treated like scum since he showed up! I just don't know what to do."

"You're not supposed to know what to do," Savvy replied reasonably, and Addison stared at her incredulously. "It wouldn't be right if you did."

Frantically wiping tears off her face, Addison couldn't help but laugh at the irony of it all. "Are you kidding?" she demanded, and Savvy shook her head. Addison continued, her voice rising though she wasn't sure who she was yelling at, who was the subject of her wrath. "He doesn't really love me…He loves Meredith. That's great for her, and she's a good person, but what did I do to deserve this? Why couldn't he have just let me go and heal on my own, without hurting me every time I start to get better? If he would just stop confusing me, I'd be able to make it better, I know I would. I'm Addison, damn it, I'm supposed to be decisive, and practical, and…not like this." Addison gestured towards herself.

"Addison, you're doing the best you can," Savvy said, not exactly sure how to comfort her friend. It was true—the Addison she had known had always been a lot more kept together, a lot less vulnerable. But, all things considered, was Addison supposed to feel bad about the way she had reacted?

Addison nodded. "And then, I'm not exactly sure how, but we became friends. Eventually I dumped Steven, not because he wasn't great, but because he wasn't right…and that same night Derek had a fight with Meredith. We met at Joe's…that's the bar across from the hospital," Addison clarified after seeing Savvy's confused expression, "…and we went back to the trailer and had…yeah." Addison blushed, embarrassed, and watched Savvy try to contain her amazement. "Its okay, reprimand me, I know, I'm a whore, I slept with Derek even though he is dating Meredith. I know, I'm a bad person, but at the time it didn't matter.

"The next morning was awkward, and then Derek told me that…that…" Addison tried to stifle a sob. "He told me that I had to go back with Mark because then he and Meredith would be able to have an okay relationship, and so that he wouldn't forever be plagued with the question 'well, what if we had tried to make it work one last time?'"

"He didn't!" Savvy exclaimed, furious. Derek was friend, but Addison would always come first.

"He did," Addison said, remarkably calm, "but, see, it gets better. Izzie Stevens paid for a patient to undergo experimental surgery to fix a horrible spine curvature because the insurance company wouldn't pay for it…remind you of anything I might have done as a resident?" Savvy nodded violently, and Addison suddenly found herself stifling laughter. "The surgery was today, right before you showed up. She lived, Savvy. Derek and Callie did the surgery and she lived. And Derek was there, you know? He was there for me in a way he hasn't been for years."

Savvy picked up her tea and took a sip, making a face because it had become cold. "Today? This happened today? Why didn't you tell me before now?" Savvy demanded.

Shrugging, Addison stood up to throw her cold tea away. "I didn't think it was important," she said.

"You didn't think it was important?" Savvy said incredulously. "You told me that you ate George's breakfast, but you didn't tell me that this had happened?"

Addison shrugged again and walked into the kitchen. "I was distracted," she said absently as she dumped her tea into the sink and watched Savvy do the same. "What do I do?" Addison asked eventually, her voice quiet and sounding almost scared, but at the same time resigned to whatever fate awaited her. "What…what do I do? I can't go on like this forever."

"Well, do you love Derek?" Savvy asked practically, though she wasn't sure if it was a completely appropriate question to ask.

"_Savvy_," Addison reprimanded, annoyed, before deciding to answer the question. "Do I want to love Derek? No, absolutely not," she began. "But do I love Derek? How can I not love him? He's…he's Derek…and even when he's a jerk, even when I hate him, I love him. But that doesn't mean that I won't be able to, someday, love another person. I'm not an idiot—I know I can't be stuck on Derek for the rest of my life and never move on. It's just that sometimes I feel as if perhaps Derek…I don't know…perhaps our feelings are reciprocal."

"Okay." Try as she might, Savvy didn't know how to respond. This was Addison's problem and only Addison knew what was best, only Addison knew how to solve it. Her job was to be supportive, and to stop Addison from doing anything stupid, but she couldn't make the decision for Addison.

"But what do I do?" Addison repeated.

Savvy searched for something to say. "You…" she started, but paused, "you…Well, you don't sleep with Derek while he's dating Meredith."

"You think?" was the sarcastic response. "Seriously, what do I do? I don't think there is a right answer."

"God, Addie, I don't know what to say. Only you know what the right answer is. Well, you and Derek, but if you could decide on what the right answer was then neither of you would be in this position." Savvy shrugged. "You know how I knew that I wanted to marry Weiss?" she asked suddenly. Addison looked at Savvy questioningly, and Savvy continued. "I knew that I couldn't imagine my life without him. I knew that even the thought of him not being there in ten years was as foreign as waking up with blue skin. Well, not quite that weird, but you get the picture."

Addison rinsed out the two mugs that they had used for tea, put them in the dishwasher, and started the load. She thought about what Savvy had said, and she wasn't sure if she liked her initial conclusion—she would have to think more carefully about what Savvy had said before she reached any sort of definitive answer. "So, you said that Ron slept with the neonatal surgeon in New York?" Addison asked, changing the topic.

Savvy nodded. "They were caught in a janitor's closet during sex by his wife," she said, deciding to be tactful and not mention the abrupt change of topic. If Addison didn't want to talk any more, then Savvy wasn't going to press her. She knew that Addison had opened up more in the last half hour than she probably had to anybody for over a year, since the beginning of this whole Mark-Addison-Derek-Meredith charade. Addison had never been a touchy-feely, let's-talk-about-our-emotions kind of person, and Savvy knew that she would tell more when she felt ready to. "Ron didn't even bother to lock the door!"

"I can think of two people in Seattle who don't even have grace to lock the door," Addison said bitterly. "And then when I unsuspectingly open the door to the on call room, what do I see but my ex-husband and the slutty intern? No, that's not fair," Addison reminded herself. "Meredith isn't slutty, exactly, and we've been getting alone remarkably well, so I'm not going to say anything bad about her. Either way, Ron and the surgeon?" Addison tried desperately to pretend that everything was okay.

"Oh, Addie!" Savvy exclaimed, resisting the urge to hug her best friend. Why was it that she had to go through so much? Sure, Addison had made a mistake, a horrible mistake, but she didn't deserve to have to pay the way she was. Addison glared at Savvy, who coughed and looked at the floor. "Right, Ron…" she attempted, but her voice trailed off, and she was unable to tell the rest of the story.

Addison sighed loudly. "Let's just go to bed," she suggested, and Savvy nodded gratefully. "We can talk in the morning, when we're not tired and everything seems happier," she suggested. Savvy nodded, and they walked to their bedrooms in silence.

Right outside her bedroom, Savvy turned around to face Addison. "I'm not going to take responsibility for what happened, but I messed up too," Savvy said suddenly.

"What do you mean?" Addison questioned, curiously.

"I knew…I mean, I didn't _know_, but I suspected…I suspected that perhaps things weren't right between you and Derek. I could have intervened back when it would have done some good; I could have pointed it out to Derek that he was spending more time at the hospital than with you. I could have pointed out to you that you and Derek needed to fix it. I couldn't have done anything, and yet I could have done something."

Addison looked at her hands. "You couldn't have done anything, Savvy. I did what I did, and I have to live with it. It wasn't your fault."

"No, it wasn't," Savvy agreed. "But my mother was sick for so long, and her health was deteriorating, and I was preoccupied. If it had been any other time, I would have done something, but it wasn't any other time, and…"

"You couldn't have changed what happened, Savvy," Addison said, her voice deadpan, because though part of her knew it was true, the other half of her had wondered before if Savvy had said something, would everything have stopped between Derek and her before it became too late.

"We'll never know," Savvy said with a shrug, "But that doesn't stop me from feeling guilty for not trying." With that, Savvy entered her bedroom and shut the door, leaving Addison to walk down the hall to her own room. It took Addison about five minutes to get ready for bed and, though prior to getting in bed she had not felt tired, the second she lay down she felt exhausted. She was asleep within minutes.

In the morning, Addison woke up to the sound of her alarm clock. Groaning, she got out of bed, showered, blow-dried her hair, and went downstairs to see what there was for breakfast. Upon entering the kitchen, Addison was startled to see Savvy, Callie, and George all sitting around the table in her eat-in kitchen eating eggs and toast. "Who cooked?" Addison asked, helping herself to a piece of toast and eggs, more out of politeness than actual hunger.

"Savvy," Callie and George answered simultaneously, causing Addison and Savvy to laugh.

"You didn't have to get up this early, you know," Addison informed her friend, who was already dressed and looked ready to start her day. "It's only six forty and we have work, but you're on vacation."

Savvy shrugged. "I wanted to get a ride to the hospital," she said simply. "I have to catch up with Derek and Mark."

Addison sat down at the table and made a noise that on a less attractive woman might have been considered a snort. "Well, good luck with that," she said sarcastically, causing the other three people at the table to look at her. "What?" she demanded. "It's true. Mark's…well, he's Mark, and he's too busy terrorizing interns to talk. Derek will just pretend you're invisible."

"Mark will talk to me," Savvy said confidently, "And it doesn't matter if Derek talks or not, because I plan to yell. He has a few things that he is accountable for that he seems to not want to take responsibility for…plus there is something personal I need to ask him about…" she said vaguely. After a small pause and a questioning look from Addison she added, "Plus Weiss wants to know why he never calls, and Nancy wants him to know that if he doesn't visit soon, she's coming to Seattle. I figure that will get a response out of him."

Callie regarded Savvy curiously. "You don't seem like the yelling, scary type," she remarked absently.

"You have no idea," Addison laughed. "She's not, but when she gets mad enough to yell she's a force to be reckoned with."

George rolled his eyes. "Completely unlike you," he muttered, receiving two amused stare and one annoyed one.

"I am your boss, you know," Addison reminded George, who became visibly paler. "I was joking," she informed him, and he attempted to act as if he had known it all along, failing miserably. After a few more minutes, Addison decided that she had to leave to get to the hospital. She drove Savvy over to the hospital, since Savvy insisted that was where she wanted to go before she went sight-seeing (besides, nothing is open at seven). Addison showed Savvy where she could find Derek when he got to work, and then went to get an intern and check on her patients, leaving Savvy standing around, waiting for Derek.

Savvy waited for a half hour before deciding to get coffee. Just after adding milk to her coffee, she saw Derek hugging who she could only assume was Meredith, the slutty intern. Derek looked at her twice to make sure that he had seen the right person, before going up to her, Meredith a few steps behind. "Savvy," he said, giving her a big hug, "I hadn't expected you to be here…at the hospital…so early."

"I couldn't sleep," she said with a shrug, before tilting her head and looking at Derek. "You must be Meredith," she said, addressing the intern, who nodded. "I'm Savvy."

"Nice to meet you," Meredith said, holding out her hand, which Savvy shook.

Turning to Derek, Savvy gave him a pointed look. "How have you been?" she asked him, and he gave some noncommittal answer about being happy and glad to see her. "Listen, Derek, I really think we need to talk."

"I don't think now is the time, Savvy," Derek said evasively. "I'm at work, and there are things to do, and…"

"Derek…we need to talk," Savvy said forcefully. Seeing that she wasn't welcome right now, Meredith politely excused herself and left the two alone. "Where do people go here when they want to yell?" Savvy demanded, and Derek groaned.

"There is no need…" he began, but was cut off by Savvy.

"If you don't find me a place without people, I'll yell here with everybody watching. I don't care—I'm never going to see most of these people again my life, and those that I will see again like me enough that it won't matter. I'm going to take a guess, though, and say that you're not moving anytime soon, so if you don't want everybody here to be talking about you for months to come, find me a place where I can yell!" Savvy demanded, her voice getting louder. Had Savvy not been so deathly serious, Derek would have thought it amusing that a woman as pretty and contained looking as Savvy could be so threatening.

Derek rolled his eyes, but led Savvy in total silence half-way across the hospital to a wing that seemed to be deserted. "Savvy…" he began, but Savvy stopped him.

"Derek, you've been my friend for years, but Addie will always come first," she began. "You two…God, I don't know what to say to either of you, _especially_ you, Derek. Addie made mistakes, but you didn't try to reconcile with her when she tried. You know what, though, that's in the past. You cannot keep on doing to Addison what you are doing now, Derek."

"She told you? About when Meredith and I had the fight, and we met and Joe's and…"

"Yes," Savvy said sharply. "Derek, whatever happens between you two is not any of my business, but Addison is my best friend, and you have to stop hurting her like this. If you…want… her, and she's still willing to be with you despite your behavior, that's great, but you can't keep telling her that you love her, and then going off with Meredith. It's not fair to either of them—not Meredith, and certainly not Addison. When I came to see you two last, you had a decision to make—Addison or the intern—and I thought you had made it, but it is clear that you never made that decision, just put it on hold…or else, Addison put it on hold. The point is that you have a decision to make, and—"

Derek resisted the urge to laugh. "Savvy, I know. I've made my decision, okay? I know what I have to do, and I know that I've messed up. I love Addison, okay? I love her, and I know what I should do…what I have to do…what I'm _going_ to do…but I just need a minute to think about it. I promise, the decision has already been made, and I've been an idiot to not see it sooner. Can't you just…" Derek ran his hand through his hair. "Why is everybody always on Addison's side?" he demanded suddenly. "Even some of my own family is on Addison's side!"

Savvy put her hand on top of Derek's. "I know she made mistakes, and she knows she made mistakes. God, she knows that she's made mistakes better than everybody else. Right now, though, it's you. I'm just warning you that, if you love her even the smallest bit, you have to stop going after her unless you want to try in earnest."

Nodding, Derek sighed. "I know," he said before, with fake enthusiasm, changing the subject. "How's Weiss?"

"He's good, but he wishes that you'd start answering his calls," Savvy replied, and Derek blushed visibly. "Oh!" she said, suddenly reminded of one of the reasons she had to talk to Derek. "Nancy says that if you don't visit her soon, she's going to come out to Seattle with your mother."

Derek groaned. "Perfect…Just what I need amidst all of this."

"I hate to sound critical, but you're hardly a martyr in this situation," Savvy snapped. She opened her mouth to say more, but stopped suddenly when she saw a familiar blonde intern walking very quickly down the hall, a look of embarrassment on her face, as if she had heard too much for her own comfort. Once the intern was gone, Savvy turned to Derek again. "Please, Derek, just don't hurt her any more. If Meredith is the one, fine, but let her go on with her life."

"Why are you telling me this?" Derek said softly, a look of both sadness and terror on his face.

"Because she won't," Savvy said simply. The two stood in silence for a moment, before Derek said that he had to go check on some patients, and Savvy insisted that she had to find Mark, because she hadn't had a chance to catch up with him yet. Derek pitied Mark, if for Mark "catching up" with Savvy was anything like his experience catching up with her.


	19. Keep Breathing, Unexpected Relief

Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's Anatomy. I also don't own the first part of the title of this chapter, and I don't own the lyrics in italics at the bottom of the page. It all comes from a song by Ingrid Michaelson called "Keep Breathing".

A/N: I'm so sorry for the long wait! I had tests, term papers, finals, and writers block. It took me forever to write this and, still, it's a bit short. Please forgive me for the wait and, trust me, you do not want to read what I wrote before this. Good news is that, now that I'm officially on summer break, the updates will get a lot more frequent. I'm warning you, though, this story is almost over. I thought about ending it here, but there are one or two more things I want to happen. Either way, the end is in sight in one of the next few chapters. There might be a sequel, though…depends on how many reviews I get, and how much enthusiasm there is at the idea. Please, please, please review and forgive me for abandoning you guys!

**Keep Breathing (Unexpected Relief)**

Addison stared through the half-closed blinds at Heather, Izzie's patient with VADAR syndrome, smiling and talking with her mother. Though she knew that she shouldn't be staring, Addison couldn't bring herself to look away. Heather and her mother looked so happy, so full of new prospects and promises of a future. Addison leaned her head against the glass of the window, oblivious to the rest of the world, just watching them. Though she had never actually spoken to Heather, she took some sort of perverse pleasure in watching her.

A voice startled her out of her daydream. "Addison," the voice said, and Addison knew without even bothering to turn around that it was Derek speaking. When she didn't respond, Derek took her by the shoulder and gently turned her around. "Addison," he repeated, his tone slightly impatient, until he saw the expression on her face. "Are you okay?" he asked, worried.

"Yeah," she responded, nodded, and turned back around to look at Heather. "I'm fine, thanks," she muttered without looking at Derek, who pulled her gently away from the window, and stared at her. "Really, I'm fine. It's just that watching her…" Addison trailed off.

Derek nodded understandingly. "I get it," he informed her, reaching out to squeeze her hand. "Heather is the way things could have turned out for Jeremy. Had he lived through the surgery, watching him would have been like watching Heather now."

Addison nodded, staring intently at the wall behind Derek so that she wouldn't have to look him in the eyes. "Yeah," she said softly with a sigh. "I _don't_ regret it, Derek, it isn't that. I just can't help but think that my actions caused him to lose what little time he had left. I can't help but think that I was responsible. I know, I'm over it…I was over it…" Addison couldn't bring herself to lie to Derek about this. "Damn it!" she exclaimed vehemently, "I was fine until this happened."

"Addison, you gave him hope for the future," Derek reasoned, trying to comfort Addison, though he knew there would never be any real comfort on this subject.

"He could have had months, Derek. Months!" Addison exclaimed, her voice cracking.

"I know," Derek muttered. "I'm sorry, Addie." Tears stung Addison's eyes, and she tried to keep from crying since she was standing in the middle of a hallway in the hospital. Without a word, she turned and walked away from Derek, away from Heather, to a place where she could be alone. Luckily for her, given the late hour, the on call room was empty, and Addison sat heavily down on one of the bottom bunk beds.

Though she had expected to cry, once she was sitting down in the room without any lights on, Addison simply stared at the wall across from her and didn't cry. After a minute, she heard footsteps outside, and the door opened. Simultaneously praying that it wasn't anybody she knew, because she didn't want them to see her like this, and that it wasn't somebody she didn't know, since she wouldn't want anybody she didn't know really well to see her like this, Addison turned away from the door.

The footsteps walked over to the bed which she was sitting on, and sat down next to her. "Addison, are you okay?" Derek's voice asked her, and she turned to face him.

"Do I look okay?" Addison demanded angrily. "No, I'm not okay. This whole thing with Heather is exhausting. Savvy's trip was thought-provoking and enjoyable, yet emotionally strenuous. Your relatives want me to go meet Kathleen's new baby, my new nephew…only, I guess he's not technically a nephew since we're no longer married. Every time I speak to my parents they want to know if I've started dating again because, you know, I'm not getting any younger. I'm not getting any sleep because, despite the fact that Callie's bedroom is across the floor, she and George are too goddamn loud when they make love and, even Callie and George inflict themselves upon Izzie and Meredith, I can't sleep because of this thing happening between us."

Biting his lip in order to stifle a laugh, Derek tilted his head and looked at Addison. He hadn't been sure before, but looking at a tired, heartbroken, sleep deprived, argumentative Addison, he knew she was the one he loved. He could name thousands of reasons for why he should stay with Meredith, but then again, he could do the same for Addison. In the end, this wasn't about picking and choosing, it wasn't about decisions, or lists of pros and cons of life with each person, it was about who he loved…and it was Addison.

"Addie, I'm sorry," Derek whispered, and he saw her shoulders shake with silent sobs. "Please, please don't cry, Addie." Addison leaned against Derek's shoulder, and was soon pulled into an embrace. She knew it was wrong, she knew she was being weak, and she hated the fact that she couldn't bring herself to pull away and demand that Derek leave but, as she clung to Derek and cried, everything felt all right again.

When Addison was calm, she pulled away from Derek's hug. "What are we doing?" she demanded warily. "I can't do this anymore, even if it is what I want most at this moment. Tomorrow, when I'm all alone again, and you're with Meredith—and I'm not begrudging you, I'm just stating a fact—I'm going to wonder why I set myself up to get hurt all over again."

"You're not going to get hurt all over again," Derek whispered, and Addison looked at him questioningly. "I'm breaking it off with Meredith."

For an instant Addison wanted to make Derek promise to remain with Meredith, but she was unable to voice the protests she knew she should make. The worse part was that she wanted to hate herself for not making Derek promise to stay with Meredith, especially after all she had worked to achieve, but was unable to feel anything other than relief. "Are you sure?" she finally managed to utter.

"I'm positive," Derek said with conviction. "I've been a jerk, and the result is that I've hurt you, and now I'm going to have to hurt Meredith. I should have listened to advice—yours, Bailey's, Miranda's…even Mark's—but I was too stubborn. You know me…I don't like to admit when I'm wrong."

"You weren't wrong about Meredith," Addison finally forced herself to say, because she was finally calm enough to know that she would berate herself for years to come if she didn't say anything.

Derek nodded, and Addison's heart was filled with dread. "I wasn't wrong about Meredith," he repeated. "I was wrong about you, though. I don't know what happened in New York. I messed up, you messed up, Mark messed up. We all made mistakes, and as a consequence all we've done is hurt each other. The worst part is that the one person who didn't mess up in New York, the one person who tried to do the right thing when she learned I was married even though it hurt her, Meredith, is going to get hurt."

"Then why are you doing this to her?" Addison whispered.

"Because it's what I have to do. I love you, Addison, and if you will forgive me, then perhaps we could try starting over. Either way, Meredith isn't the one, and prolonging the inevitable will just make it more painful."

"Okay," Addison said softly. "Then this is it. This is what the last two years have boiled down to. That's just perfect."

Derek looked at Addison peculiarly. "Are you mad at me for saying that I'm going to break up with Meredith?" he asked, confused.

"If you actually do it, I'm not mad. If you're just telling me this now to temporarily comfort me, then I'm furious. If you actually mean it, then I'm…relieved. I'm relieved." And, to her horror, Addison knew it was the truth. She didn't want to be relieved. She wanted to be angry, or happy, or confused, or apprehensive. She did not want to feel relieved.

With a half-smile, Derek stood up from the bottom bunk which they had been sitting on, and shifted nervously from foot to foot. "Well, I have to go," Derek told Addison, who nodded. "I'll talk to you later, and then we can discuss what is going to happen…to us?" he asked tentatively, relieved when he saw her nod, though he knew that he would have gone through with it even if Addison had declared that she never wanted to speak to her again. Savvy had made him see that, though he suspected that she had just sped up the process of his own conclusion.

Derek walked to the door, opened it, and closed it gently behind him as he left, leaving Addison alone in the dark. Addison sat there, perfectly still, for a moment, before realizing that she was crying. She had achieved everything she had wanted since the second she had come to Seattle and, now that she had finally achieved it, it seemed much less desirable.

No, she wasn't regretting the fact that she loved Derek, and she wasn't regretful that Derek had finally decided to give "them" a real try. She was happy and relieved, and to Addison that was unexpected. She had expected anger, happiness, confusion, anxiety, anticipation for the future. She hadn't expected to feel numb with relief, and the intensity of the emotion scared her.

Exhausted, Addison took off her high-healed shoes and, wishing she was wearing scrubs, got under the covers of the bed in the on call room. The material was scratchy, her designer clothing was going to get wrinkled, and she knew that she would probably snag her pantyhose, reasons she had previously listed for either never sleeping under the covers in on call rooms, and reasons she had listed for only wearing scrubs to bed in an on call room. Now, however, the escape of sleep proved helpful enough that none of that mattered in the least to Addison.

* * *

Meredith sat on a couch in the E.R. waiting room, staring at the wall, waiting for Derek to get downstairs after his surgery, and thinking. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Derek come up to her. "Hey," she addressed him, and he smiled absently at her. "Is there something on your mind?" she questioned. "I know I don't have the strongest record with communication, but you look worried." Derek shrugged absently, clearly having only heard about half of what she had just said. "Derek?" she questioned. 

"Yeah," Derek said, snapping out of his thoughts and back to the E.R. waiting room. "I'm just…preoccupied. It's been a long day."

"Do you want to talk about it?" Meredith asked, nervously brushing a piece of hair out of her face.

Derek shook his head. "No. Not here, not now."

"Does it have anything to do with the visit of Addison's friend, Savvy? I don't think she's the biggest fan of me, but she seems nice enough, which isn't surprising, given she is Addison's friend, and Addison is painfully nice. You've been really distant since she showed up, and you've avoided me, so I figured she brought some sort of disturbing news from New York." Meredith looked at the peculiar look on Derek's face. "This doesn't have to do with Addison, does it?" Meredith wondered aloud, jokingly.

"No! Of course not! What would give you that idea?" Derek said quickly…too quickly. He wasn't ready, he hadn't wanted to do this at the hospital, and he had wanted to prepare her first. From his tone of voice, Meredith knew that something was not right, and she had a sinking suspicion she knew what it was.

"Derek, what did you do?" demanded Meredith angrily.

"Meredith, I'm so sorry," Derek said bleakly. "I don't want to keep secrets any longer, but I'm so, so sorry. Remember when we had that stupid fight because, in my sleep, I said I loved Addison? Well, we met at Joe's, and one thing led to another, and…and I'm so sorry, Meredith. I never meant to hurt you like this. I'm so sorry."

"Sorry that you slept with her, or sorry that you hurt me?" Meredith demanded, though she knew the answer already.

Derek faltered. "I'm just sorry—" he began, but she cut him off.

"No, you're not," she said with an uncharacteristic lack of emotion. "You're sorry you hurt me, but you're not sorry about what happened with Addison." Derek stared at Meredith blankly, and Meredith knew she had four options. She could tell Derek it was okay, and they could back to their failing relationship, pretending all was okay like they had before. She could scream and cry and make Derek feel horrible before making him beg for her to take him back. She could scream and cry and bitch and make Derek feel horrible before breaking up with him. Or she could, for once, be the bigger person and walk away. She was sick of being needy, whiney Meredith.

"Meredith, I don't know what to say," Derek said softly, sadly.

"Don't say anything, then," Meredith advised calmly. "I get it. You love Addison. Derek, you don't have to feel guilty about what happened. It wasn't going to work out between us…we always had some problem or other. This time you don't have to feel like you have some obligation to me. I'm walking away, Derek."

"I'm so, _so_ sorry," Derek repeated, tears coming to his eyes but, to his horror, they were more out of relief than feelings of sorrow that his relationship with Meredith is over. True, it almost killed him to hurt Meredith like this again, but sometimes you just had to do things, no matter how brutal they might seem at the time. No, what scared him was not his feelings of sorrow, it was his feelings of relief. He hadn't expected relief.

"You should feel sorry that you couldn't make up your mind and hurt Addison, but don't worry about me. I'll heal, I'll mend, and then I'll be better than ever. It didn't work out with us, Derek, but you set the bar for all future men. You shouldn't feel guilty about what happened." Meredith wanted to cry, but restrained herself from showing her emotions.

"Thank you," Derek whispered, stepping forward and hugging Meredith briefly, the way one would hug their friend, or perhaps relative. Though Meredith had expected it to hurt when their relationship was over, she wasn't prepared for the pain of Derek thanking her for walking away. Perhaps some optimistic part of her had always assumed that Derek wouldn't walk away, even if she did. Perhaps part of her had assumed that it couldn't really be over, until Derek had thanked her for ending it.

A single tear fell down Meredith's cheek, but she brushed it away quickly. "Addison is a truly good person," Meredith began, her voice choked. "Don't hurt her again." Without bothering to look and see what Derek's reaction was, Meredith turned around and walked away. She needed a place to go and cry. Twenty minutes ago, even if in the back of her mind she had known her relationship with Derek was failing, it wasn't truly over, and with that there was hope. Now it was over for good, and she was left with nothing but the knowledge that she had done the right thing, the _adult_ thing. The thing Addison would have done, though it pained Meredith to admit it.

One thing Meredith knew for sure was that, if Addison had felt anything like this after losing Derek, even if she had already known that he was lost, she wouldn't wish that on Addison again for the world. She definitely wasn't Addison's biggest fan, but she understood Addison on some fundamental level in a way she couldn't understand even Christina. If Addison could pull through this, if Addison could learn to go on with her life, then Meredith could too, and at least that thought gave Meredith hope.

Calmly, in a way she had seen Addison walk for months, but in a way that she had never anticipated following, Meredith calmly walked to her car, got in it, and drove home. The lights were on, and when she entered she could hear Izzie and George laughing in the living room. For a second, Meredith considered avoiding them and going straight to her room, but decided against it.

"Hey!" Izzie and George greeted her simultaneously when she entered the living room. Meredith sat down heavily in the middle of the couch between Izzie and George.

"I broke up with Derek," she said emotionlessly, and when her friends stared at her, she attempted to smile. "It's no big deal…what were you talking about?"

"Why?" George asked Meredith, who shrugged.

"He loved Addison, though I'm not sure if he was sure until I pointed it out to him. But he had a pretty good idea, and I think Addison's friend Savvy told him off for his behavior, or something. He couldn't keep hurting Addison the way he has been because, even if she is Satan, she doesn't deserve that sort of treatment. Plus, I didn't want to date somebody who only wanted to be with me because being with me meant that they hadn't made the biggest mistake of their lives. Plus, he wanted to break up with me, but wasn't going to do it because he didn't want to hurt me. He shouldn't have to feel guilty for loving Addison, because it isn't his fault."

Izzie stared at Meredith. Half of her was in disbelief that Meredith and Derek had broken up, but the other half of her knew that perhaps it was inevitable. She had overheard enough of the conversation between Derek and Savvy to have some idea about what had happened between Derek and Addison; furthermore, she knew that Addison loved Derek. "Are you okay?" Izzie asked Meredith, hugging her.

"I'm good," Meredith said, as if she said it every day. Izzie almost wanted to cry when she heard those words come out of Meredith's mouth—they were the same words that she had told people for weeks after Denny's death, the same words that she had Addison claim practically every day since her divorce with Derek.

* * *

Derek opened the door to the on call room quietly, as to not wake anybody who might be inside. Upon seeing Addison sleeping, Derek smiled a little, and climbed into the bunk bed above her, exclaiming out of pain when he hit his knee hard into the metal post of the bed as he climbed up. "Derek?" a groggy voice asked, "Is that you?" 

"Yeah," he said.

Addison turned over, Derek lay down in the bunk bed, and there was silence. After an amount of time long enough for Derek to assume that Addison had fallen asleep, Addison whispered, "Are you okay?"

"I'm not sure," Derek replied.

"Me too," Addison agreed. "I'm relieved, and it scares me."

Derek nodded, though he knew that there was no way Addison could see it. "Yeah, well, me too," he told her. There was another long silence, broken only by the sound of Addison turning over in her bed restlessly. After several turns, she gave up and got out of bed. Careful not to break any of Derek's belongings that he had left on the floor, Addison climbed into the top bunk and lay next to Derek. Gently, as if they would do this every day for the rest of their lives, Derek put his arm around Addison, and they lay silently, finally drifting off to sleep. For one moment, both let down their guard, and allowed themselves to be happy without any thoughts of how they would go on tomorrow.

_The storm is coming but I don't mind,  
People are dying, I close my blinds,  
All that I know is I'm breathing now._

_I want to change the world -- Instead I sleep.  
I want to believe in more than you and me,  
But all that I know is I'm breathing.  
All I can do is keep breathing,  
All we can do is keep breathing,  
Now..._


	20. Epilogue: Inadvertent Humor

Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's Anatomy.

A/N: I have 25,000 hits! Wow! Okay, on to what I was really going to say…This is the last chapter. I tried, I really did, to come up with more content to put in this story, but none of it worked out. It took me a while, but I realized that it was because the story I was trying to tell, of Addison and Derek after their divorce…that story was finished. Sure, I could write other stories…_Addison and Derek: The Later Years_. I'm just kidding, I would never ever name a story that, but do you get my point? There are other stories about them to tell, but none of them are this one. So, I leave you with this.

I also would like to thank everybody who read the story, especially those who reviewed. You have no idea how much it means to me that so many people took the time to sit down and read this story, let along to write a review. I would also like to thank everybody who added me to their favorites list, or this story to their favorites or alerts list. It is a really great feeling to know that somebody other than yourself enjoys what you've written. So, I have one last plea for everybody who has read this story, both those who have reviewed, and those that haven't. Since this is the last chapter, please review!

**Epilogue: Inadvertent Humor**

The sound of a pager beeping startled Addison out of her sleep. "I bet it's mine," a voice from behind her said, startling Addison. Turning over, Addison looked at Derek while struggling to remember how she had ended up in bed with him. After a second of frantic thinking, she remembered the events of the night before, and sighed in relief that she hadn't done something stupid.

Reaching for her pager, which she had placed next to the pillow she and Derek were sharing, she glanced at it, squinting from the light the pager was giving off. "No, it's mine," she mumbled, sitting up. For a moment she contemplated just laying back down and going back to sleep, but it took her only a moment to realize that that would not be wise. Should somebody die because she had been lazy, Addison knew she would never be able to forgive herself.

Addison slung her legs over the side of the bed, and jumped off of it. She put on her jacket and stuck her pager into it, taking a moment to examine herself. Her hair needed to be brushed, her clothes were wrinkled, and her pantyhose had a run. Running her hands through her hair to make it look more presentable, she quickly put her high heeled shoes on. Without looking at Derek, Addison made for the door.

"Addison—" Derek began, but stopped when Addison spun around to look at him.

"We'll talk later," she said briskly, before opening the door, glancing behind for once last look at Derek, and closing it. Willing herself not to think of Derek and what had happened the day before, she waited impatiently for the elevator, running her hands over her skirt to lessen the wrinkles in it that were the result of sleeping with her clothes on.

Once downstairs, Addison looked for Bailey, who had paged her. Finding her leaning against the nurses' station, Addison went up to her. "You paged?" she said, trying to sound enthusiastic.

"Leila Hendricks, thirty five, female, pregnant in two uteruses," Bailey said in one breath.

"Two uteruses?" Addison asked in disbelief, and Miranda nodded. "Well, this is the coincidence of the century," Addison commented absently, taking the chart from Miranda and looking it over carefully. "Two women pregnant in two uteruses come to Seattle Grace less than a year apart. How unlikely is that! Only, I'm going to hope that I don't have the pleasure of accidentally informing my patient's husband of my patient's infidelity again. Still, this must be some sort of statistical…"

"You are one of the best neonatal surgeons," Bailey cut off Addison. "The timing is a coincidence. I find it very unlikely, however, that they both just showed up at Seattle Grace, completely unaware that you are here and of your credentials, completely unaware of how rare their condition is, and the fact that you have a very strong record with high-risk pregnancies," Bailey finished dryly.

Addison blushed, embarrassed that she had not thought of that. Instead of justifying her mistake, Addison decided to pretend she had never made any comment. "I'm going to need an intern," she stated, looking up from the chart.

Bailey nodded. "Grey!" she called across the hall, causing a few people to look at her questioningly. Meredith turned away from her conversation with George and walked over to where Bailey and Addison were standing. "You're with Dr. Montgomery today," Bailey informed Meredith.

Unwilling to comprehend what she had just heard, Addison turned to stare at Bailey. Surely Miranda had known what had happened last night—Miranda never missed anything. "Dr…Dr. Grey?" Addison stuttered, staring at Bailey in confusion and anger.

"Dr. Montgomery—" Meredith stammered, looking at Bailey with an expression similar to that Addison was wearing. When Addison glanced at Meredith's face, she could tell that Meredith did not care for this assignment any more than she did.

Bailey looked from one woman to the other, an expression of annoyance on her face. "Do you two have a problem?" she questioned, her voice daring either of them to say anything other than, "no." Meredith looked at the floor abashed, but Addison remained staring at Bailey.

After a moment of awkward silence, Addison opened her mouth. "It's just that Dr. Grey has spent a lot of time in my service recently, and I think it might be best if she…"

"…If I broadened my horizons a little bet?" Meredith finished, relieved.

Bailey looked at Addison, then at Meredith, and then back to Addison. "Broaden your horizons?" Bailey said incredulously. "I'm sorry," she said eventually, her voice showing disbelief, though Addison knew that it was at least partially faked. "Is it not true that we all work in the same hospital?" Without waiting for either Addison or Meredith to say anything, she continued, "Good. So then, there is no problem here. It is a problem, though, that there is a patient waiting in exam room 3010 while her doctors argue over issues only important in their personal lives. Go." With that, Miranda turned around and walked away, leaving Addison and Meredith staring at her disappearing figure.

Addison cleared her throat, determined to make the best of a less-than-ideal situation. "Okay, Meredith, let's check on Mrs. Hendricks," she said, offering Meredith a small smile.

* * *

_Two Months Later…_

Addison strode into the elevator, holding hands with Derek, both laughing over something that had happened in New York, where Addison and Derek had been for the past two weeks. When Derek suggested that they go visit his newborn nephew, Addison had instantly agreed, insisting that they also stop at her parents "so that they will stop calling and asking if I have a new boyfriend."

"Morning, Meredith," Addison said brightly, as Meredith hurried to get in the elevator before the door closed.

For a moment Meredith looked at Addison, wondering what had precipitated Addison's good mood, but shrugged. Though it had taken her a while to admit it to herself, she _liked_ Addison, and couldn't really begrudge her for being with Derek. Besides, there was someone else now… Tearing her thoughts away from her new boyfriend, Meredith smiled. "Good morning, Addison…Derek…" she replied.

There was silence for a moment, before Addison plunged on. "Has anything interesting happened since we've been gone?"

"You haven't heard?" Meredith asked incredulously, before remembering that Addison and Derek hadn't been at Seattle Grace in two weeks. The elevator door opened, and all got out. Meredith started to walk away, but Addison stopped her.

A little more warily than before, Addison asked, "Haven't heard what?"

"About Mark!" Meredith exclaimed, as if it was obvious.

Addison groaned, muttering, "Oh God, what has he done now?"

Meredith shook her head violently. "No, nothing like that…well, sort of like that, but I don't mind…" Addison and Derek sent Meredith a look asking her to tell them what was going on. "Mark…and Lexi…apparently they've been together for _months_ now…nobody had any idea…he doesn't seem like the type to settle for being with just one person…" Meredith trailed off.

"You'd be surprised what Mark is capable of doing, should he want to," Addison said wryly, remembering an incident that had taken place when Mark was an intern involving a bet, scissors, purple hair dye, and ultimately ending in an extraordinarily expensive trip to the barbers. For a moment Addison almost shared the story with Meredith, but a moment's consideration made her decide to spare Mark the humiliation. A thought occurred to Addison suddenly, "Who's Lexi?" she asked.

"My half-sister!" Meredith exclaimed, her tone of voice once again suggesting that it was obvious.

Addison and Derek both groaned, exclaiming together, "Oh God." Addison shot Derek a look and suddenly both were on the brink of laughter. Meredith looked between both of them, but decided that she didn't mind and smiled too. "You know, if it bothers you I can speak to him about it…" Addison began, but Meredith shook her head.

"Actually, he seems quite fond of her." Meredith smiled, as if the notion of Mark settling down with anybody was laughable. A year ago, Addison would have been inclined to agree; however, now she was willing to believe that perhaps Mark was capable of such a feat.

Meredith looked around the hall, spotting somebody, and waving for the person to come over to where she, Addison, and Derek were standing. Addison blanched when she saw who Meredith had beckoned over. Trying to keep from blushing, Addison smiled and said, "Hello," albeit in a very distracted, shocked manner.

"Addison, Derek, I have somebody I'd like you to meet," Meredith formally introduced the man, then kissed him quickly on the cheek. "This is Steven." Addison tried desperately to regain her composure, painfully aware that she looked just as startled as she felt. Suddenly she laughed, though it would be minutes before Derek or Meredith understood why.

"This is ironic, isn't it?" she asked Steven, who nodded and started laughing too. And, for once, the shocking irony of it didn't bother Addison, and she was able to see the humor in all of it. Though that night, as she lay in bed next to Derek, thinking, she would wonder how they had all gotten that way, how all of their relationships had ended up so hopelessly tangled, in that moment all Addison could think of was how inadvertently funny it all was. And, amidst all of her laughter, for the first time ever Addison was able to think, and genuinely believe, that perhaps the events of the past two years had all happened for the better.


End file.
